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Molly Knight @molly_knight
, 31 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
I thought Pirate was making guttural noises at his food bowl for no reason. TURNS OUT THERE IS A POSSUM IN MY KITCHEN.
My landlord shrugged and gave me a bunch of numbers to call. Nobody is answering. The possum lives there now. I have moved.
You know when your otherwise calm as fuck dog is barking nonstop at a wall the best case scenario is you’re about to be murdered by a ghost.
My landlord’s daughter got on the phone and read me Internet instructions on how to shoo a possum out of the house, knowing my kitchen is 50 feet from the front door.
I thought it might be a rat, but no. it’s sitting in a chair nestled under today’s Los Angeles Times. BIG WHITE FACE STARING UP AT ME.
It has not been my week.
Droppings located next to fridge are that of a possum. Confirmed. Still no possum in sight.😩
Four adult humans could not find the possum. It has either returned to the wilderness via the route it came or it lives with us now. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bar until I die.
In the meantime this guy is on the case:
Still no sign of my possum. I might name him after Walker Buehler tho since he is v good and v scary after dark.
My possum forced me to cancel my appointments today to deal with him. I have been sick and so I rested instead. Maybe my possum is my teacher.
Do you think my possum would prefer the new episode of Handmaid’s Tale or baseball highlights
*Possum update: still no sighting since Tuesday night. @Lana came over and cleared the house with sage. Am emotionally exhausted but all my possessions smell fabulous. Dog ready to move out.
Never mind. It’s in my kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s out!!!!
So, right after I tweeted that there had been no possum sightings since Tuesday, I heard a little nibbling sound coming from behind my fridge..
It sounded like dripping water. Or ripping of little papers. I knew it was him. I put my head against the wall to look and stared him straight in the face.
At this point I just want him out. My main fear is losing him again and then he crawls up my leg while I’m sleeping. So I text my neighbor George.
George is a New Yorker, through and through. He and his wife Cathy (also a New Yorker) live upstairs with their Maltese pup Max (Pirate’s friend) and I’m in love with all three of them.
George is fucking terrified of possums. But his mother in law visiting and she will check into a hotel if she finds out there is a possum in the building. So he is here to deal with the fucking possum.
George and I spent the next thirty minutes chasing the possum from the kitchen to the living room. Flipping over couches and book cases trying to usher him out the front door.
The possum does not want to leave.
Finally, he made a run for the back of the house. I look down the hall and Pirate is standing there. PIRATE FREEZES LIKE HELL NO. The possum sees Pirate and turns left toward the closed bathroom door and now he’s trapped.
George and I are both screaming. I cannot find my broom so I hand George a roll of festive wrapping paper and two Trader Joe’s brown bags.
I race to open the back door and the next thing I know the wrapping paper, the brown bags, and the possum fly out the door.
And let me tell you. That possum TRIED TO GET BACK IN. Like, he enjoys listening to SZA and watching baseball and eating whatever TF is behind my fridge.
So anyway, the young possum is now free to live his best life. He was unharmed in the exodus. I watched him gallop off into the night. George is a hero. My refrigerator is in the middle of my kitchen. Good night.
I miss my possum.
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