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Thread by @jk_rockin: "Thinking about how J.K. Rowling fundamentally doesn't understand her own books has me doing another audiobook relisten, WHY do I DO THIS Rem […]" #snapekillsdumbledore

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Thinking about how J.K. Rowling fundamentally doesn't understand her own books has me doing another audiobook relisten, WHY do I DO THIS
Remember that time JK tried to claim she's not fatphobic after writing at length about how gross and fat Dudley and Uncle Vernon and Aunt Marge and Umbridge and Crabbe and Goyle are?
Skipping rapidly through Chamber of Secrets because it's the Attack of the Clones of Harry Potter books
Much though I enjoyed the theory, I'm glad Ronbledore wasn't a thing because if one reflects on the things Dumbles does, Ron Weasley would never.
Stephen Fry's Gilderoy Lockhart voice sounds exactly like his Zaphod Beeblebrox voice
Can white cishet people stop writing outsider narratives, please? Just... stop?
If, by the way, anyone has recs for YA fantasy which
a) has queer characters
b) has fat characters who aren't constantly described with distaste
c) isn't hip-deep in conservative gender nonsense

hook me up
The older and more butch I get, the more every word of the chapters of POA about Aunt Marge make me want to abandon human society and live in a sea cave
Harry's connection to Lupin- the rapport Harry never has with any other teachers, Lupin giving him private Patronus lessons- is yet another thing that would have made D.A.D.A. Professor Potter a more emotionally satisfying ending.
(Considering the books talk a lot about how "unusual" Harry is, Harry being queer and identifying with queer adults in his life would make more sense to me than him turning out to be James Potter II does)
"Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade."
Teen!Jenn wanted a Time Turner SO MUCH. Adult!Jenn is horrified at McGonagall signing off on letting a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD sign up for twice the usual amount of elective classes. THAT'S A CHILD.
I mean, this is a series of books about an abused kid having his emotional needs ignored while he's being groomed as a child soldier, so I guess excessive schoolwork p. mild by comparison? Still cooked tho
Guess who's still got feelings about Remus Lupin: it's me
As a plot device, the Marauder's Map really does raise more questions than it answers, leaving alone the whole "Fred and George could have seen Peter Pettigrew's name following Ron's at any point in the preceding two years and never said anything" issue.
This is the point at which I would, in an ideal world, pause the POA audiobook and listen to an audio version of Shoebox Project, but, alas! No such recording exists.
Remus being immediately 100% down to murder Peter as soon as Sirius explains what happens is so much
"You should have realised," said Lupin quietly, "if Voldemort didn't kill you, we would. Goodbye, Peter." THAT'S SOME REAL SHIT
also Lupin knows bondage spells well enough to cast them non-verbally
Sirius nervously asking Harry if he wants to come live with him 😭
Snape is the fucking worst
There are a lot of reasons POA is my favourite HP book, but I think it's best exemplified by the realisation Harry has that Dumbledore can't solve everything for him.
This comes up again when he rescues himself by casting a Patronus at the Dementors- POA is the point where the series pivots from "plucky kid adventures" to "no, really, evil is real and you're going to have to fight it"
How much do I have to pay to get someone (not you, J.K.) to write meaningful content about Lily Evans? All this "you're truly your father's son" stuff is nice, I guess, but... Lily.
Snape having a meltdown and laying hands on a child over an innocent man escaping a punishment literally worse than death. Ah, children's literature.
Aaaaand then revealing personal information about another teacher as a form of revenge! I know it's a narrative device to keep the D.A.D.A. position empty for the next book, but also: Snape Is The Worst
The extra nastiness about Dudley's body at the start of GoF really is extra nasty.
I will say I LOVE LOVE LOVE the soft hyggelig vibes of the Burrow and how warm and loved Harry feels there. How much Harry loves the Weasleys is a big part of what I dig about Harry/Ginny.
Not that I think the Weasleys would love Harry any less if he didn't marry into the family, but given how much Hazza craves family, marrying young and putting down roots of his own totes makes sense.
(yes I did learn about the concept of hygge within the last 24 hours, what of it)
Excuse the fuck out of me, since when is Obliviate pronounced "ob-liv-ee-ah-tay"? Whence the extra syllable?
Not trying to shit on Stanislav Ianevski, but I still don't understand why they cast a big buff boi as Krum, who is described as lanky and scowly. Surely Bulgaria has lanky scowly boys who act?
Oh man, can you imagine what Tumblr fandom would make of Harry/Draco if the books were being published now? I expect there were hot takes about it being ~problematic~ back in the day, but, fandom being so spread out, I managed to avoid them.
I choose to believe the Ivanova on the Bulgarian Quidditch team is this universe's version of Susan Ivanova from Babylon 5
Every "Harry pocketed it" sends a thrill of joy through my sick, wizened heart.
Baby Worker's Rights Activist Hermione is perfection
It's been almost 18 years since Goblet of Fire was published and I'm still mad that Hermione wanting house elves to have rights is played for laughs
Imagine, if you will, tiny Jenn, child of unionists, she who organised a strike action in preschool, reading this book and reacting to the way JK portrays Hermione's activism.
Would also read fic about Neville's bad memory being a result of memory charms used to try to erase his traumatic memories about his parents
Still not entirely sure how much of the Ferret Incident is "Moody" getting revenge on the son of a Death Eater who denounced Voldemort, and how much of it is to manipulate Harry into trusting him.
and I still hate Snape, if you were wondering
I'm going to fight J.K. Rowling in the street, and I'm going to yell about how the social security without which she and her family would have starved is entirely the doing of unions fighting for people's rights while I do it
Straight up, the "elves love being slaves and get offended if you pay them or suggest they might deserve rights" narrative is F U C K E D
the ultimate OTP is Harry/therapy, an emotional support animal, and lots of soft cardigans
(this is the bit where Harry and Malfoy try to curse each other, Hermione gets hit with a curse that makes her teeth grow down past her chin, and Snape says "I see no difference" and DOESN'T PUNISH MALFOY)
That none of the teachers took one look at the POTTER STINKS badges and shut that shit down immediately is just one more piece of evidence that Hogwarts has a serious cultural problem
Harry and Ron's friendship 😍
"Just then, Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary."
Dobby arguing Dumbledore down to bare minimum wages and refusing to take weekends off. WHY DO YOU THINK WORKER'S RIGHTS ARE A SOURCE OF COMEDY, J.K.
Having the slave race speak in grammatically incorrect, "infantile" language is also gross, if anyone's keeping score
These books are overwhelmingly heterosexual to begin with, but the stuff around the Yule Ball is Straight Nonsense Forever.
We all agree Professor Grubbly-Plank is a big lez, right? Like Professor Hooch and Professor Sprout?
everyone who gave people shit about shipping Kurt/Karofsky but had no problem with Harry/Draco can meet me in the pit
at least MY dipshit highschool bully wasn't a racist wizard fascist
There's a whole gender studies thesis in J.K.'s negative treatment of performative femininity. See: Lavender Brown, Pansy Parkinson, Rita Skeeter, Delores Umbridge, Narcissa Malfoy, etc
Of course, the real hero is Hagrid's tiny dad, who somehow managed to get freaky with a literal giantess
The thing Harry would have missed most was Ron Weasley 😭 (I am also down to add Ron haters to my street-fighting dancecard)
how did Harry/Hermione shippers even HAPPEN
If it weren't taught by a bullying shitweasel like Snape, Potions sounds like it would be a fun class.
Shit-Awful Things About the Wizarding World no. 872: the U.K.'s only wizard prison is manned by literal soul-sucking monsters who ruin the sanity of the inmates.
"House elves have no right to be unhappy when there is work to be done and masters to be served!" LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK
God, this is a rough book for Hermione- I'd forgotten people sent HATE MAIL to a FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL based on a magazine article.
