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Christopher Stroop @C_Stroop
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1. Gather round, people of Twitter! It's time for How the #MartyredMajority Lives!

Returning to the last episode's theme of #WhiteChristiansBeingPersecuted, today's episode takes us to Hillsdale, Michigan.

(Credit to @NutMeg897 for the amazing hashtag #MartyredMajority!)
2. Now Hillsdale is home to a hardline conservative Christian "liberal arts" school called Hillsdale College. Incidentally, one of my high school friends from youth group went there. And guess who was invited to give this year's commencement address? Why, none other than @VP.
3. You can see Mike Pence's own thread relating his speech here:

In what follows, I am going to analyze (okay, mock) it blow-by-blow using screenshots. But first, a bit about Hillsdale College, where being persecuted is definitely #HowToEvangelical.
4. Hillsdale is one of those Christian "liberal arts" schools, that, like its cousin Wheaton, loves to play up its early history of doing decent things like admitting and graduating women and African-Americans. It's a great way to deflect from their more recent history.
5. Fun Facts:

Did you know that Hillsdale College has refused to take federal funding since the 1980s in order to avoid having to participate in affirmative action programs? It's true!

More recently, Hillsdale President Larry Arnn called minority students "dark ones."
6. Indeed, Hillsdale is the kind of place that even the evangelical-friendly @NYTimes is forced to describe as follows:

"Not surprisingly, the school’s “race blind” admissions policy results in an overwhelmingly white student body."…

7. In short, Hillsdale College is the perfect place for Vice President Mike Pence, or, as I like to call him, #VPDeplorable, to show up and be persecuted with his fellow white evangelicals. If you don't know how you can both be VP and be persecuted, please read on! #EmptyThePews
8. Alright, let's begin to break down Pence's speech itself.

Your education at Hillsdale has taught you to be a #MartyredMajority, and today, you will receive a diploma that has been minted in independence from non-discrimination laws and tempered with #ChristianAltFacts.
9. Even though we white Christians are severely persecuted, at the moment we are also extremely optimistic! I am going to lie and say that that means that America is optimistic and that that world is optimistic about America, because that's the #GoodChristian™ thing to do.
10. Faith, you see, is rising in America again, just like the South, and also a part of my anatomy that mother prefers I not mention in mixed company. Or, really, at all. But it's kind of hard not to when we persecuted white Christians are fucking America over (in a no homo way).
11. On the world stage, you've seen America disgraced and discredited by leading international institutions and our traditional allies, but I'm going to call that U.S. leadership and a win, because that's what #WhiteChristiansBeingPersecuted do!

#WhiteChurchQuiet #EmptyThePews
12. We can unilaterally recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel if we want to. Remember, it's very likely that the Antichrist will use the UN to create a one-world government, so their oh-so-persecutory vote against our decision is just demonic influence. Plus they're jelly.
13. There are more job openings across America than any time in the history of this country [citation needed], but those of you not connected enough to work in the Christian-Industrial complex will be in fast food/retail, or maybe your uncle will finagle you something at his firm
14. The Trump admin has "been advancing the very principles that you learned here," which spurs disaffiliation from religion.…

Revelation 21:8 says liars go to hell, but ours is a God of infinite Mulligans for powerful persecuted white men.

15. We live in a time when people are being really mean to the #MartyredMajority by demanding equal rights. This persecution shall not stand! We are both a persecuted minority and a moral majority, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Faith is rising, dagnabbit!
16. Here I will throw in some more baseless #ChristianAltFacts to make us #WhiteChristiansBeingPersecuted feel better. I know, I know, lying is a sin, but see that thing about infinite Mulligans again.

#EmptyThePews #HowToEvangelical #WhiteChurchQuiet #Exvangelical
17. You can tell how fervently I believe this point about (radical white Christian) faith in America by how often I repeat it. I'm not insecure at all. Also, once we consolidate power, we will just force this to be true. Think we wouldn't? #YouDontKnowEvangelicals

18. Yes, yes, a lot of Americans have always believed in God and been Christians. But #SorryNotSorry faith is only the "foundation of freedom" if you mean authoritarian, positive liberty, which deprives others of freedom of and from religion. Which of course you do. #EmptyThePews
19. I encourage you to fight the culture wars on behalf of us #PersecutedWhiteChristians. Go out there and take other people's rights away as the good Lord intended! That's what making America great again means!

#HowToEvangelical #Exvangelical #EmptyThePews #WhiteChurchQuiet
20. Your education in the (white far Right Christian version of) the "liberal arts" has empowered you to destroy the foundations of freedom for anyone but right-wing white Christians in America. I believe you have a calling from God to do this, because I really am that deplorable
21. The most heroic acts and greatest feats aren't the stuff of headlines and fame. You see, you work quietly within the system legally to deprive others of their rights. That's the smoothest and most preferable path to Gilead. Live what you've learned and we'll get there.
22. Congratulations to the Hillsdale College Class of 2018! Please work fast to take back this country for Christ, because if I'm being honest, which I usually prefer not to, a huge plurality of your generation is godless and a vast majority opposed to making America great again.
23. I hope this somewhat flippant little "translation" of #VPDeplorable's commencement speech at Hillsdale has been edifying. If you like my work and have the means to support it, please check out my Patreon!

#Exvangelical #EmptyThePews /end thread
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