Profile picture
Chuck Wendig @ChuckWendig
, 37 tweets, 10 min read Read on Twitter
So I have...

*looks around*

*looks under keyboard*

*under desk*

*outside the window*

No deadlines.
Like, okay, I have ONE, but it's at the other side of this year, and...

I, um, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to do something? Is this free time? Is that a thing? Do people have that?

*stares into coffee mug*

*whistles*

*picks up a Sharpie marker and tries to eat it*
Yesterday I finished a SHORT SECRET COMICS PROJECT, and last week I turned in the latest draft of WANDERERS, and I'm waiting on edits for the last Miriam Black book, VULTURES, and... ummm.

*walks around in circles, mumbling*
What do I do? Can I just... leave? Can I leave the writer's shed? Can I go to a movie? Can I wander into the woods? Can I become a man of leisure, or a lumberjack, or a SPACE FORCE PILOT. Are the possibilities truly endless?
Maybe I'll just write something new!

*one hand slaps the other hand*

No! We are not doing this! COOL DOWN, ZIPPY. Learn to relax. Breathe in, breathe out.

*breathes in*

*breathes out*

*licks desk to see what it tastes like*
(report: the desk tastes like coffee)
I guess I should probably clean up the writer's shed? It does look like a bomb went off in here. A book bomb. And a paper bomb. And also a lot of dead bodies wait what ha ha ha no this isn't also my MURDER SHED, your FACE is a murder shed

shut up
report: in cleaning the office I have found a small tribe of jumping spiders in the eaves of the writing shed and now I think I'm their leader
report: the spiders and I have realized that Easter is coming up soon (falling on April Fool's Day) so as a lighthearted prank we have decided to replace all colorful Easter eggs with spider eggs

my lack of deadlines is going pretty well, folks

pretty

well
*drinks coffee*

*checks email*

*cleans up desk, by which I mean, relocates a single book of the hundreds of books*

*waits*

*checks email*

*drinks coffee*
report: am now out of coffee

it is only 8:50AM

*quietly vibrates*
shit, what do I do now

do I go back to school

do I learn carpentry

do I hunt and slay demons

do I transfer my body from this corporeal plane and become a being of unmitigated light, marginless and eternal

*jingles keys in front of face*

*bats at them*
update: I put a dead moth on my face

I can now see for miles

I see the stains on human souls

I have mothsight #mothsight
GREAT NEWS

I can now talk to plants

okay, just succulents but soon I’ll have enough XP to upgrade to like, creeping vines

the moth has given me this gift, and @DelilahSDawson gave me the plant so everything is Coming Up Wendig
question: it’s cool to eat this right
in a surprising turn of events I am now in the woods

I’m sure this is fine

now what
report: this moss told me to head north

it’s name is Keith

it is now my good friend
update: I may have found a Tree Graveyard

the ghosts of trees are whispering to me, giving me some great new recipes and self-actualization mantras and also ways to destroy humanity to remove mankind’s merciless shackles from the Tree Mother
I found this

it’s cool I’m not gonna EAT IT

jeez relax
update: oh no
ICYMI: found this fancy washtub

pretty full from eating those bones and talking to those oakwraiths so gonna just curl up and take a little nappy nap
heads up: I live in the washtub now
okay funny story, did not know this, please update your records, but you can’t actually live IN a washtub

got no bathroom or kitchen or lovemaking gyroscope

as such I have chosen to travel around with the washtub on my back #TurtleStyle
update to the update: the washtub was uncomfy so I ditched it

TURNS OUT, washtubs have feelings and now the tub is suuuuupermad and is hunting me in the woods

imma hide here for a while in this grass

(the grass is named Fiona FYI)
found the ghost of a pumpkin
found the ghost of an old volleyball

was gonna name it WILSON to be cheeky but it HAS a name, you guys

its name is VITHRAXIMAX THE ERADICATOR but I’m just gonna call him V-Rad
found a nature toilet
found this weird tree
I know I know I’m not gonna climb it I mean for shit’s sake I know a trap when I see one ha ha ha

oh no
I went up the sacrificial ladder and while up there was met by three Sacred Saplings and they told me a Powerful Truth™️

trees have buttholes

that’s it that’s the truth

blew my GOD DANG MIND

trees poop! #pooptrees #treebuttholes
I’m so proud of all I’ve learned and all of my bravery
got hungry

went down the tree ladder

found some Tree Clams

ate em

*chef kisses fingers* my compliments to Keith the Moss, who told me to go here and FEAST like a FOREST LORD
also found Wood Beer

gave me +1 against pixies

THANK YOU, FOREST
GOOD NEWS

I hallucinated a hatchet
cool cool cool hey so I fuckin was called to this MYSTERIOUS TREE CAVE that I unlocked using my Dream Hatchet™️

the TREE CAVE is promising me DEADLINES

or DEADsomething anyway maybe I misheard whatevs

see you cats and kittens later!

love you all
*a song is sung from deep within the Tree Cave*

🎶buy my books
leave reviews
or you’ll end up
on the news

help authors
or they die
and then their ghosts
will steal your eyes🎶
hey guys I made it out of the Tree Cave

gonna drink some coffee now how are you?
Missing some Tweet in this thread?
You can try to force a refresh.

Like this thread? Get email updates or save it to PDF!

Subscribe to Chuck Wendig
Profile picture

Get real-time email alerts when new unrolls are available from this author!

This content may be removed anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert is as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member and get exclusive features!

Premium member ($30.00/year)

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member and get exclusive features!

Premium member ($30.00/year)

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!