Harry, mate, if the teacher who told you to become an Auror was a disguised Death Eater who was saying it to emotionally manipulate you, maybe it wasn't good advice.
whoever decided to give Cornelius Fudge a regular black bowler hat in the films rather than his canonical lime green one is a coward
"unctuous" is such a good word
HOW was Crouch able to preside over the trial of his own son? Surely that's a conflict of interest? FIX IT UP MINISTER GRANGER
The big thing the books never address and which I've never understood is: Harry survived the killing curse because his mother gave her life for him. How, HOW, could that be the first time that's happened?
something about Harry's relationship with monsters and people perceived as monstrous something something
Harry and Cedric's argument over the Cup is the most Hufflepuff thing in the whole series
If you only listen to one sentence from any HP audiobook, the ridiculous sing-song lilt Stephen Fry gives to "kill the spare" should be it.
Whyyyyyyy does Wormtail cut his hand off BEFORE stealing Harry's blood? Seems inefficient tbh
Unfriendly reminder that the Death Eaters are unambiguously wizard Nazis, and I am instantly suspicious of anyone who has a Dark Mark tattoo.
Maybe this snake-faced wizard racist John Galt motherfucker became a Dark Lord so he could guarantee an audience for his long expository monologues?
The climactic action in every Harry Potter book fundamentally strips something from Harry, making his death in Deathly Hallows, however temporary, the only logical conclusion. Discuss.
(actually I'm struggling to put in words what Hazza loses at the end of CoS. Belief that he can prevent others from being harmed? Any shred of faith in the adults in his life he might of had left?)
It's been an hour and I've only just noticed the typo in this. Might HAVE had left. Fuck.
Even in the bit with the ghosts of people Voldemort has killed popping out of his wand, Lily only gets to talk to introduce James. Sigh.
It's astonishing Crouch-Moody's plans actually worked, considering the extent to which they relied on the assumptions that Harry would ask for help, wouldn't help others wherever he could... that he would generally not behave like Harry.
I think the end of GoF is where I really started to understand Dumbledore. An incredibly powerful wizard, aware that raw power causes more problems than it solves, turned tactician and master manipulator to achieve what power cannot.
The end of GoF is also where I really grokked that all authority figures in HP are untrustworthy, ESPECIALLY Fudge, the worst kind of power-hungry status-quo-obsessed appeasement motherfucker in a series full of shitty power-hungry motherfuckers
The bit where he brings a Dementor to Hogwarts, and immediately has Crouch Jr's soul sucked out! And then refuses to believe that Voldemort has come back, because it puts his power in jeopardy! Fuck Fudge.
Oh, and freaking out when Dumbledore suggests reaching out to marginalised communities like Giants! FUCK FUDGE, FUCK APPEASEMENT, FUCK THIS VICHY FRANCE MOTHERFUCKER
"You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!"
"[Arthur Weasley] knows what Fudge is. It's Arthur's fondness for Muggles that has held him back at the Ministry all these years. Fudge thinks he lacks proper wizarding pride." IF THAT DOESN'T TELL YOU WHAT FUDGE IS ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL
Imagine if Snape and Sirius had been mature enough to get their shit together and work together properly.
Sirius Black's entire character arc is about never having enough time in the places and with the people who nourish him and I'm a mess about it tbh
I still get very hecked up about Dumbledore's end-of-year speech in GoF about cooperation and bravery. God, I'm so easy to emotionally compromise.
Hermione Granger is a stone-cold badass and I adore her
I didn't discover fanfiction until sometime between GoF and OotP, so by the time I got to fandom properly, I already wanted to push Draco Malfoy into the sea.
My BFF at the time was a Malfoy apologist who insisted on having him fall in love with her self-insert character in our garbage fire self-insert 5th year fic. Caused many arguments, and it remains unfinished as a consequence.
(we were sisters from an Australian wizarding school hidden in the empty bits of South Australia which was attacked by Death Eaters for... reasons? And we were super good at Quidditch, and Neville was my boyfriend.)
(On reflection, I wish I knew where the extant parts of that story were. It was terrible, but sweetly naive.)
hello naughty children it's Order of the Phoenix time
Whoever decided on "let's not tell Harry 'Makes Rash Decisions When Poorly Informed' Potter anything all summer after the most traumatic event of his life" as a plan can also get in the sea
"These furious thoughts whirled around in Harry's head, and his insides writhed with anger..." yeah that was me at 15 too
Still paralyzed with disbelief that Dudley let his friends call him Big D in public
"Was is... you-know-what, darling? Did he... did he use his THING?" GOD this made me laugh when I was fourteen.
As a silencing tactic, putting a fifteen year old in a situation where he has to use magic to survive and expelling him from the only safe place he's ever known for it is pretty well thought out.
Vernon Dursley is not the worst, but he's a pretty terrible person- his first thought when he hears Harry is in trouble is to kick him (a teenage boy with no other family) out of the house.
"Harry, I've left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry."
"They won't."
"That you're safe..."
"That'll just depress them."
"And you'll see them again next summer."
"Do I have to?"

The efforts Dumbledore goes to to keep Harry isolated after Voldemort returns are really, deeply unpleasant. I would be confused as to why anyone trusted him with kids, but... y'know... the rest of the wizarding world...
Harry Potter and the Year Fuckin' Everyone Including His Friends And Family, The Entire Ministry Of Magic, And The Only Major Newspaper Ever Mentioned Bullied Him Mercilessly
(the only problem with this tweet is, uh... which book do I mean?)
Every fat joke- especially the two completely unnecessary jokes about Dudley during dinner at Grimmauld Place- makes me more tired. Thin people are exhausting.
Imagine if Sirius Black had ever had the chance to mature like an adult instead of bouncing from an abusive home to school to war to prison to war to death
Molly Weasley claiming Harry is essentially one of her sons is very sweet, but it rings preeeeeetty hollow when placed in contrast with knowingly leaving Harry with his abusive relatives for years.
The parallels between Sirius and Harry are deeply upsetting.
It's probably because I am, myself, a hoarder and my house is a mess, but I find the idea of clearing out Grimmauld Place immensely satisfying. (especially with cleaning spells, which I would kill to have)
Amelia Bones is another enormous lez
Perhaps my queer reading of Amelia Bones is based on stereotypes, but it's primarily based on her looking like Stephen Gordon from The Well of Loneliness, who is an enormous lez
Harry Potter and the Completely Fucked Justice System
Oh MAN I had forgotten how shitty everyone is to Ron about becoming a Prefect
The photo of the OG Order of the Phoenix where half the people involved are dead or in St Mungo's is... a lot.
I would bet a substantial amount of money that J.K. did not know what dogging was when she wrote this book
The description of Umbridge as "like somebody's maiden aunt" and, uh, as somebody's maiden aunt, get fucked
Seamus is a huge jerk in this book also, and while I do understand the narrative import of having people close to Harry not believe him, it's still gross
"Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow." THAT'S NOT WHAT PECKER MEANS
"Being an Auror is important, but it's not the only important thing." Hermione knows what's up.
I agree with Harry that History of Magic, if taught by a decent teacher, would be a great subject. Dumbledore's crimes are numerous, and high up on the list is his shit-awful hiring practices.
guess what I think of Snape y'all
it's that he's the worst
This series would be incredibly different if anyone in Harry's life ever seemed to give even a fraction of a fuck about Harry's feelings.
Delores Umbridge: a strong contender for The Worst, watch your back Snape
As part of Headmaster McGonagall's reforms of Hogwarts' staffing practices, I hope she looks towards including a vague semblance of actual pastoral care into the responsibilities of the staff.
(is non-religious pastoral care a thing? Just... hire a fucking school counselor! Someone not obviously partisan, as heads of house always seem to be!)
Child Jenn hated Umbridge from the second she started talking, but the detention with the cutting quill is where I started genuinely wanting to bury her in rotting fruit.
BACK AT IT AGAIN and I think Ron practicing for Quidditch tryouts is adorable
Awkward teen flirting is just as nauseating now as it was when I actually was a teen
Even which I was 15, I had better things to do than hang around at sports practice to bully people I didn't like. Get a life, Malfoy.
Percy Weasley is SUCH A GIT, UGH
Umbridge's bigotry against "dangerous half-breeds" (werewolves, merpeople, etc) is a prime example of It's Never Just One Shitty Opinion.
(It's Never Just One Shitty Opinion: very rarely is someone "just" racist, "just" sexist, "just" transphobic, with otherwise chill views. Shitbag opinions tend to cluster.)
