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ft. Will Weldon @oldmanweldon
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For every fav this gets, a will tweet an insane pop culture theory/hot take
The heist in Ocean's Eleven fails; everyone in the vault is killed by security, and Danny Ocean is beaten into a coma. The remaining movies are all taking place in his mind as he remains in a coma. Ocean's 8 takes place after the plug is pulled.
UCB actually pays its preformers, but has them all sign an NDA promising not to tell anyone, so the theater can continue to court controversy
JK Rowling is a secret Mormon. The Harry Potter books are allegorically about Brigham Young.
After Charlie Kaufman does some script doctoring b of the Infinity War script, Thanos will be revealed as the literal author of the Marvel movies. The infinity gauntlet is his ability to rewrite the movie's scripts. He is finally killed by Stan Lee.
Ricky Gervais was kidnapped not long after Extras and replaced with a Reddit moderator. Stephen Merchant found out, but in return for not saying anything he keeps the secret
Tupac was a deep cover FBI agent
The last episode of the Sopranos cuts to black for its final ten seconds to signify Tony Soprano finally getting an erection again
Ayn Rand was a good writer with a good moral code
On Friends, Monica & Rachel could afford their apartment because they were manufacturing and selling meth. It is what kills their downstairs neighbor, and they clean his place out themselves to destroy the evidence
The character of Freddie Kreuger is a metaphor for beastiality
Everyone in Gotham knows that Bruce Wayne is Batman; he's so rich that he pays the entire city to keep up his fantasy about being a super hero
The Final Fantasy games share a universe with Black Mirror
The entirety of Mad Men takes place in Don Draper's imagination while he's taking the train home from the war. The falsehood of being able to "Buy the world a coke" represents Dick Whitman's delusion that he can just become someone else.
The stars of Comedy Central's "Corporate" are NOT highly fuckable
All of their rapping was only done by one of the Beadtie Boys. Mike D was a ventriloquist, and thus able to "throw his voice" into the mouths of the other two without moving his own lips
The Trinity killer on Dexter was Rita; Dexter's inability to accept that his secret Life drove her into becoming a serial killer also meant here was underling to accept who the real Trinity was
As magic is not actually such a strange concept, the "Strange" in "Doctor Strange" refers to Benedict Cumberbatch's American accent
After Annette Benning ran over an an old crone Oscar voter late at night, she was cursed to be nominated many times without ever actually winning.
Judas was originally the hero of the New Testament, but Church elders didn't think he could carry an entire holy book, so they gave a lot of his lines to Jesus
Every Goosebumps book was at least partly true, as they were each RL Stein's way of a confessing to one of his many murders
The childhood rumor that if you ask an undercover cop if they're a cop then they have to tell you was started by an episode of Sesame Street
The Good Place is actually God's way of trying to ease me into the idea that I myself have been dead for a couple of years. This is why my girlfriend won't stop bothering me to watch it.
Brandon Wardell is 40
Taylor Swift didn't get involved in the 2016 presidential election because she had been a Jim Webb supporter.
Jim Henson was a Soviet spy during the cold war and was killed for trying to defect to the US. Soviet state secrets were hidden in episodes of the Muppets leading up to his death
Woodstock wasn't real, it is all just a viral marketing campaign for the movie akin to the one for The Blair Witch Project
Big Sean is actually just two regular Seans in a trench coat
Katherine Hepburn talked like that because she was mauled by a bear when she was a kid
Polly Platt was not the reason for Peter Bogdanovich's early success in Hollywood
The original Teen Wolf is a metaphor for autism; he has problems relating to the people around him, but excels at one particular activity. Very sloppy, but it was the 80's
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is real. Those men are actually trapped in space.
30 stunt men died on the set of Mad Max Fury Road. The Australian government agreed to cover it up because they appreciated the production's money
JJ Abrams is not a real person, it's a computer program that creates scripts by taking elements from many pre-existing entertainment properties. The JJ Abrams we know is an actor paid to live his life as if he is JJ.
Shigeru Miyamoto was a secret fascist; the original Super Mario is about Mussolini seizing power in Italy. Legend of Zelda is about Hitler's obsession with getting his hands on mythical artifacts.
