Girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl single-handedly defeats faery court on Halloween to save him. While 9 months pregnant.
Pls note Janet has officially joined the ranks of Undersung Faery Tales Heroines in a BIG WAY.
1. She doesn’t take orders from Narrators
2. No one gave Amber Tamblyn or whatever his name is permission to levy a sex tax on her property
3. SHE DOESN’T TAKE ORDERS FROM NARRATORS
(*My girl knows what’s up. She is a hunter. And it’s You** Season.)
(**If you’re named Tam-Lin.)
Janet either has a knife or hands of iron, either way I love her so much
JAN: Ok. [picks another]
T: You can’t be here without my leave.
J: Funny, you don’t *look* like my dad. [picks rose]
J: Hi. Janet NameOfWoods. [reaches for a rose, realizes she’s picked them all, breaks off a branch instead because eff this guy]
T: …you think I’m sexy?
J: HUH NO SHUT UP
Ok, next tweet.
J: Come to think of it, it’s no one *I* know.
J: I’m saying ‘it’ because I’m not sure he was human.
J: There’s a non-zero chance I slept with Legolas.
HANDMAID: or not
H: I’m just saying, you have options.
J: Hells yeah! ...not following.
Tl;dr they didn’t have Planned Parenthood back then but they DID have pennyroyal.
T: Just putting this out there, it’s your life & your body & your choice -
J: Goddamn right.
T: But if you’d be interested in starting a family with me, I’d like that.
J: …go on.
T: I was a lord’s son who fell off my horse during a hunt & the Queen of Elfland grabbed me because even humans are subject to the 5-second rule. I’ve been there so long I’m technically a common-law elf at this point.
J: What’s he charge?
T: One soul.
J: I thought elves didn’t have - oh. Ohhhhhhh.
T: I wouldn’t have figured it out if Puck hadn’t thrown me that ‘Bon Voyage’ party.
T: Why, because you loooooove me?
J: No. I just want help with the diapers.
T: You’re blushing, you totally love me.
J Listen, you libidinous vagabond... shut up.
J: Oh HELL yeah, I’ll fight her. I’ll fight every elf in court. I will straight-up punt a leprechaun if it gets in my way.
T: You are the perfect woman. Sadly, no fisticuffs required.
J: Damn it.
J: Eh, I’ll remember. Probably.
a wild bird
J: Wrestle a menagerie. No problem.
T: It’ll be rough, but the important thing is that you have faith and show no fear.
J: Sweetie. To whom are you speaking right now, think carefully.
J: No problem, my palms are calloused from picking those roses in Tweet #6.
T: Then you throw the coal in a well, whereupon I’ll turn back into myself -
T: But I’ll be naked.
J: But then *I’ll* be naked.
T: Yeah, sorry.
J: I get to moon the Faerie Queene. No apologies necessary.
Janet & Lizzie from ‘Goblin Market’ should hold a “Rescuing Your Beloved from Elves” seminar
JAN: HOT POTATO HOT POTATO HOT POTATO
[throws coal into a well, TAM emerges, human but naked, J yanks off kirtle & covers him]
QUEEN: NO MY BEST KNIGHT
As you can imagine, the Elf Queen is not pleased with this turn of events
J & T: [respectful silence bc sometimes it’s best to be gracious in victory]
QoE: I’m breaking up with you.
T: But - [JAN elbow him] I mean oh no, my heart’s broken.
QoE: I hate you and I hate your ass face.
T: I was helpless, but you did NOT throw away your shot! Best of wives and best of women!
J: Calm down, Tam-Lin-Manuel Miranda. I’m crowning.
The moral of the story is: Listen to your heart, not a Narrator.