"The risk would have been what made it fun for James." SIRIUS STOP BEING A KNOB
Hogwarts High Inquisitor. Subtlety ain't the strong point of these books.
The deep, sincere unfairness of McGonagall punishing Harry for being punished by Umbridge rustled my jimmies when I was 14 and it rustles 'em good and hard now
I was, I think, the perfect age to read these as they were coming out, as 14-15 was the age at which my anger issues were really starting to kick off, so I identified with Harry pretty hard.
Hermione thinks Harry should teach Defense Against the Dark Arts AND SHE'S RIGHT
I love Hermione, but getting a whole pile of Hogwarts students to meet up in the shady pub students don't usually go to is an unfortunate plan.
Zacharias Smith is a fuckhat
Ginny's string of boyfriends is iconic
Incidentally, if I could get on those hands-free knitting spells, YES PLEASE. I'm still yearning for cleaning and cooking spells, too.
Hermione "Snitches Get Face Boils" Granger
Add "a History of Magic teacher who teaches actual lessons" to the list of Hogwarts reforms. (I know I've said this before, but REALLY. If there were ever a context in which "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" applied...)
I forgot Prof. Grubbly-Plank's first name is Wilhelmina. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank. Chosen by fate to become a posh wizarding horse lesbian.
Still fucked up about Fred and George. Eternally fucked up about Fred and George.
I will also take a Room of Requirement if there's a spare one going
Imagine how sad Draco Malfoy's life is that he has nothing better to do than making badges and composing songs to be cruel to others.
Everyone else is working hard on prepping for O.W.L.s and there's Malfoy, up late with a rhyming dictionary, surrounded by balled-up parchment scraps, magic badge press clanking away by itself
I can't believe Malfoy made it out of his teens without having every square inch of his body punched, constantly, by everyone he met
Not that I'm surprised, because fascism of all kinds relies on abuse tactics carried out on a broader scale, but woooowwwwww Umbridge carefully stripping away everything that brings Harry joy is wild
Wait, giants are 20+ feet tall? That's more than 6 metres. DAMN, Hagrid's Dad.
"Yeh’d think, seein’ as how their whole race is about finished, they’d lay off each other, but..." If this is meant to be a metaphor for wizarding society, it's a bit heavy-handed.
AND Umbridge doesn't like dogs. Damning evidence.
Delores Umbridge retire bitch
Alright alright alright I'm on mid-range cold and flu meds and I'm ready to delve back into the wizarding world's many sociopolitical problems
I wonder who the Slytherin boy who can see Thestrals is meant to be?
Dobby's golden "Have A Very Harry Christmas" baubles are a delight. Can't believe they never made those as merch.
crying about Neville showing rapid improvement when taught by a competent, supportive teacher
Is it cheating if I skip Harry and Cho kissing entirely? Lowkey having flashbacks to terrible kisses from my own teenage years.
Heterosexuality is boooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrinnnnngggggggg
Incidentally, even though it's in character for a teenage boy in the 90's, playing into the "girls are inscrutable mysteries, boys are powerless to understand them" trope is... gross
Sirius delightedly making breakfast for Harry and the Weasleys in the wake of Arthur being attacked makes me feel emotions
While on the topic of feeling emotions, Harry's first instinct on learning he's connected to Voldemort being to cut himself off from everyone he loves is Peak Harry.
How, HOW, have none of the adults in Harry's life worked out that keeping Harry in the dark always ends badly? A natural tactician, he is not.
This is really the book when Ginny seriously becomes a character. I'm so fond of her.
On one hand, the tragicomedy of meeting Lockhart in St Mungo's is rough, but on the other, imagine how Neville would have felt if Lockhart had SUCCEEDED in irretrievably wiping Harry and Ron's memories?
Like, you're 12 years old, your parents have been empty shells since you were tiny, and two of your classmates turn up with their brains wiped? Fuuuuuuuck. Thanks for side-stepping that one, JK. (though it would be a neat Neville-centric AU concept.)
I wish I could get a calendar with a different fancy Hippogriff for each month.
There was a lot wrong with the OotP film, but Neville getting to see pictures of his parents as happy members of the original Order was a lovely addition.
Don't you just wish Sirius had socked Snape in the nose when he had the chance
Depressingly, we join our heroes with Harry asking out Cho Chang. Your humble livetweeter may or may not skip through their date later on.
Snape is really, genuinely a bad teacher. Quite aside from being a noxious pustule of a human being, he's just... not good at teaching. SORT IT OUT DUMBLES
Teaching is about communicating knowledge. Shaming your students for not knowing things or not being instantly good at things is very much counterproductive, and it also means you're a dick.
"For a first attempt, that was not as poor as it might have been," Snape says to a traumatised fifteen year old to whom he is teaching magic that many adult wizards cannot perform
Also Snape giving Harry shit for not being able to instantly let go of his anger and resentment after bullying him for five years because of a high school rivalry with his dad is TOO MUCH
Madame Puddifoot's sounds like a high-femme nightmare
Put Cho Chang on the "please, o lord, go and see a counselor or a therapist" list too.
If you only want to go on a date with someone to discuss your trauma with them, ooooooohhhhhhh golly please make that clear in advance
"Your parents were decent. If they'd lived, things would be different, wouldn't they?" Yes, Hagrid, that is in fact the inciting incident of the whole series, thanks
Hermione "Chaotic Good Mastermind" Granger is back at it again with the Quibbler interview concept.
Also J.K.'s terribad view of communication in romantic relationships can get in the bin. TALK TO PEOPLE YOU'RE SEEING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!!
Umbridge banning the Quibbler, what a bell-end
I like to hope Seamus coming around to believing Harry helped to repair his relationship with Dean, which I imagine underwent a fairly rocky period through 5th year
Without wishing to kinkshame, everyone who wrote romantic Snape/Harry fic post-OotP had some shit going on.
Parvati and Lavender getting horny for centaurs 👀🐎
"That," said Firenze, "is human nonsense."
The astonishing self-confidence of Fudge, thinking two Aurors would be enough to take in Albus Dumbledore. Get a grip, Corny.
I also have questions as to why Dumbles kept Filch, who openly talks about wanting to whip students, on at Hogwarts.
OH NO I just thought too hard about how the Haz Poz series is about the children of the first war fulfilling the interrupted lives of the older generation and what that means about Fred & George Weasley as the avatars of Fabian & Gideon Prewett
Once again, can't extract my Shoebox feels from my canon feels, but Molly's feelings about Fred & George- how much harder she was on them than her other children- were probably influenced by having given them the initials of her dead brothers.
Ah yes, young Snape following James, Sirius, Remus and Peter around to spy on them, what a normal activity for a teenage boy to engage in
"...looking rather haughty and bored, but very handsomely so." THAT'S MY BOIIIIII
The terrible discovery that your dad and his mates, when they were teenage boys, behaved like shitty teenage boys.
Having read this book before, through the entire sequence of planning the firecall to Sirius, I'm internally chanting THE MIRROR, YOU DIPSHIT!!! SIRIUS GAVE YOU A TWO-WAY MIRROR!!!!!!!!
Imagine how often, through this year, Sirius might have tried to contact Harry through his own two-way mirror, never getting a response.
"I should have made my meaning more clear. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher." GET HER MCGOOGLES
Harry risking his wellbeing to have a chat about his daddy issues with his gay uncles is queer culture
At it again with an enormous mug of tea and the sweaty shivers, just in time for Fred and George absconding from Hogwarts on their brooms
(I'd love to tell you my emotional intensity about Harry Potter is affected by how disgustingly sick I am right now, but, sadly, I have this many feelings all the time.)
Draco Malfoy talking loudly about how nepotism alone will carry him through his exams, because I didn't loathe him enough already.
Harry doing well in his exams based on his practical experience rather than his book learnin' is both deeply relatable and a nice example of different people's learning styles.
oohhhhh the night raid on Hagrid's hut during the Astronomy exam. It is, incidentally, fucked that they didn't get more time to complete the exam, considering the examiner was also watching a team of Aurors ATTACKING TEACHERS.