George R. R. Martin has been dead for years, his public appearances are done by off season mall Santas
New Zealand isn't real, it's exclusively a product of marketing for Lord of the Rings
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are from Connecticut, but they realized they needed a "thing" to get attention so they started telling people they were from Boston
LeBron James has gone this long and played this many games without any serious physical decline because he has a twin, and they alternate games played
George Clooney has never had sex
Robert Downey Jr's butt is fake
Judy Blume is the pen name of an all-female separatist group that is opposed to religion
Christopher Eccleston is a Christian Scientist and left after one season of Doctor Who because he's uncomfortable with modern medicine for religious reasons
Aaaah! Real Monsters was about the struggles of immigrants in a new culture
Space Jam was only made to launder mob money, which Michael Jordan had to do to settle his gambling debts
Lorne Michaels suffered brain damage during his first season back on SNL, giving him the Memento disease. It's why SNL is perpetually doing the same things
"Coke invented the modern image of Santa Claus" was an idea created by Pepsi to make Coke seem boring and for kids, while Pepsi was the edgy, hip soda
Hayden Christensen was great casting as Anakin Skywalker, because Luke was a little whiner, so it makes sense that his dad would also be a little whiner
Jeff Foxworthy graduated with a business degree from Oxford, his entire act is a carefully created put on
Dave Grohl killed Kurt Cobain and left just enough evidence to make it seem like Courtney Love did it
Chopped is stupid
The best Disney movie is The Aristocats
Kanye West's failed acting career is one of the modern entertainment industry's greatest what-ifs
Jared Leto has never flushed a toilet
Eli Roth's movies are all meta-commentaries about how the low brow tastes of audiences always end up triumphing over the higher minded aims of filmmakers
50 Shades of Grey was intentionally a poorly written Twilight spin-off so as to be a commentary on how audiences don't want anything new or challenging. The sequels are cash grabs.
Bambi's mom's death is a condemnation of being a single mother
Logan Paul is 40
There isn't enough media that is about or takes place in the city of Boston
The green m&m isn't hot
Macklemore? More like MackleEVENmore
Seasons 15 - 22 of the Simpsons are the best seasons because they no longer feel shackled to any sense if reality or restraint or continuity. The most free show on television
Shows like Chef's Table ruin food because food is about the mystery of cooking. Knowing how food is made is like knowing how a magic trick is done.
The last season of Arrested Development is an incredibly right wing TV show because the season's low quality sends the message that people are only good when they are all together in their traditional family units
YouTube is the purest form of entertainment because it is straight from the performer to the audience without any outside factors demanding changes
Rapping in country music is good because it fuses two genres of music that are typically made and enjoyed by the lower classes
Chester Cheetah is one of the most important symbols for animal conservation ever
Patrick Stewart & Ian McKellen aren't friends anymore but they pretend like they still are because its good for their brands
Aragorn secretly convinced Baromir it would be a good idea to get the ring from Frodo so that Baromir would be disgraced and Aragorn's leadership would be absolute
Optimus Prime and Megatron are former lovers, but Optimus refused to come out, leading to their eventual breakup. The Autobots are deeply homophobic.
SNL has never had a bald cast member because Lorne Michaels makes anyone starting to lose their hair wear a wig
Adam Sandler only keeps making his own comedies because he collectively owes tens of millions of dollars to a bunch of different bookies
Michael J Fox's refusal to make out with his mother in Back to the Future is a commentary on the 80's "me first" culture, with him turning his back on familial intimacy just because it makes him slightly uncomfortable
Brad Renfro was killed by the CIA
Arnold Schwarzenegger was a puppet Governor; his policies were actually dictated by studio heads who care about things like gay rights and environmentalism, but would love to crush all poor people under their boot heels.
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson hate each other so much that they never actually appeared on set together; they each shot their scenes separately, which were then digitally put together.
John Landis intentionally killed that guy on the set of The Twilight Zone because he had blackmail material on Landis. The other three people were collateral damage
Tom Cruise is not Suri Cruise's father. She was conceived without a father by midichlorians
No offers better political guidance than celebrities. Longtime activists should look to them for guidance.
What the fuck man
Battlestar was originally supposed to end with the humans making themselves cybernetic so that they could continue to survive in space, but they'd accidentally get sent back in time, thus becoming the Cylons
The box office failure of the female Ghostbusters reboot led to the cancellation of an all black Ghostbusters movie
The dawn of the internet's sexual obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog was created by marketing people employed by Sega to enhance brand awareness, but it spun out of their control
Limp Bizkit was originally a parody band but when young people liked their music in earnest they just ran with it
John Hughes movies are beloved by white supremacists due to the movies pushing the idea that white suburbia is the best of all cultures
The Hobbit was made into three movies because Peter Jackson bet Fran Walsh that the studio would let him
Man of the Woods is ahead of its time, and in ten years we will look back at it as the beginning of the golden age of country/dance music fusion
LOST was originally going to reveal that all of the characters were actually the many different personalities in the mind (represented by the island) of a schizophrenic real world Jack, but the writers had to change that when they heard about the movie Identity
The Philadelphia accent isn't real, it is a joke that the whole city is in on perpetuating to the rest of the country
There is a secret quota written into tax credits for film production that requires the vast majority of a movie's cast be traditionally attractive, to make the film location city seem more appealing to outsiders
The Care Bears were created by far right writers & animators to make empathy and caring seem treacly and lame
Gambit was created by Chris Claremont to make all of the boys in his teen daughter's school seem inadequate, thus stalling her getting a boyfriend for another few years
Beyonce drives a Camry
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