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Vengeful_Doe @Vengeful_Doe
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“Un-Dammit, Janet”
Girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl single-handedly defeats faery court on Halloween to save him. While 9 months pregnant.
Pls note Janet has officially joined the ranks of Undersung Faery Tales Heroines in a BIG WAY.
The story begins with the Narrator warning all maidens to stay out of Carterhaugh or Chaster’s Wood or as I like to call it, De-flower Garden, because a fella named Tam-Lin lives there, and he charges one (1) green kirtle or one (1) sextimes as price of admission.
Fair Janet (whose family owns those woods) catches wind of this and comes to three conclusions:
1. She doesn’t take orders from Narrators
2. No one gave Amber Tamblyn or whatever his name is permission to levy a sex tax on her property
So Janet hikes up her green* kirtle and makes a beeline for the no-go zone because Janet has no fear and I love her.
(*My girl knows what’s up. She is a hunter. And it’s You** Season.)
(**If you’re named Tam-Lin.)
Once there, she finds a rosebush and immediately picks a double rose, which, how do you *pick* a rose, between the woody stems & the thorns those things are damn near impossible,
Janet either has a knife or hands of iron, either way I love her so much
No sooner has Janet picked the rose than who appears but Tam-Lin, all “How DARE you pick those flowers ” & J’s all “Excuse YOU, I *own* these flowers, sooooo” & then she reaches out & yanks another one off the rosebush without breaking eye contact (hashtag power move)
TAM: Stop picking flowers.
JAN: Ok. [picks another]
T: You can’t be here without my leave.
J: Funny, you don’t *look* like my dad. [picks rose]
T: Huh?
J: Hi. Janet NameOfWoods. [reaches for a rose, realizes she’s picked them all, breaks off a branch instead because eff this guy]
JANET: See, Tammy, there’re 2 people I don’t take orders from. Narrators & sexy forest vagabonds trying to invoke squatters’ rights. So I will come & go from these woods as I please, toll-free, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
T: …you think I’m sexy?
Tam-Lin takes Janet’s hand & I want to make EXTREMELY CLEAR that in *this* version of the story, all parties involved in the next tweet are informed & consenting adults, & Tam-Lin “dinae ask her leave” because she beat him to the punch and asked his first. Got it?
Ok, next tweet.
Some time later, Janet’s back home and not feeling too great, all pale and green and nauseated in the mornings and a few of her ladies-in-waiting judiciously point out that her “petticoat is getting shorter” which is the most delightful euphemism for pregnancy I’ve ever heard.
Janet’s father, aka “The Best Dad in Any Fairy Tale, Folk Story, or Ballad” which is not a high bar to clear but still, very gently asks her if she is, in fact, pregnant, and Janet’s like, “Am I… Oh. Oh yeah, that would explain a lot, actually.”
JAN: Don’t worry, Dad, it’s no one you know.
DAD: Honey.
J: Come to think of it, it’s no one *I* know.
J: I’m saying ‘it’ because I’m not sure he was human.
J: There’s a non-zero chance I slept with Legolas.
JANET: It's cool, I can handle the gossip, but I should prob let Celeborn know he’s gonna be a dad.
HANDMAID: or not
J: Pardon?
H: I’m just saying, you have options.
J: Hells yeah! ...not following.
Tl;dr they didn’t have Planned Parenthood back then but they DID have pennyroyal.
Off Janet goes to Ye Merrie Greenwood, sees the herbs her maid described, & along comes Tam-Lin.
T: Just putting this out there, it’s your life & your body & your choice -
J: Goddamn right.
T: But if you’d be interested in starting a family with me, I’d like that.
J: …go on.
J: Wait, first, are you an elf or a human? Inquiring minds.
T: I was a lord’s son who fell off my horse during a hunt & the Queen of Elfland grabbed me because even humans are subject to the 5-second rule. I’ve been there so long I’m technically a common-law elf at this point.
T: Elfland is great, but Satan is the landlord, and rent’s due tonight.
J: What’s he charge?
T: One soul.
J: I thought elves didn’t have - oh. Ohhhhhhh.
T: I wouldn’t have figured it out if Puck hadn’t thrown me that ‘Bon Voyage’ party.
J: No one will harm you. Not on my watch.
T: Why, because you loooooove me?
J: No. I just want help with the diapers.
T: You’re blushing, you totally love me.
J Listen, you libidinous vagabond... shut up.
T: You can save me if you can defeat the Queen of Elfland, but it won’t be easy.
J: Oh HELL yeah, I’ll fight her. I’ll fight every elf in court. I will straight-up punt a leprechaun if it gets in my way.
T: You are the perfect woman. Sadly, no fisticuffs required.
J: Damn it.
T: Wait by Miles Cross. You’ll see helmeted riders on black and brown horses. When you see one on a white horse, run to him & pull him off the horse while crying his name which is my name because that’ll be me - maybe you should write this down?
J: Eh, I’ll remember. Probably.
T: Then I’m going to turn into a whole bunch of stuff, possibly including but not limited to:
a string
a beast
an eagle
a toad
a worm
a swan
a lion
a bear
a newt
a eel
a donkey
a wolf
a dove
a deer
a greyhound
a peregrine
a snake
a wild bird
T: No matter what I turn into,. you need to hold on to me.
J: Wrestle a menagerie. No problem.
T: It’ll be rough, but the important thing is that you have faith and show no fear.
J: Sweetie. To whom are you speaking right now, think carefully.
T: Touché.
T: Last they’ll turn me into a burning coal, which you must grasp with both hands.
J: No problem, my palms are calloused from picking those roses in Tweet #6.
T: Then you throw the coal in a well, whereupon I’ll turn back into myself -
J: Nice.
T: But I’ll be naked.
T: Then you have to take off your kirtle and wrap me in it.
J: But then *I’ll* be naked.
T: Yeah, sorry.
J: I get to moon the Faerie Queene. No apologies necessary.
That night -oh, also it’s Samhain, btw- Queen of Elfland & Co. ride past Janet’s hiding spot, & the minute J sees Tam-Lin she knocks him off the horse w/the ol’ flying tackle, & the Queen very regally screeches that her sidepiece-slash-sacrificial lamb is attempting a jailbreak.
Tam-Lin changes into… you know what, pick your three favorite creatures from the list prior, it really makes no difference, because Janet, true to form, hangs on tight no matter what.
Janet & Lizzie from ‘Goblin Market’ should hold a “Rescuing Your Beloved from Elves” seminar
TAM: [becomes a burning coal]
[throws coal into a well, TAM emerges, human but naked, J yanks off kirtle & covers him]
As you can imagine, the Elf Queen is not pleased with this turn of events
J & T: [respectful silence bc sometimes it’s best to be gracious in victory]
QoE: [deep breaths] Okay. Okay. Tam-Lin?
T: Yes?
QoE: I’m breaking up with you.
T: But - [JAN elbow him] I mean oh no, my heart’s broken.
QoE: Janet?
J: Yes?
QoE: I hate you and I hate your ass face.
J: Understandable.
QoE: alsocanwebebffsyouareamazing&iloveyou
J: Huh?
QoE: Huh?
So the Queen and her elves are forced to ride off, possibly to find a nice fresh baby to feed to the devil before dawn breaks.
T: I was helpless, but you did NOT throw away your shot! Best of wives and best of women!
J: Calm down, Tam-Lin-Manuel Miranda. I’m crowning.
So Janet gives birth and they all live happily ever after, except whoever got sacrificed to hell, but we’ll pretend whoever it was deserved it.

The moral of the story is: Listen to your heart, not a Narrator.
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