Ultimately, I think my real hangup about the Potter books is that J.K. is BORING. Invents a whole magical underworld, and... makes it exactly the same as the real world, except with spells and potions. Same politics, same socioeconomic structures.
The ONE wizarding school in the UK is a castle full of stairs, and not for a second does she consider what cool magical workarounds could make it accessible. Instead, "oh, they get rid of disabilities with magic". Aside from being ableist, that's the most boring answer possible.
She's got rich snobs, poor people, racist caricatures running a bank- just one bank, mind you. If you can MAKE STUFF and COOK FOOD with your pointy stick- which we repeatedly see people doing- why is their society exactly like ours? Wherefore wizard capitalism?
Everyone lives to be crazy old, but also everyone is heterosexual and marries young and has kids, unless they're a teacher or a weirdo. THAT'S BORING. YOU'RE BORING. I'M BORED.
Spending the entirety of the second Umbridge office firecall caper internally screaming YOU HAVE A MAGIC TWO-WAY MIRROR! IT'S IN YOUR TRUNK! YOU PROBABLY HAD TO MOVE IT OUT OF THE WAY TO GET YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK!
howwwww did the biggest ship in HP fandom end up being Harry/a bigoted, bullying, wizard Hitler Youth snob who is delighted by the idea of watching Harry being tortured
Hermione luring Umbridge into the forest is one of the most intensely Machiavellian movies she makes, but dang, Umbridge really does the work for her, doesn't she.
Harry wouldn't have picked Ginny, Luna and Neville to go to the Department of Mysteries with him, because Harry is a dipstick
The ongoing theme in HP of those whose lives have been touched by death being irretrievably marked by it really deserves more unpacking than it gets.
Yes, I know it's a cultural throwback to old-timey school and adventure novels that people call one another by their surnames, but it's interesting to consider how it consolidates the themes around family, inheritance and lineage.
Particularly interesting when Harry's talking to Lucius Malfoy in the Department of Mysteries, and in the text he's just called Malfoy, exactly like his son.
Neville breaking his dad's wand as a metaphor for becoming his own person, rather than the disappointing replacement as which his grandmother has always seen him.
I also really wish Ron's recovery from falling into the tank of weird brains was mentioned... ever...
(I tweeted this before it actually happened in the book and it's only one brain, my credibility is ruined)
Neville, alone, bleeding from a broken nose, immediately leaping to Harry's aid. My sweet Gryffindor baby.
Neville breaking the prophecy as a metaphor for becoming his own person, rather than the un-chosen "failure" counterpoint to Harry's Chosen One role
Will I ever stop having emotions about Sirius Black, laughing as he falls to his bloodless death? Looks like no.
AU where Remus doesn't manage to pull Harry back and he, too, dies in the Department of Mysteries
"...Sirius had never kept him waiting before. Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him."

I'm fine
"Aww, did you love him, little baby Potter?" Voldemort, and, by extension, the Death Eaters, feel disdain for love and loyalty born from love, and it always ends up being their downfall.
Imagine if they'd been able to get Sir Ian McKellen as Dumbledore.
I dunk on JK a lot, and am unlikely to stop doing so, but her depiction of Harry's grief over Sirius is SO real, and it hurts my feelings.
"You do care. You care so much you feel you will bleed to death with the pain of it." Fuck me this scene hits me in the guts.
Fineas Nigellus walking from portrait to portrait in Grimmauld Place, looking for Sirius.
Also, Dumbledore's "I fucked up" speech, whew.
I hope y'all are ready for more scalding hot Harry Potter takes because it's TIME FOR JENN'S OPINION
You know my feelings on Dumbledore are complicated, but he's absolutely right that wizards have treated all non- and part-human magical beings like dirt.
HER BLOOD BECAME YOUR REFUGE is my next metal album
Dumbledore not wanting to tell Harry about the prophecy- trying to protect a young person from the true extent to which their life is at risk- is gay culture
Love being the ultimate power in this universe is... some anime shit
I read a pile of Harry/Draco in the gap between OotP and HBP and I don't? Know why?? Considering this interaction in chapter 38 where Malfoy threatens Harry's life because Lucius is in Azkaban???
Ginny, you can't date Dean Thomas, he's in a committed relationship and he and Seamus have JUST sorted their drama out, don't do this
Moody and Lupin and Tonks and the Weasleys coming to greet Harry at King's Cross 😢
Aw, beans, Hermione's parents DO turn up at the train station at the end of OotP, there goes that "Hermione memory charmed her parents at the end of GoF and never goes home until after the war" theory
"Are you threatening me?" "Yes I am." "And do I look like the sort of man who can be intimidated?" "Well, yes, I'd have say you do, Dursley." I LOVE MOODY
And that's OotP finished! We're more than halfway through!
I can't remember exactly when this book is set, so I'm not clear if I'm meant to be imagining John Major or Tony Blair having a chat with Fudge. I'd prefer Blair, obvs.
He's been in office longer than 10 minutes, it's Major. Ugh.
The only good thing about Severus Snape is his lifelong commitment to the goth aesthetic
HBP is probably the most mangled in the book->movie adaptation, but we owe thanks to the casting agents who cast Helen McCrory as Narcissa Malfoy, not least because I am gay gay gay for Helen McCrory.
Imagine if they'd cast someone who was- how do I put this- less of an unmitigated ham as Bellatrix. IMAGINE the performance an actress who is actually capable of nuance could have delivered.
The time post-HBP is when I first encountered Snape stans. Peak LiveJournal time, so there were actual conversations going on. Looking back on it, every one of them was still entirely wrong and Snape is the worst
I don't know if the coward who decided against putting Dumbledore's book-canon waist-length hair is the same coward who gave Fudge a black bowler hat, but they're a coward all the same.
Coming of age and therefore being obliged to mature earlier than your "normal" (Muggle, straight) contemporaries is also queer culture
"Although, of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself."
Ah, Horace Slughorn, or, Wow J.K. Really Hates Fat People, episode 9623.
Tonks suffering the terrible angst of having feelings for someone who's still hung up on his dead boyfriend
Y'all know I am past master at the queer reading, but you know who's straight? Ron Weasley.
I'm down for bi!Ron, especially in a Harry/Ron/Hermione context, but it's not my initial take on the character.
Hermione losing her shit over her exam marks, having gotten 10 Outstanding and 1 Exceeds Expectations O.W.L.s, is Peak Hermione
Draco Malfoy is a nasty little bigot and I am SO PERPLEXED as to why so many of us (myself included!) thought he was worth shipping with anyone.
Neville Longbottom is my sweet plant boy and I love him
The heavy-handed nepotism stuff going on in the Slug Club sure is extremely heavy-handed, hey.
I am enjoying Malfoy's snide jealousy over not being invited to Slug Club, though not super enjoying his relish over his Wizard Hitler Youth activities
Malfoy stamping on Harry's face and leaving him under the Invisibility Cloak on the train, ooh how dreamy (HOW DID ANY OF US SHIP THIS)
"Snape had placed himself forever and irrevocably beyond the possibility of Harry's forgiveness by his attitude toward Sirius." A big and sincere mood.
I genuinely wonder what Dumbledore thought the outcome of letting TWO Death Eaters back into Hogwarts would be, especially if Snape told him about the plan for Malfoy to kill him.
"It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have." MCGONAGALL SPITTING TRUTH ABOUT MY BOY NEVILLE
Snape moving into the D.A.D.A. classroom and immediately gothing it up with candlelight and body horror art is the only cool thing Snape ever did in his life
T H E R E ' S N O N E E D T O C A L L M E ~ * S I R * ~ , P R O F E S S O R
Seriously, JK, you can just tell us once that a character is fat. We will remember. You don't need to point out their bulging bellies and wobbling chins every time they appear.
AU where Ron is the one who picks up the marked-up copy of Advanced Potion Making
Was there Malfoy fic sparked by "you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love"? Seems on-theme.
Harry suddenly being good at Potions when a) taught by a teacher who's not a rampaging bully and b) assisted by a competent potionmaker is a strong argument for Snape being A GARBAGE TEACHER WHO BELONGS IN A GARBAGE FIRE
Imagine how good his students could have been if Snape had used his Potions skills to actually... y'know... impart his expertise to his students, like some kind of... teacher...
