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Sandra Newman @sannewman
, 23 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
1. OK, in honor of "Cat Person", I want to tell my Nice Guy story, about a Nice Guy I once knew who was genuinely a very nice and even good guy, and yet at last he was corrupted by the evils of the world.
2. He was a sweet hard-working guy, a working class guy who was getting a liberal arts PhD while working to support himself. He was nerdy and a little chubby but not bad-looking. From a small town in the midwest. His people were farmers who voted Democrat.
3. When I first met him, he had a long-term girlfriend from home but she "didn't want to have sex outside of marriage." After we all met her, we guessed this was code for "gay but not quite ready to come out".
4. Then they broke up, and he fell in love with a girl who was out of his league. A semi-pro athlete with long blond shining hair. This girl became his best friend and they even traveled through Mexico together, but she did not return his romantic feelings.
5. Eventually she fell in love with another semi-pro athlete and stopped talking to our nice guy overnight. She also screwed him on a project they were collaborating on, taking half the credit but doing nothing because she was busy having semi-pro athlete sex.
6. He then fell in love with another girl who didn't want to fuck him, but *would* share a bed with him when she was lonely & blue. She'd come over to his house to watch movies & eat ice cream & sleep in his bed. She knew how he felt, but didn't like to talk about it.
7. Next, as if he was suffering from a Nice Guy Gypsy Curse, he had a brief relationship with a woman who dumped him. Then she wouldn't give him back a fan she'd borrowed; he "needed" the fan, but she didn't want to see him, blah blah, whatever
DUDE, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FAN
8. Then, suddenly, boom, she takes out a restraining order against him. This seemed really weird because he's not a threatening person. And I know people have unsuspected sides, but trust me, just not scary, so this was a puzzle UNTIL…
9. …he heard she was back with her former boyfriend, and engaged, AND very pregnant. So our nice guy put two and two together and figured she wanted the former BF to believe it was his baby, or at least to have a clean slate to start her married life.
10. But it maybe wasn't former BF's baby. Maybe it was the Nice Guy's baby.
11. And he couldn't ask her because of the restraining order, and he had no money for a lawyer, even if lawyering up was a thing he'd do, but he couldn't stop thinking he might have a child, and he'd like his child to know him, he'd like to be in his child's life.
12. So by now, he can't sleep at night. And for the first time, he's started feeling bitter. He hates being bitter, but he's bitter.
13. And meanwhile he's sharing a house with a girl who really is a terrible sexual manipulator. For a change, he isn't in love with her but he does watch her messing with a lot of dudes's heads, and just being sultry, heinous and compulsively provocative.
14. Like she'll get a guy to take her on vacation to some fancy place, then leave in the middle with some sexier guy and not answer the first guy's phone calls, then come home and mope for a day feeling guilty and heinous, then go out and do it all again.
15. And Nice Guy was morally appalled by her, but also got a kick out of her; he respected her Evil Girl angst, and he tried to enjoy the vicarious power, and they were best friends and confidantes and hung out together all the time.
16. But he talked about her a little too much, and was obviously suffering from the general atmosphere of female duplicity and moral vacuum and sex sex everywhere but not a drop to drink.
17. Bottom line, he would not hate women, he refused, but LIFE WAS TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE HIM HATE WOMEN.
18. Around this time, we spent an evening together. We got dinner, then just wandered around shooting the breeze.
19. This was a college town, and there were beautiful women everywhere, as if it had been taken over by an occupying army of beautiful women. Ultimately, we both fell silent, distracted by the flood of beautiful women in eye-catching clothes.
20. And after a while, my nice-guy friend confided to me that sometimes now when he saw a beautiful girl, he was overwhelmed by resentment. He hated this about himself, but it kept happening. He couldn't help being angry with women for their sexual power.
21. I wanted to make him feel better, so I confided that I had a similar thing, which was that, now that I was older, sometimes when I saw a beautiful girl I was flooded with involuntary envy; even hatred.
22. And he looked at me with startled revulsion and said, "That's HORRIBLE."

FIN
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