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Thread by @ChuckWendig: "So I have... *looks around* *looks under keyboard* *under desk* *outside the window* No deadlines. Like, okay, I have ONE, but it's at the o […]" #mothsight #TurtleStyle #pooptrees #treebuttholes

, 37 tweets, 10 min read
So I have...

*looks around*

*looks under keyboard*

*under desk*

*outside the window*

No deadlines.
Like, okay, I have ONE, but it's at the other side of this year, and...

I, um, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to do something? Is this free time? Is that a thing? Do people have that?

*stares into coffee mug*

*whistles*

*picks up a Sharpie marker and tries to eat it*
Yesterday I finished a SHORT SECRET COMICS PROJECT, and last week I turned in the latest draft of WANDERERS, and I'm waiting on edits for the last Miriam Black book, VULTURES, and... ummm.

*walks around in circles, mumbling*
What do I do? Can I just... leave? Can I leave the writer's shed? Can I go to a movie? Can I wander into the woods? Can I become a man of leisure, or a lumberjack, or a SPACE FORCE PILOT. Are the possibilities truly endless?
Maybe I'll just write something new!

*one hand slaps the other hand*

No! We are not doing this! COOL DOWN, ZIPPY. Learn to relax. Breathe in, breathe out.

*breathes in*

*breathes out*

*licks desk to see what it tastes like*
(report: the desk tastes like coffee)
I guess I should probably clean up the writer's shed? It does look like a bomb went off in here. A book bomb. And a paper bomb. And also a lot of dead bodies wait what ha ha ha no this isn't also my MURDER SHED, your FACE is a murder shed

shut up
report: in cleaning the office I have found a small tribe of jumping spiders in the eaves of the writing shed and now I think I'm their leader
report: the spiders and I have realized that Easter is coming up soon (falling on April Fool's Day) so as a lighthearted prank we have decided to replace all colorful Easter eggs with spider eggs

my lack of deadlines is going pretty well, folks

pretty

well
*drinks coffee*

*checks email*

*cleans up desk, by which I mean, relocates a single book of the hundreds of books*

*waits*

*checks email*

*drinks coffee*
report: am now out of coffee

it is only 8:50AM

*quietly vibrates*
shit, what do I do now

do I go back to school

do I learn carpentry

do I hunt and slay demons

do I transfer my body from this corporeal plane and become a being of unmitigated light, marginless and eternal

*jingles keys in front of face*

*bats at them*
update: I put a dead moth on my face

I can now see for miles

I see the stains on human souls

I have mothsight #mothsight
GREAT NEWS

I can now talk to plants

okay, just succulents but soon I’ll have enough XP to upgrade to like, creeping vines

the moth has given me this gift, and @DelilahSDawson gave me the plant so everything is Coming Up Wendig
question: it’s cool to eat this right
in a surprising turn of events I am now in the woods

I’m sure this is fine

now what
report: this moss told me to head north

it’s name is Keith

it is now my good friend
update: I may have found a Tree Graveyard

the ghosts of trees are whispering to me, giving me some great new recipes and self-actualization mantras and also ways to destroy humanity to remove mankind’s merciless shackles from the Tree Mother
I found this

it’s cool I’m not gonna EAT IT

jeez relax
update: oh no
ICYMI: found this fancy washtub

pretty full from eating those bones and talking to those oakwraiths so gonna just curl up and take a little nappy nap
heads up: I live in the washtub now
okay funny story, did not know this, please update your records, but you can’t actually live IN a washtub

got no bathroom or kitchen or lovemaking gyroscope

as such I have chosen to travel around with the washtub on my back #TurtleStyle
update to the update: the washtub was uncomfy so I ditched it

TURNS OUT, washtubs have feelings and now the tub is suuuuupermad and is hunting me in the woods

imma hide here for a while in this grass

(the grass is named Fiona FYI)
found the ghost of a pumpkin
found the ghost of an old volleyball

was gonna name it WILSON to be cheeky but it HAS a name, you guys

its name is VITHRAXIMAX THE ERADICATOR but I’m just gonna call him V-Rad
found a nature toilet
found this weird tree
I know I know I’m not gonna climb it I mean for shit’s sake I know a trap when I see one ha ha ha

oh no
I went up the sacrificial ladder and while up there was met by three Sacred Saplings and they told me a Powerful Truth™️

trees have buttholes

that’s it that’s the truth

blew my GOD DANG MIND

trees poop! #pooptrees #treebuttholes
I’m so proud of all I’ve learned and all of my bravery
got hungry

went down the tree ladder

found some Tree Clams

ate em

*chef kisses fingers* my compliments to Keith the Moss, who told me to go here and FEAST like a FOREST LORD
also found Wood Beer

gave me +1 against pixies

THANK YOU, FOREST
GOOD NEWS

I hallucinated a hatchet
cool cool cool hey so I fuckin was called to this MYSTERIOUS TREE CAVE that I unlocked using my Dream Hatchet™️

the TREE CAVE is promising me DEADLINES

or DEADsomething anyway maybe I misheard whatevs

see you cats and kittens later!

love you all
*a song is sung from deep within the Tree Cave*

🎶buy my books
leave reviews
or you’ll end up
on the news

help authors
or they die
and then their ghosts
will steal your eyes🎶
hey guys I made it out of the Tree Cave

gonna drink some coffee now how are you?
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