The stuff about the Gaunts is a bit overcooked, I think.
"I'm tall."
real friends Confund dickheads at sports tryouts
Dumbledore and his "I can do whatever I want" permit
While it is painfully evident that Tom Riddle was the product of trauma and an institutional upbringing, his worst tendencies might have been curbed by a school with ANY KIND OF PASTORAL CARE AT ALL.
You meet a boy who you immediately identify as having tendencies towards "cruelty, secrecy and domination", and bring him to a private boarding school where he's sorted into a house that encourages kids towards cruelty, secrecy and domination
"Why don't you try getting off with McLaggen?" uhhhhh does 'getting off with' mean something different in the U.K or
More drama in Dean and Seamus' relationship when Dean, already dating Ginny, makes the Quidditch team over Seamus. I hope these crazy kids work it out.
"You seem too busy to call [Ron] a prat, and I thought someone should." Everyone who's ever told me Ginny has no personality can fight me IRL
I wonder if Harry emulating Umbridge's interrogation technique to fake-dose Ron with Felix Felicis is intentional.
Ron & Hermione's will-they-won't-they drama is also booooooooorrrriiinnnggg
DESPOILED! DESSICATED!!! BEFOULED!!!!! (Madame Pince is me re: writing in books)
also making out in public is repulsive, RON
Girls at Slughorn's party getting flustered over a vampire! How very 2005.
wwwhhhhhyyyyyy is Trelawney's drinking problem played for laughs
"I shall decide how hard, or otherwise, to be." ooher, Mr Snape
The big gold chain with "MY SWEETHEART" on it! More like Chav-ender Brown amirite
"Some would say it's your duty to be used by the Ministry." Careful, Scrimgeor, your deep-rooted authoritarian streak is showing.
Man I wish I was interested in Voldemort's personal history, and I know it's relevant to the Horcruxes and Voldemort's ultimate defeat, but, y'know
Slughorn is ALSO A BAD TEACHER. Without wishing to shit on Dumbledore's strategy for defeating Voldemort, which does in fact work, I do worry for the hundreds of students whose education was ruined by it.
Stephen Fry doesn't know how to pronounce February
God DAMN I wish I could Apparate.
Ron and Hermione won't-they-ing is very boring, but having said that, Hermione constantly dunking on "Won-Won" is delightful.
Love potions are terrifying; a point on which I'm glad JK and I agree.
Slughorn offering two teenagers mead first thing in the morning, before breakfast, like a responsible adult
Anyone who didn't believe Ron and Hermione were going to end up together just did not read the books properly.
Harry really does get up to a lot of Weasley-saving. (because their family is symbolic of everything Harry wishes he had, and Hazza is a save-what-you-love type hero.)
"It's always been a bit of a risk sending a kid to Hogwarts," says Hagrid, once again cutting to the heart of the issue
Coming to the text as an adult, I feel like Harry's obsession with Malfoy in sixth year isn't the ho-yay romantic thing a bunch of fandom took it to be, but
a) an outlet for Harry's frustrated urges to help others and
b) Malfoy being a literal Death Eater, and acting like it
Luna Lovegood's Quidditch commentary is a gift
I typed out "McLaggen Bottoming his way through the Quidditch match" except that doesn't sound like I mean it to sound. I refer here to Bottom from Midsummer Night's Dream, okay? Okay.
McLaggen is an enormous Bottom [see above]
Teen Riddle pulling a Max Bialystock on Hepzibah Smith reminds me that, incidentally, immensely fat and surrounded by treasure is how I intend to end up
I had a joke lined up about Dumbledore refusing to call Voldemort by his chosen name and that nightmare "Snape was a trans woman" article, but I think I'm too cis to make it
"Master Malfoy moves with a nobility that befits his pure blood! His features recall the fine bones of my mistress and his manners are those of-"
"Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!"

in which Kreacher & Dobby are pro- and anti-Malfoy fandom, respectively
This castle is at least seven stories high, and only has stairs. Every Hogwarts graduate must have calves like granite.
Draco Malfoy crying in the toilets, like boo hoo I joined a fascist terrorist organisation and they expect me to do terrorist things, who could have foreseen this, boo hoo
Felix Felicis is a hell of a drug
I've made my feelings re: the movie of HBP pretty clear, but lest we forget:
(listening to Slughorn singing about Odo the Hero is giving me odd DS9 flashsides)
Love how Harry's plan to get Slughorn's Horcrux memory is boils down to getting him drunk and emotionally manipulating him
teaching these kids some basic Latin and Greek would go a long way to prevent difficulties like Harry not knowing what Sectumsempra was going to do
The iteration of the Room of Requirement full of lost, hidden and abandoned items sounds like my house lol
"Then why does it have the name Roonil Wazlib written inside the front cover?"

"It's my nickname."



Amongst my least favourite things about Snape and his bullshit methods of teaching and discipline is his taste for giving out punishments which punish people who haven't done anything wrong.
BACK ON MY HAZ POZ BULLSHIT (HBP chapter 25, for those listening along at home*)

(*do not do this)
Ginny Weasley is definite girlfriend goals
Perhaps the counsellor Hogwarts so desperately needs could also talk to Trelawney about accessing support for her substance abuse problems
"You were never much of a Seer, but you were a wonderful object." is this another one of those Ron-style 'inadvertently telling God's honest truth' occurances
"Haven't you noticed, Professor, that the people Snape hates tend to end up dead?"

I'm going to lunch but WHAT is the POINT of my thread anymore when this one exists
I have been to lunch, where we got onto the topic of Peter Capaldi and I managed to not yell about how they should have hired him as Rufus Scrimgeor! My veneer of adulthood improves
(I like Bill Nighy as much as the next nerd, but Capaldi would have blown him out of the water as Scrimgeor, and I'm mad about it)
One of the fundamental things I just Do Not Get about Voldemort is his obsession with his own history. Putting the locket in a cave he once visited while he was a child? Sure, I guess, but WHY?
ooohhhh I need a spooky hard-to-access cave, better find one with traceable ties to my own history, couldn't just find a new one, YOUR OBSESSION WITH YOURSELF IS WHAT GETS YOU DEAD AT 71 WHEN WIZARDS REGULARLY LIVE PAST 100
lake full o' corpses
jesus wept this bit with the potion is doolally
A lot of sincerely fucked up shit happens to Harry in these books, but having to force-feed a potion that causes incredible agony to his mentor and protector is a bad time.
Malfoy doing his Bond-villain speech like he actually has the capacity to do a murder
People gave Hazza shit for suspecting Malfoy of everything he did, in fact, do. If people listened when Harry talked, this book series might have gone in a very different way.
"Jokes? No, no, these are manners." a mood
Fenrir "What's Up I Love Murdering Kids" Greyback
AU where Greyback manages to bite Harry
Hagrid's first thought when his house catches fire is that HIS DOG IS IN THERE
Snape and Harry are LITERALLY DUELLING and Snape STILL takes the time to talk shit about James Potter
Snape, bruh, you're directly responsible for Harry's parents' death. You're a wizard Nazi. You're a rubbish teacher and a nightmarish bully, and you just murdered a guy. Be glad "coward" is the worst thing Harry's calling you.
For a hot (bdum-tish) second I really thought Hagrid was going to die in this book, and I would crabsolutely have chucked the book out a window had that happened
Tonks deserves somebody young... and whole... and at all emotionally equipped for a relationship...
There is, I am aware, a certain level of ironic detachment to my tweets, so I feel obliged to tell you that I have had a discreet cry over Hagrid's reaction to Dumbledore's body, over Bill Weasley and Fleur, and over the agreement to have Dumbledore's funeral at Hogwarts.
In light of Cursed Child, the trolley witch from the Hogwarts Express turning up to Dumbledore's funeral is A WORRY.
Dumbles may have had some enormous ethical black holes in his behaviour, but his belief that fighting evil requires fighting over and over, that the fight can never be ignored, means a lot to me.
