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Eric Haywood @EricHaywood
, 55 tweets, 23 min read Read on Twitter
Sooooo I guess I’m about to live-tweet #JusticeLeague because why not
There will be spoilers. I’m gonna assume if you haven’t seen #JusticeLeague by now, either you don’t care or you’ve already muted the hashtag.
This will be my first time watching #JusticeLeague. I skipped it in theaters. Haven’t read a single review. I’m going in cold.
Oh, right. Superman “died” in the last film. #JusticeLeague
I forgot that Jeremy Irons was Alfred. #JusticeLeague
Everybody’s mopey because Superman is dead. But Henry Cavill is second-billed. So we’re off to a great start. #JusticeLeague
THERE IS A “DISAPPEARING HEROES” NEWSPAPER HEADLINE WITH DAVID BOWIE, PRINCE…AND SUPERMAN.

I REPEAT: DAVID BOWIE AND PRINCE EXIST IN THIS MOVIE’S TIMELINE. #JusticeLeague
Fuck it I’m on board now. I’m taking the leap with this movie. #JusticeLeague
Okay, the real star of the movie just showed up. Hi, Wonder Woman. #JusticeLeague
I…already have questions. But I’m gonna wait. #JusticeLeague
Khal Drogo! #JusticeLeague
Okay, wait. Arthur Curry is living among these people in this small town…and they *know* he’s Aquaman? Do they know about Atlantis or nah? I’m confused. #JusticeLeague
Alright, Joe Morton is here. Everything’s better with a little Joe Morton. #JusticeLeague
Joe is SELLING this performance. You go, boy. #JusticeLeague
Okay now we got Amazons fighting giant CGI mosquitos. Cool cool. #JusticeLeague
So...Steppenwolf took the Motherbox from the Amazons, so they had to light the Olympic flame to warn Diana. I think I’m following this. #JusticeLeague
Diana’s giving Bruce the backstory on Steppenwolf and the Mother Boxes by basically summarizing the Infinity War trailer. This is cool. #JusticeLeague
Okay #JusticeLeague I see you trying to slip a Green Lantern in there like we don’t remember that whole Ryan Reynolds thing. You ain’t slick!
“We hid one Mother Box with the Amazons. The second one went to Atlantis. And the third one, well, we just let some dudes bury it in the woods.” #JusticeLeague
Nobody seems particularly pressed for time given the threat that’s supposedly coming. #JusticeLeague
Bruce drives a Mercedes. Diana drives a Mercedes. #coincidence #productplacement #JusticeLeague
These damn #JusticeLeague Mother Boxes are REALLY poorly hidden and barely under any protection at all. Steppenwolf keeps walking right up to them like:
Steppenwolf took one of the Mother Boxes to…Chernobyl? What is happening? #JusticeLeague
J. Jonah Jameson! I mean, uh...Commissioner Gordon. My bad. #JusticeLeague
Ezra Miller is the only actor having any fun. He’s like, “Fuck it, I’mma get these laughs in I don’t care how dark the lighting is.” #JusticeLeague
Flash’s costume is soooo non-aerodynamic tho. Every time they show it, all I see is wind resistance. #JusticeLeague
Cyborg has been sitting on the third Infinity Mother Box Stone? The one that was buried in the woods? #JusticeLeague
#JusticeLeague

Cyborg: Something something something this Infinity Mother Box Stone ended up at S.T.A.R. Labs, so that’s how I got it.

Me:
Flash and Cyborg are in a cemetery, digging up Clark Kent’s corpse in order to bring Superman back from the dead. Like, for real. This is the big plan. #JusticeLeague
THEY LITERALLY EXHUMED CLARK’S DEAD BODY UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS. FOR A PLAN THAT THEY HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE WILL WORK. #JusticeLeague
This is wild disrespectful. Who the fuck’s gonna tell Martha? And Lois? “See, what had happened was…” #JusticeLeague
Hold on, I gotta rewind a little bit. Because I HAD to have missed something. #JusticeLeague
Okay, Bruce thinks they can bring Superman back to life because his cells are “incapable of decay.” But that can’t be true because Superman…ages. #JusticeLeague
Whatever. There’s no point in harping on the science. This is a world where both Green Lantern and David Bowie exist. I gotta let it go. #JusticeLeague
#JusticeLeague

Diana: At some point you have to move on.

Bruce: Did Steve Trevor tell you that?

Diana:
I’m caught back up now. They’re really talking about bringing Superman back from the dead like this is something that happens all the time. #JusticeLeague
The #JusticeLeague team has now snuck into the least-secure military installation on earth.
#JusticeLeague

Diana: HE’S BACK!

Me: He’s #2 on the call sheet of course he’s back
Now the good guys all have to fight each other because that worked so well in the first Avengers movie. #JusticeLeague
Bruce Wayne is monster. He brought in Lois Lane, an innocent powerless civilian, in hopes that she’d tame an out-of-control Superman. What if he’d snapped her neck? #JusticeLeague
How is Lois not freaking the fuck out that her man is suddenly back from the dead? Why ain’t she got questions? #JusticeLeague
#JusticeLeague

Superman: *literally back from the dead*

Lois: You smell good.

Me:
Okay, NOW I’m mad. Last time we saw Martha, she was in Metropolis. How’d she drive her little Sanford & Son truck all the way back to Kansas that damn fast? #JusticeLeague
Okay, at least Martha had an appropriate freak-out when she saw Clark. Tears and everything. So there’s *some* logic at work here. #JusticeLeague
Steppenwolf has been offscreen for a looooong time. I literally forgot about him. #JusticeLeague
Wait. The five of them are now gonna fight Steppenwolf without Superman? BUT BRUCE'S WHOLE FUCKING ARGUMENT WAS “WE CAN’T POSSIBLY DO THIS WITHOUT SUPERMAN.” #JusticeLeague
Clark Kent is treating Lois to dinner at the Smallville Cheesecake Factory while this massive CGI battle takes place without him. They literally brought him back to life for nothing. #JusticeLeague
This was all just some #JusticeLeague plot shenanigans to allow Superman to make a big entrance during the fight like:
They beat the bad guy. CGI flowers are blooming. I guess this is almost over. #JusticeLeague
That’s it! #JusticeLeague is over!
This concludes my #JusticeLeague live-tweet. I now return you to your regularly-scheduled timelines.
Dammit I knew there’d be a post-credits #JusticeLeague scene
Okay I’m done for real now. #JusticeLeague
I know I said I was done, but it’s a whole day later and I’m still thinking about this moment in #JusticeLeague
If Prince existed within the reality of #JusticeLeague then "Purple Rain" exists within that same reality.

It would have to be the same “Purple Rain” that I saw in a movie theater.

*opens laptop*

“I had to wonder…do *I* exist within Justice League??"
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