sunday night feels, based on a discord convo a mess of us were having w.r.t. mono/poly in a bdsm environment...but really works as well for general mono/poly feels)

these are my words and parts only.
i come to this from a place where i was voluntarily mono for a very long time. being able to explore poly in a cafe and supportive environment has been one of the healthiest and most liberating things in my life.
my previous poly experience was my ex wife cuckolding me 'because it'd make her happy and keep us together...and you want to be with me, right?'
...
but like that's why this is new, and fresh, and i feel...free. and safe. finally.
for me the biggest challenge has been learning that i don't have to be there 24/7/365...being told 'not at the expense of your health' was eyeopening, and honestly felt like one of the most powerful declarations of love i ever got.
because i've always had to be The One.
i have massive abandonment issues...and massive fear that, well...absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. it's all lovely detritus from all my abuse.
and being a very much service based submissive...

the caretaking is something that actually helps me in a poly situation.

because i love being a caregiver for people i love.
all that said...

i have tried...i mean...i really wanted to be non hierarchical. and...like...nature is what it is, and someone cough cough is, you know...kinda primary-ing. for me. but i'm guessing she's figured that out by now
and fuck i love how possessive She is.

and i never thought i'd ever say that in a healthy way
and for me in a domme/sub relationship, i want and need certain things. and...i know where i can get that, and with whom. so i keep that for the chosen.
it's a massive seachange going from a voluntarily mono world...even knowing i'm poly, but being mono willingly...

and D/s and s/m playing into it would make it feel more complicated, you would think...but ultimately it doesn't.
at least i think it doesn't.

and it's probably why i shifted away from a non-hierarchical preconception to one where there'd be by default a primary. because as much as i love and trust all my partners...
...there's an entirely different and deeper level of trust for my Domme.

and there's no way around that.
now...having said all of that...

and this is what inspired be to rip all that apart and rework it for here...
a very dear friend of mine posted tonight about how she feels for her Dom...and we've had so many chats in messages about how to manage and cope with the intensity of emotion that i feel...
because, it turns out, she feels so very much the same for her Dom as i feel for Miss.

and i think the core of it is this...

her Dom is always with her...if not in presence, then in mind and spirit. like me, T/they have distance involved.
and i am learning through her how to open up and feel those same things...to avail myself of the fact that Miss is with me even when we are not directly talking.

that each action i perform i perform for Her.

that each goal is one step closer to Her.
that each act of radical self care is an act of love for Her.

and i am my own person. i am independent, i am strong in my own way, i am intelligent and mindful and willful.

and that does not contradict being Hers wholly.

and it makes me love Her all the more.
wholly and completely.

always and forever.
i am learning to be a better sub for Miss.

just as She wishes to learn to be a better Domme for me and her other subs.

and that's what love is.

a constant desire to be better for each other.
and those are my sunday night feels, inspired by discussion and a single post from my sister.

sweetest dreams.

love, and love well, and be loved well in return.
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