As ever, the book's narrative climax takes something away from Harry- this time, the last of Harry's belief that anyone can protect him, and that anyone but him can defeat Voldemort.
Harry and Ginny breaking up for stupid noble reasons 😢
Super weird that J.K. wrote a book series about not trusting authority and turned out to be a big ol' Tory
Alright alright alright it's DEATHLY HALLOWS time. We're on the home stretch, folks!
I know I am a monster for thinking this while a terrified, tortured woman revolves over a table full of fascist terrorists, but: the wizarding kink scene must be WILD
Elphias Doge is another tremendous gay
Rita Skeeter is a dumpster fire
Dumbles being gay- especially being the only character we're told is gay, even off the page- makes Rita Skeeter suggesting his relationship with Harry was "sinister" even yuckier.
Things I wish were in the movies, no. 793: Dudley's farewell to Harry.
"I don't think you're a waste of space."
Thinking with great fondness about the small but delightful genre of "Dudley has kids to turn out to be wizards" fic
Harry walking around the Dursleys' house for the last time.
"Even You Know Who can't split himself into seven!" lol
oooooobviously the Harry who tries Expelliarmus on a Death Eater is the real one
yes I am aware this morning's effort has mostly been quotes and crying but... y'know... I've got a lot of emotions about the Order of the Phoenix protecting Harry Potter.
DH is the book I've re-read the least; I used to do re-reads before each book release, and I did a full re-read a few years back, so this is maybe my third or fourth full trip through the book.
As an adult, I understand Molly Weasley wanting to prevent three 17 year olds who are being hunted by dark wizards going off to hunt evil magical artifacts by themselves.
"It isn't stealing!!!" says Hermione, telling a story about how she stole books
I love Fleur Delacour's tiny fat dad
They're in the middle of a war, and not only are Bill and Fleur having a beautiful wedding, Fred and George are flirting with French girls. I love Weasleys.
It is 2018 and only on this day have I worked out why Xenophilius Lovegood is called that. Hoisted on my own linguistic petard.
(JK probably means "affection for foreign objects or people" rather than "monster fucker", because she's a coward)
Not that I'm planning to get married any time soon, but if I could have a wedding like Bill and Fleur's, I would.
The movies omit the conversation where Krum explains what the Deathly Hallows symbol means with regards to Grindelwald, but it's always made me feel a little weird about people getting tattoos of it.
I can't wait to be 107 years old and shriek at my relatives like Aunty Muriel
ooohhhhh uncomfortable parallels between Ariana Dumbledore- kept locked in the house, parents pretending she didn't exist- and Harry, in his cupboard.
When I say I'd like a wedding like Bill & Fleur's, I mean everything up until the Death Eaters show up, obviously
If you have to want to cause pain for the Cruciatus curse to be really effective, how does getting Draco to perform it when he clearly doesn't want to actually serve Voldemort's interests?
"Had Dumbledore actually cared about Harry at all, or had Harry been nothing but a tool to be polished and honed, but not trusted, never confided in?"

Harry asks the big questions.
The bedroom of teen Sirius, full of Muggle titty posters and pictures of motorcycles, and a picture of his friends.
sobbing my brains out over Lily's letter about 1 year old Harry breaking stuff on his toy broom
The stuff about "so-called Muggleborn wizards stealing their magic powers from honest wizards" is a biiiiiiiit strong
Lupin, trying to follow Harry on the Horcrux hunt, leaving pregnant Tonks with her parents, is an irresponsible bell-end in this book
Like, my dude, if you didn't want to make Tonks an outcast and pass your condition on to a child, you should have thought about that before you married Tonks, and DEFINITELY before you knocked her up!
Harry is 100% right to chew (bdum-tish) Lupin out for wanting to ABANDON HIS PREGNANT WIFE and I cannot believe Ron and Hermione disagree
petition for some charitable soul to give the wizarding world contraceptives
Kreacher being nice to be around when treated with kindness and respect! If only someone had been talking about treating elves with kindness and respect for THREE YEARS 👀
On a scale of subtlety in literary imagery, the MAGIC IS MIGHT statue with the giant witch and wizard sitting on a throne of naked Muggles is sledgehammer out of ten
Sneaking into the Ministry of Magic is a whole adventure in JK's Opinions On Bureaucracy, and another damning example of the deeply cooked power structures of the wizarding world.
If I were Harry, I would definitely want a copy of that UNDESIRABLE NO. 1 poster.
Delores Umbridge is a scabrous boil on the buttocks of wizarding society and I'm glad she ended up rotting in Azkaban
Apparently Hermione DOES end up Minister for Magic, so the real JK and I agree on ONE point, but Ron taking over Weasley's Wizard Wheezes when he'd clearly make a better Auror than Harry would is a waste
Bullshit Spells In The HP Universe no. 264: "Repello Muggletum". Guess what that one does.
The negative aspects of Ron's personality the locket Horcrux brings out are super interesting. Particularly the comparisons between his and Harry's childhoods- the Weasleys are poor, but stable and loving, and Ron's never gone hungry. He's always had a secure home to return to.
While I don't agree with Ron haters, I do understand where it comes from, because Ron's a real shitbag sometimes. He comes from a family with high tempers who yell at each other all the time; Harry's grown up associating raised voices with his abusive relatives. That's a bad mix.
Ron and Hermione yell and snipe at each other all the time. It's part of how they show affection for one another. Harry fundamentally doesn't understand that, and probably never will. It's likely to be an issue in his relationship with Ginny.
Ron's sense of security, his love of hearth and home, and his hot temper (he's not as reckless as Harry, not least because he has a LOT less of a deathwish) make him a pretty rubbish adventuring companion. That's why he runs. He's a hobbit, and he's no Sam Gamgee.
Very fond of the bit where Ted Tonks, Dirk Cresswell, Dean Thomas, Griphook, and Gornuk sit around eating baked salmon and conveniently laying out the bits of plot the trio have missed
I wish we could trust JK to write an entire book about Neville's seventh year at Hogwarts, running around the castle, causing havoc with Ginny and Luna. (fic recs welcome)
WOW Ron is a dipshit in this book. I've outlined some of my thoughts as to why this is, but wwoooooowwwwwww the stuff that comes out of Ron under the influence of the Horcrux is gross, and I've always felt that what a Horcrux draws out of you was always in you, somewhere.
It's why Umbridge coped so well with the locket- she's a godawful nightmare person, so it only makes her stronger. It makes Hermione more anxious and Harry more fractious. Ron is the Pettigrew of the new generation, and this is where it shows.
He doesn't betray Harry (because this story is about kids becoming better versions of their forebears) but he's a real dick while they're on the run. We've seen this behaviour before, especially in GoF, when he's jealous of Harry being in the Triwizard Tournament.
(putting the brakes on the HazPoz train for the day- my actual job requires my whole brain this afternoon.)
OKAY! Your favourite critic of British wizard society, me, is back! I have a burrito and milk tea and I'm pressing play on Deathly Hallows chapter 16, Godric's Hollow... now.
Telling Fineas Nigellus shit about shit is ALWAYS THE DUMB OPTION
That the History of Magic textbook these kids all work out of STOPS AT THE END OF THE 1800s explains so much, holy shit
Seriously! These kids are learning History of Magic from a droning ghost, out of a textbook that's 90+ YEARS out of date. No wonder their modern history knowledge is a sack of crap.
Ultimately, the problem in Dumbledore and Harry's relationship was that Dumbledore wanted a weapon, not a son, and regarded his affection for Harry as a weakness; Harry wanted a father and a friend, and got neither.
I agree with Harry that nobody having taken him to Godric's Hollow to see his parents' house and grave is pretty cooked
I wonder to what extent @jonnywaistcoat based Sylvia McDonald in MAG10: Vampire Killer on Harry and Hermione meeting snake-zombie Bathilda Bagshot, consciously or otherwise?
"Didn't pain cease with death? Didn't it go?" listen mate we can only hope
Still seems wildly unlikely that Lily Potter is the first person to die for their child in a magical context, but given how good their historical education is, maybe it was happening all the time, who can say
(or maybe it was maternal love vs. nasty fucked up Horcrux soul whammajamma and love won, but I'm willing to believe "we just don't care about shit until at least a century has passed" too)
On one hand, yes, the "dominance over Muggles" thing is extreme yuck, but AS IF Dumbles was the only 18 year old who thought having superpowers gave him power over others.
