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Good King Tweetman @Goodtweet_man
, 64 tweets, 5 min read Read on Twitter
A Twitter Christmas Carol by Good Tweetman
Ebentweeter Scrooge was a man who received many likes and rts. Many.
But, despite his great tweets and like counts, he never spared a reply, an rt, or even a measly like
“If I give one a like, the others will expect likes too, and then others!” He would say for no reason
It was Christmastime. He was busy running his content mines, with...uh...tood gweetman, his loyal cockney assistant
Except Gweetman wasn’t actually British, but an American who enjoyed doing terrible offensive stereotypes of other peoples
He especially loved making fun of Italians
“Ello, guvnah Scrooge!...uh...ayyyy I’m workin heah!”
“Shut up tood you fool. Now, I need you to spam this one account with reports for abuse.”
“But...but sir! That is the account of the poor orphans of a thousand misfortunes inc.!”
“I will not stand for this insubordination. You are fired!”
“But sir its uh...Christmas...paisano!”
“Get out!”
Gweetman sadly left, muttering “mamma mia”
Lol this is so stupid

scrooge went home, smiling. He had gotten the orphans suspended. More views for his content.
As he slept that night, he heard a moaning voice. “Bicth...wake up bicth.”
“Who...what?”
“Fukc you, log off!”
“Who is screaming at my chambers to log off? I will never log off!”
“It’s me. I’m here from the Betsy Ross museum.”
“Drilcob...Drilcob Wintley?”
“Fuk yeah just 360 noscoped the preisdent of mcdonalds on xbox”
“Anyways, troll, you gotta start liking the content of plebs.”
“Why should I?”
“Because you’ll end up like me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Banned for tweeting the n word while quoting Kanye.”
“Oh please that will never happen.”
“Oh but yuo were just once like me. A good posts guy. Good tweets. But yuor greed is bad.”
“Trouble me no more, racist.”
“Tonight you will be visited by 3 checkmarks.”
Scrooge then awoke. “Ah.” He said. “It was just an extremely stupid dream, just like Twitter is a very dumb website.”
Then he heard a knock at the door.
“What? Who could that be?”
He answered. A ghostly figured appeared.
“Who...who are you?”
The ghost replied, “I am a Will Ferrell parody account that doesn’t actually parody him.”
“Haha that’s impossible, no one has seen those since 2012.”
“Men, be good to your ladies, and they’ll be good to you -Chris Rock”
“My God.”
“what do you want oh monetized checkmark”
“I am the ghost of Twitter past. I want to show you your past.”
And with that, the parody account grabbed scrooge, and took him back to 2009.
“Look, Scrooge. You are just logging on.”
Scrooge saw his younger self making an account.
“Oh boy! I cannot wait to tweet!”
“I am going to be able to talk to celebs, and meet all sorts of good folks, and everyone will be cool!”
“How naive I was.”
“We didn’t think Twitter would become a festering hole then, Scrooge. But look! Look at you like tweets!”
“I...I did like a lot of tweets then.”
“They had the little stars then and were called faves.”
“Oh yeah.”
“But then...Scrooge, you began making good tweets, and people started following you.”
“I remember hitting a thousand followers, Willy Ferrell.”
“You do? That’s really sad.”
“But look, Scrooge. Soon you stopped responding.”
“Well I was getting so many @s
“And stopped rting.”
Scrooge looked silently on.
“Then you stopped faving.”
Scrooge regathered himself and firmly responded “so?”
“You brought joy to people”
“Can it be changed, parody account? You have shown me this, can it be changed?”
“Lol no”
“I do not understand then, @itsWillyFerrellx, why do you show me these things?”
“You shall next be visited by another checkmark”
“You’re not answering my question”
“Consider buying my merch”
“What”
Suddenly Scrooge awoke in his bed.
“Bah...to me...that’s preposterous. Will Ferrell parody accounts, things of that nature
“And yet...it was extremely On Line.”
Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door.
“Man...or spirit, whichever you are...reveal yourself!”
“Ith me, Scrooge”
“No!”
“Yes! Mike Thernovith!”
“Wait...’yes’?”
“Oh I mean ‘yeth’.”
“What do you want with me, oh spirit most foul?”
“I am the ghoth of Twither Prethent. I thall thow you the woeful state of affariths”
And with that, Cernovich, powered by nootropics, grabbed Scrooge’s arm and they disappeared.
Scrooge and Cernovich arrived outside of an apartment building.
“Where are we, Spirit of Gorilla Mindset?”
“You do not know? I would havth thought thith place familiar to you. Look inthide.”
Scrooge peered through the window to find a sad, rotund figure, sadly looking at his computer screen, playing a Paradox interactive game
“Deus vult!” The mass cried is a squeaky voice.
“...Gweetman?”
“Yeth. It ith your former employee, Gweetman.”
“Gweetman worked tirelethly for you, Scrooge. Yet you never gave him a thingle like.”
“And now look at him. Playing hith thtupid larping game.”
“The poor fellow.”
“But look!” Cernovich pointed.
Gweetman tapped on his phone.
“He has a fefo, Scrooge.”
“GWEETMAN DOES?!”
“Yeth. But for how much longer, it ith unclear. For hith content never gets any liketh.”
“Show me no more spirit. I cannot bear to look at the wretch.”
“Know thith scrooge. The prethent...nothing can be done about...but the future...maybe. Go to Infowarth dot com.”
Scrooge awoke in a cold sweat. Few things were more terrifying than dealing with Mike Cernovich
“These horrible visions must have come from a bad meal or seeing a cursed image. Hopefully no more will haunt me.”
Then, a cold draft blew in through the hoary windows, extinguishing all light
“Ffs.” Scrooge said.
A dark, hooded figure wafted in through the walls, and raised a bony finger at Scrooge
“Are you...the third spirit?”
The figure nodded.
“Then you must be...the ghost of Twitter future.”
The figure again nodded
“Spirit vex me no more. I have seen too much.”
The figure shook its head, and grasped Scrooge’s arm.
Scrooge and the spirit arrived in a darkened room. “Where are we?” Scrooge asked. The spirit pointed to a silhouette
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