Here is a story about George Villiers (later Duke of Buckingham, famous for being James I boyfriend) and Charles (later Charles I, famous for being beheaded) going on a Super Secret Mission To Spain.
This story is not an April Fool, Though it could be.
And about three other people (George, James I, and one Spanish ambassador James I had a crush on) thought this was politically a good idea.
Though, let’s be clear, not as much of a fox as George Villiers. Who was, at this stage in his career, probably the most bonkable man in Europe.
Because they are both so ludicrously privileged, it hasn’t occurred to either of them to bring … change.
So they attempt to pay the ferryman with a gold piece.
First thing they see on the main road from London to Dover? The French Ambassador coming the other way.
So they do the only thing they can. They hide in a hedge until he’s gone. And then proceed to Dover cross-country.
(PS the Lord Admiral is horribly ill the whole journey.)
“What?” say George & Charles. “No. That would be stupid. Why would George Villiers & Charles, Prince of Wales be travelling alone in France in the middle of winter?”
Where they find a messenger from England waiting for them.
He also reminds Baby Charles to write a nice thank you letter to the French King after leaving his country.
So they approach the Lord Chamberlain for permission to attend, claiming to be minor English gentry.
Her life is actually pretty miserable because Louis XIII has, cough, other interests & her mother-in-law is a fucking Medici.
Not that George & Charles care: they’re on their way through Gascony.
“No, no, these aren’t aristocratic Englishmen. They’re just commoners in fancy gear. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.”
I mean, they are cold and hungry for a bit.
The goat is not up for being eaten so runs around a haystack for a bit while George (FOXIEST MAN IN EUROPE) chases it.
What the goatherd thought of this farce has been tragically lost to posterity.
History man, written by the goat-chasers, not the goat-herders.
& make it to Bayonne, where they are nearly arrested AGAIN.
Because Bayonne is a strategic port type place & they are clearly no less dodgy as fuck than they were at the point they were trying to pay a ferryman with a gold piece.
Where they run into the steward of the British Ambassador to Spain carrying letters to London.
Of course, they open them – decide everything is TOTALLY COOL & then persuade the steward to take them back to Spain.
Who, bonus fact, he tends to call “dear dad.”
YEP. GET YOUR HISTORICAL DADDY KINK RIGHT HERE.
“I remember,” says Charles, “one of the ambassadors had an utter minger of a son who was nonetheless married to a total fox.”
& thus in much the same fashion as they left London, our lovable goat-chasing, queen-bonking, arrest-avoiding dudebros, George & Charles, finally make it to Madrid.
Dude Where's My Infanta
Some Like It Spanish
Or, my personal favourite,
Tom & John’s Excellent Adventure.
(Tom & John being the pseudonyms George & Charles cunningly adopted during their Super Secret Mission to Spain.)