Listen, Harry, haven't we all had an ill-advised fling with a pretty, charismatic boy who turned out to be a fascist?
(I do actually have a bunch of thoughts about Dumbledore and Grindlewald's relationship- two brilliant boys with very different attitudes to power, falling briefly and dazzlingly in love, and then separating just as abruptly- but they're not all that funny tbh)
(perhaps later when I'm in more of an "earnest exploration of relationships between people with different ideologies and how they're interpreted by outsiders whose motivations in said interpretations are very much in question" kind of mood)
Ah, Harry "I guess I better jump in this pond in the middle of winter" Potter
Hey, so: why does Harry know how to swim? Do they do lessons in the lake at Hogwarts, or is that a thing they do in schools in the U.K. like they do in Australia?
The extreme shade of Dumbledore's bequest to Ron being "when you fuck up and run away, here's something to bring you back to your friends"
Ron destroying the Horcrux as a symbol for overcoming his inferiority complex is... actually a pretty great bit of story, noice
The scene between Hermione and Ron when Ron comes back, where she yells at him and hits him and tries to curse him, is pretty much the shining example of why Ron and Hermione work together and Harry/Hermione would never ever ever have worked
Ron's towering mummy issues- the stuff the locket brings up in particular- are soothed by his relationship with Hermione, who fights almost exactly like Molly does, except he's allowed to fight back, because their power is equal.
A woman who is like his mother enough to scratch that itch, but different enough that he can have a relationship less imbalanced than his parents', was the only healthy option for Ron. Hermione needs the grounding influence someone as straightforward as Ron can provide.
(does Ron Weasley have a mummy kink? 10000000% yes, do not @ me)
The Lovegoods' kitchen- a big round room, painted with birds and flowers in primary colours- sounds boss as hell
Rhys Ifans was a great Xenophilius Lovegood. Reminds me a great deal of a friend of a friend who bought an abandoned hospital to house his collection of thousands of books, and who uses hollowed out carrots as ersatz weed pipes.
We're back with Deathly Hallows chapter 21, The Tale of the Three Brothers, or, Delicious, Finally, Some Good Fucking Lore
Once again, Hermione remains bizarrely close-minded for someone who goes to MAGIC SCHOOL and does LITERAL MAGIC EVERY DAY
Harry talking about resurrecting his friends and family immediately after hearing a story about resurrected loved ones being miserable about being brought back. Classic Potter.
Man, I want to be understanding about Xenophilius turning Harry over to the Ministry to save Luna, but surely, SURELY, someone who runs a conspiracy theory magazine would know you couldn't trust a totalitarian government?
your friendly reminder that Hermione is a stone-cold Machiavellian beast who voluntarily mind-wiped her parents
Once again, I really hope Hermione made some other friends who challenged her totalitarian views before she became Minister for Magic, because "if it's not in our ministry-sanctioned school books it can't possibly exist" is... a worry...
"Why wouldn't Dumbledore, who told precisely nobody shit about shit ever, have told you the exact details of this quest? Ancient magical relics can't possible exist," said Hermione, who is literally a witch
"I'd say that it's one short step from 'wizards first' to 'purebloods first', and then to Death Eaters," says Kingsley 'Woke Bae' Shacklebolt
There's an essay in Fenrir Greyback's presentation (scruffy, filthy, scabs around his mouth) vs. Lupin's presentation (weary, scarred, visibly poor) with regards to lycanthropy as a metaphor for HIV/AIDs, but I'm insufficiently literate about HIV/AIDs to write it
The ridiculous infighting between the Death Eaters is yet another reason why regimes like Voldemort's are such a shitty idea. You can't maintain power for any length of time if you keep torturing and killing off your own people.
aaauuuggghhhhh Bellatrix torturing Hermione is a real, real bad time
The whole arc of these books is pretty much a 180° angle line on the Shit Getting Real over Time chart, but Wormtail choking himself to death with his silver hand is defs a spike
Bellatrix torturing Hermione, Wormtail dying, and Bellatrix offering Hermione to Greyback all happen within a few pages of one another! Fuck!
Peep with me through my Time Window™ back to the 21st of July, 2007, sometime in the afternoon, fuckin' weeping over Dobby's death, still rattled by that freight train of a chapter
God, PARTICULARLY Dobby's funeral at Shell Cottage- there's a lot of shit they left out of the movies that I'm bitter about, but everyone gathering to say farewell is heartbreaking, and unless I'm misremembering, it's not in the movie at all.
The interview with Griphook is fascinating, too; an actual serious conversation about how wizards have enslaved house elves (to the point that they're called "house elves", not just "elves") and ostracized goblins, and refused wands to anyone non-human.
(I really like the in-universe use of wand lore as metaphors for people's temperaments and character)
(ya girl's wand is poplar and dragon heartstring, 13", supple, if you were wondering)
I have now eaten lunch and am as such slightly less easy to emotionally compromise! We're back with Harry having chosen NOT to tear after Voldemort to stop him getting the Elder Wand, and spending a lot of time being alone on a clifftop.
The argument over whether or not Godric Gryffindor stole the sword from goblins and whether or not it's better to cheat a goblin out of a goblin artifact or to hand over an important tool in the war against Voldemort is 😬
I expect there's also a whole thesis in Griphook being a dick and the importance of improving goblin-human relations, too
thinking complicated thoughts about Sirius Black as Harry's godfather and Harry as Teddy Lupin's godfather, and rich reckless Gryffindor hero types generally
Hermione as Bellatrix is a trip
uuuggghghhhh Harry casting the Imperius curse is definitely the moral low point of the book
That he starts using an Unforgivable at Griphook's suggestion, and the framing of Griphook's behaviour generally, is another one of those weird doublethinky moral concern of JKs, like her "elves love slavery and have to be introduced to freedom slowly" bullshit
"Goblins hate wizards because wizards oppress goblins. Better make the only goblin we actually get to know delighted by pain and bloodshed and totally down with mind control! And make sure goblins have an enslaved dragon. Great idea."
"Human wizards have been cruel and dismissive towards goblins, who I've portrayed as an uncomfortable mishmash of antisemitic stereotypes, so it's important to have the hero spend time with one... who immediately betrays him for treasure."
Unrelatedly I'm very fond of Aberforth "Goat Furry" Dumbledore
Aberforth absolutely reading Albus for filth is SO GOOD and it deserves its own whole episode in the lavishly detailed, high-budget HBO series I'm going to produce
"Funny thing how many of the people my brother cared about very much ended up in a worse state than if he'd left 'em alone."
Ariana "Bertha Mason" Dumbledore
delighted and heartsick over the idea of 14 year old Aberforth shouting at two of the most powerful wizards in modern wizarding history
hmm it's also very fucked that no Slytherins at all defect or rebel against the Carrows
Dumbledore's Army all assuming that Harry would come back and lead them in open revolution is both very sweet and incredibly stupid
Like, Harry is also only 17? He's been on the run for months? The idea that he alone would turn the tide against a school full of Death Eaters and Dementors is cuckoo bananas???
Okay. Today we're firing up DH chapter 30, The Sacking of Severus Snape. We're five chapters from the end, my friends. God I'm going to miss doing this.
"...affection for Minerva McGonagall washed over him." big mood
oh never mind, McGonagall is doing Unforgiveables now, all good
McGonagall ALSO knows bondage spells well enough to cast them non-verbally, I'm kinkshaming this entire castle
step to McGonagall, you best not miss
"Our Headmaster is taking a short break," said Professor McGonagall, pointing at the Snape-shaped hole in the window.
For the Hogwarts teachers, this does come at the end of most of a year of Death Eater occupation, but I LOVE how ready they are for siege conditions, especially Sprout, who immediately goes for her most murderous plants.
(I'm going to cry a bunch during this bit, should be a picture of dignity at my desk)
There would only be merit in Pansy Parkinson's suggestion that they just hand Harry over if Voldemort had, at any point, demonstrated that he might be an even slightly competent political leader, rather than a raving murderous nutbag
Like! Parkinson! You know, in your heart, that it's never just one kid! It never stops at one kid!
