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Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg @TheRaDR
, 16 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
If someone calls you out, they're giving you the opportunity to do better, and to become better.

That is a gift. Receive it as such.
To clarify! I don't think calling out in the harsh way is the maximally productive way to give feedback. But I think that if it happens to you, discounting the info bc you don't like the style helps nobody. There's still useful info there.

A note on GIVING feedback:
First of all, letting people go on harmful behavior is not praiseworthy.
Midrash Genesis Rabbah 54:1
Rabbi Yosi ben Chanina said, “A love without reproof is no love.” Resh Lakish
said, “Reproof leads to peace; a peace where there has been no reproof is no
peace.”
Maimonides (Hilchot Deot, 6:7) "One who rebukes another... should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly."

It's best done not publicly, in the context of an ongoing relationship, with some tenderness sharing something that's hard to hear.
That said, there are sometimes also dynamics of power and privilege in play, and asking the one harmed or oppressed to invest tremendous energy in focusing on the feelings of the one doing harmed is... sometimes a lot to ask.
I think sometimes in the Jewish world we talk too much abt how it's supposed to be done this gentle way & forget the pain and emotional labor of one already going out of their way to point something out. So while I agree with Maimonides, we also need to name the limits there.
Jews! Do not use Maimonides as a cudgel if someone is speaking from a place of pain or, yes, anger. And do not discount what someone is telling you even if you do not have an ongoing relationship. AND I believe that when harm is done in public it also should be named in public.
That way others watching see that behavior/speech isn't condoned, and those feeling hurt* by that behavior know that someone has their back and they're not alone, it's not just them seeing this as harmful, etc.

*Or also hurt, if the person naming the harm is also impacted
SO. If you're in a position to give feedback, highest priority in most cases is to do it privately, with the presumption that the other person had good intentions--give benefit of the doubt but name impact. Information about how someone should do better should not be a weapon.
The name of the game is not to shame people, but to give them information they need so that they can a) make amends for harm done and b) do better next time.

Yelling at people might sometimes feel satisfying if you're hurt, but ultimately our goal is to have more people doing better to make a world that is better. And being self-righteous and making other people feel like crap doesn't do that as well as helping them grow does.
It's really complicated, though, I want to name that. Speaking to someone--esp privately--opens vulnerability because you're engaging with them as Thou. So that's a lot of why it's the optimal way.
But especially given dynamics of power/privilege/emotional labor, it's also why it's especially important, if we're talking about social oppression, that allies step up.
White people? Rebuke your fellow white people, don't make POC do all the work. Same straight folks/homophobia, men/sexism, able-bodied folks/ableism, cis folks/transphobia etc etc. Do the hard work of the 1:1 and don't make people already vulnerable have to go to that.
And DO NOT play this game of, "I will only listen to this feedback if it's presented in a way that is maximally comfortable for me." The information is a gift no matter the package.

And sometimes it'll be hard to hear no matter the package.
If you've been doing harm and someone is trying to tell you that, maybe don't center your own feelings for a minute? Maybe even if the info is given from a place of pain or anger or in a "hostile" way, maybe try to hear it anyway?

Again, it's a gift: A chance to do better.
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