Thread by @Efctalk1878

Everton banter era; 2005-2018 (a thread)

May 2005 - After selling one of if not the brightest prospect in the clubs history, Everton finished 4th in the Premier League and with a negative goal difference

August 2005 - After releasing Alessandro Pistone ahead of our Champions League qualifier Everton sorely lacked defensive cover, so re-signed the free agent on a two year contract

August 2005 - Professional lasagna shagger Pierluigi Collina denies Everton a legitimate goal before Villarreal go down the other end and score to knock Everton out of the 2005 Champions League

October 2005 - The aforementioned Pistone played 3 games before doing his ACL and never played for Everton again, he played 4 more times before retiring 3 years later.

August 2006 - Andy Van Der Meyde’s drink was spiked in town and whilst he was in hospital somebody broke into his house and nicked his dog

November 2007 - Everton begin the Tesco Kirkby project stadium move

January 2008 - Everton lose 1-0 in the third round of the FA Cup at home to League One Oldham

December 2008 - After fighting back to 2-2 and Lescott nearly throwing his shirt into the Villa end after a last minute over head kick, Everton conceded straight from the restart to lose 3-2 in a crucial match for top 4.

January 2009 - Midfielders Tim Cahill and Marouane Fellaini play up front for weeks on end whilst Everton have 3 strikers out injured and no one thought to bring a new fella in

February 2009 - Everton score a last minute derby winner for ITV to cut out to adverts throughout the build up and goal and only catch the celebrations

November 2009 - Everton fail in the Tesco Kirkby project stadium move

July 2010 - Everton sign Magaye Gueye for £1m, but wouldn’t spend money on another signing for another 560 days when we spent £540k on Darron Gibson

February 2011 - Everton win a dramatic game on penalties against Premier League Champions Chelsea in the FA Cup 4th round, then to lose at home to Championship Reading in the next round.

August 2011 - Van Der Meyde rings new Everton signing Royston Drenthe to convince him not to sign for Everton cause of the “temptations” in town. He played 20 games and he’s now a rapper

January 2012 - Tim Howard scores the then furthest goal in Premier League history from his own box against a relegation threatened Bolton, only to lose 2-1 after David N’gog and Gary Cahill scored.

April 2012 - Drenthe is then told to “stay away” from the club after bringing two lap dancers to finch farm and leaving them in his car whilst he trained.

September 2012 - After having 3 goals disallowed, Everton finally take the lead in the last minute against Newcastle to then concede again with the last kick of the game to make it 2-2.

January 2013 - David Moyes took off Jelavic for Heitinga in an FA Cup game at Bolton, prompting boos from the away fans only for him to score the winner. Phil Neville spent the celebrations arguing with the away fans

January 2013 - Everton threatening to spend more than £10m on a player for the first time in 5 years and even making him a song only for Leroy Fer to fail a medical and sign for 3 Premier League teams since

March 2013 - 1 point above the relegation zone, and beaten 4-0 by Liverpool the week before, Wigan came to Goodison and scored 3 goals in 3 minutes to win 3-0 on the way to lift the cup and get relegated. We subsequently signed their manager and half their team

January 2014 - Before the Derby Everton had lost just twice in 25 games before being 3-0 down inside 35 minutes, losing 4-0. 15 years without a win at Anfield.

July 2014 - Everton smash their transfer record to sign Romelu Lukaku only for him to give his interview in the coming days;

November 2015 - Everton go 2-0 up at Bournemouth, before going back to 2-2 with 3 minutes to go. Then to retake the lead in the 95th minute, but a pitch invasion from our own fans lead to 3 minutes of added time, when Bournemouth equalised again.

February 2016 - Heading for our first final in 7 years, Martin Atkinson allowed Sterling to take the ball out the ground before bringing it back in and allowing this goal to stand

March 2016 - Despite being 2-0 up with ten men and missing a penalty, Martinez took off a midfielder to give Niasse his debut against West Ham. We conceded 3 times in 9 minutes to lose 3-2.

April 2016 - Despite being 2-0 down away at Anfield, Funes Mori stamped on Sturridge and was sent off before doing this to the away fans. We lost 4-0 (again). 17 years without a win at Anfield.

July 2016 - After holding onto Stones the season before it looked as if Everton could do it again only for him to be included in City’s Champions League squad before a bid had been announced.

August 2017 - New major signing Wayne Rooney goes on the sesh for 10 hours before driving home with a new woman under the influence in her VW Beetle while his Misses was pregnant. One mans granny shagger is another mans freedom fighter

September 2017 - Moussa Sissoko turns his phone off to avoid Ronald Koeman and then signs for Spurs, when he was shite as well.

September 2017 - Despite spending £72m on defenders and goalies in 2 windows, Everton conceded their 14th goal of season and created this image.

September 2017 - After being told he would never play for us again, Niasse became our top scorer with a brace against Bournemouth. His kit number changed from 34 to 19 four days before the game.

November 2017 - The most promising period in our recent history culminates in appointing Sam Allardyce as manager. The best banter of all.

January 2018 - When losing 1-0 in the Merseyside Derby, Everton decide to announce the signing of Cenk Tosun at half time. Printing 3,000 shirts with the name Tuson on the back in the process.

January 2018 - Morgan Schneiderlin losing the ball for the 7,267th time this season only for James McCarthy to get a double leg break when winning it back.

The banter era then.

January 2018 - Everton’s all time top premier league goal scorer threatens to sue the club as their majority shareholder stated that he left the club as his Mum saw a voodoo in Africa telling him to do so. Standard procedure.

October 2017 - When Ashley Williams started World War III and yer da swung at the Lyon goalie with his kid in his other hand.

Realised it was Origi but my head was absolutely battered by this point

September 2016 - Without a trophy in over 20 years, Everton played Championship side Norwich in the cup in a great opportunity to get to the next round. Ex-player Steve Naismith scored as the Gwladys Street end, prompting fans to give him a standing ovation. I felt sick

July 2015 - After bumming us in the Europa League, hundreds of Everton fans found a Dynamo Kiev pre-season game live stream to watch Yarmolenko, convinced he'd sign after the match. We signed Tom Cleverley instead.

February 2018 - My club played 8 defensive players away to Arsenal only to go 4-0 down at half-time, see Aaron Ramsey score a hat-trick and watch Ademola Lookman score the winner on his Leipzig debut. You could very easily write the script.

I see u @ZacDjellab 😉

If you come across this tweet, make sure to give my mate’s podcast a follow @BabblingBlues 🤝🤝