The side plot where the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron used to be lovers until he murdered her is both kind of neat and overwhelmingly heterosexual
I don't care for the phrase "trembling passages" in the least
Ron and Hermione getting into the Chamber of Secrets to destroy Hufflepuff's cup 😍
Augusta Longbottom is goals
Freeing house elves being the thing to tip Hermione and Ron into smooch mode 😍
Harry, Ron, and Hermione vs. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle in the Room of Requirement; the final trio vs. trio fight of the series! Exciting.
(not that I mind Hermione ducking Crabbe's Killing Curse, but it seems wild to me that Avada Kadavra can be ducked, like a regular curse.)
Fiendfyre as both a metaphorical and literal cleansing fire, destroying the lost detritus of centuries and, hopefully, the emotional baggage that went with it.
Harry literally pulling Malfoy out of the fire and then using his Seeker skill to pull the diadem out with both of them on the broom is... whew, some symbolism.
Speaking of symbolism, I REALLY wish JK seemed to have thought more about what a plot about teens taking down a magic fascist by destroying the treasures of icons of the wizarding world- Ravenclaw's diadem, Hufflepuff's cup, Slytherin's locket, the Peverell's ring- actually MEANS
Of seven, there are three Horcruxes directly related to Hogwarts, and they're destroyed by Hogwarts students. If that ain't some "let the past die" shit idk
😭 FRED 😭
Oh, of course, literally all the rest of the Slytherins went to Voldemort. Of course.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione arguing over who should go to Voldemort to kill Nagini is The Most Gryffindor Argument
When I'm the showrunner on my extravagantly well-funded Harry Potter series, I will politely fire anyone who tries to tell me to cut Peeves.
Malfoy running straight back to the Death Eaters after Harry saved his life! What a shitweasel.
Man, this Giant fight makes me want to play a giant or a half-giant (is that a thing?) in a D&D game. Just a real big muscle boy.
"Are you a wizard, or what?"
The key difference between Voldemort and Dumbledore (aside from all the murders) is that Dumbledore had the Elder Wand for close on 50 years, and didn't tell anyone.
The first time I read this book, I was STOKED when Voldemort set Nagini on Snape. Dying slowly from a gushing neck wound is pretty gross, but also... Snape is the worst...
"Lord Voldemort is merciful" is some BUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLSHIT
The destruction of the Slytherin points hourglass, but none of the others, seems like an unnecessary cruelty on top of absolutely no Slytherins staying to fight.
I was thinking "hmm, weird that Snape has a neatly arranged anthology of memories about his obsession with Lily Evans ready to go whenever", but then I thought "To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure" and now I'm having a feeling
Also having a feeling about Lily and Petunia, and about Petunia writing to Dumbledore to beg him to let her go to Hogwarts, even though she couldn't do magic.
"Gryffindor? If you'd rather be brawny than brainy."
"Where are you going, since you're neither?"

All this drama could well have been avoided if the Hogwarts house system wasn't COOKED
It is, of course, also a factor that Snape is the fucking worst
This chapter is called The Prince's Tale, so it's not narratively surprising that it's so Snape-focused, but guess what: I hate Snape
although I am sincerely enjoying Dumbledore dragging Snape
Actually, Dumbledore probably let Malfoy back into Hogwarts so as to avoid tipping off Voldemort that he knew as much as he did.
"Death is coming for me, as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of the league this year." RONBLEDORE IS REAL
"You have kept him alive so he can die at the right moment?" Even Snape thinks Dumbledore's plan is stone-cold. EVEN SNAPE.
Thank goodness some clever writer introduced a Flashback Machine, or clearing up all this secret backstory might have been difficult.
I don't even know how you do that with a wizard picture! Defying internal logic to enhance creepiness!
I have got myself some more water and cut up an apple, and I'm pressing play on chapter 34, The Forest Again, now.
(can I just take a moment to thank everyone who's tolerated this ridiculous thread? I've been banging on about these books for a month and a half, and you've all been terribly patient.)
okay okay back to Harry's messianic suicide run
"How neat, how elegant, not to waste any more lives, but to give the dangerous task to the boy who had already been marked for slaughter." OOF
also weeping over Colin Creevey
Harry's Farewell Tour!!! I'm having an emotion
Quicker and easier than falling asleep. you reckon the resurrection stone actually brings back the dead, or is it just a charm which makes solid one's memories of the dead? JK describes the figures who come to Harry as being like teen Riddle; "made of memory".
It is fucking incomprehensible to me that Harry walked into the forest, thinking clearly about how he's spent his entire life being groomed to die in this moment, and just... does it anyway?
Bearing in mind, this kid goes on to NAME A CHILD after the man who engineered his transformation from innocent baby to teenage soldier sacrifice!
AU where Hogwarts has a counselor who casually leaves How To Tell If You're In A Death Cult pamphlets around the Gryffindor and Slytherin common rooms, and Harry and Draco have simultaneous (if slightly different) revelations
(pardon the interruption, the definitely not pirated copy of DH I have on my phone turns out to be MISSING THE LAST THREE CHAPTERS, so your humble narrator has been frantically signing up to a free Audible trial)
(and waiting for the audiobook to download...)
We have a legal audiobook! Back at it with chap 35, King's Cross.
yuck, repulsive Voldemort soul baby
The whole blood/soul/love magic jam is really unsettling. You know, Tom, if you'd just got yourself a job in the ministry and kept yourself nice, you'd have lived to 150 with no trouble. My grandma beat you by nearly 30 years, and she never murdered anyone. (that I know of)
"You cannot imagine how [Grindlewald's] ideas caught me, Harry, inflamed me?" is that what the kids were calling it in those days
Grindlewald (like Voldemort) is that weird kid you went to school with who everyone assumes is joking or exaggerating about their nightmarish power fantasies but you always lowkey worried about, but with magic powers
(I knew about six of these, but thankfully none of them have gone on to become genocidal magic warlords)
MAN the infodumps in this book
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
the way Stephen Fry says the word "nostrils" is RIDICULOUS
wtf the fuck is the point of casting the Cruciatus curse on a corpse
McGonagall crying 😭
"Neville will now demonstrate what happens to those who continue to oppose me," says Voldemort, moments before Neville slices the fuck out of his soul-snake with the sword of Godric Gryffindor
Kreacher turning up with an army of house elves and Thestrals and forest creatures!!!
Hey, if Harry's death protects everyone at Hogwarts from Voldemort, does that mean they've all got that good good love-protection mumbo jumbo in their blood, now, or did it expire when Voldemort died?
welp, bye Tom
Considering the last in-Hogwarts view we get of the Malfoys is of them huddled together, it's weird that so much post-canon Draco fic has him estranged from his parents.
(the portraits of past headmasters applauding Harry when he comes into the headmaster's office would make it even more satisfying when D.A.D.A. Professor Potter became Headmaster Potter after McGonagall passes)
"I've had enough trouble for a lifetime," says Harry, who then goes off and becomes a wizard cop
I'm about to start the epilogue. This is actually the end of the thread. I'm so fucking attached to these books, and the monstrous people portrayed in them. I love you, the person reading this, specifically.
I 100% believe that Ginny and Harry would get married young and have a pile of kids, much like both of their parents. (I feel like James and Lily would have had more kids, if they'd lived.)
(although this bit where the mist swallows them at the station did make me believe, just for a moment, that Harry had died and we were watching him taking a train, as Dumbledore says, on.)
"I can't give Professor Longbottom LOVE." Get out of the way and let somebody else have a go, then, James
every time Harry says Snape was the bravest man he ever knew, the ghosts of James, Sirius, Remus and Lily all slap their foreheads in unison
That's it! That's the end! Thank you for your patience and your attention! Harry should have become the Hogwarts D.A.D.A. professor at Hogwarts! Goodnight!
...I have now seen the repetition of Hogwarts. Fuck.
Join me next week, when I fire up my collection of unabridged audiobooks of Lord of the Rings*!

*this is a joke, I will not do that
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