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1/ Unfolding illusions
"A moment of calm, the evening light casting no shadows, just an illusion all is ok."
Elsewhere I wrote the above. As we walked and talked, the pebbles crunching and shifting under our feet, I lifted off a mask, my fear I'll never run a marathon again,
"A moment of calm, the evening light casting no shadows, just an illusion all is ok."
Elsewhere I wrote the above. As we walked and talked, the pebbles crunching and shifting under our feet, I lifted off a mask, my fear I'll never run a marathon again,
2/ as I currently fatigue easily when I try doing more exercise - an effect not only of not being with my grief for many years and pushing on, but also from the virus, I am pretty sure I have had it.
As well as the sense of my actions not being enough, that all I am doing seems
As well as the sense of my actions not being enough, that all I am doing seems
3/ just a drop in the ocean when there is a government hell bent on only protecting their interests and not supporting a thriving society. It reminded me so much of when we were trying, all I did, all we did, and only heartbreak followed. It was never enough.
1/3 Two weeks ago it was Men Matter Too as part of @ChildlessWeek. For it I was part of a video with @mjhughes67, @skhumbuzodube and @RobinHadley1 talking about our experiences of being childless as men. We talked about how we grieve, cope and legacy.
2/3 We also laughed, which feels so very important as we remember we are no less for being childless.
Watch at worldchildlessweek.net/thurs-17-2020/…
Watch at worldchildlessweek.net/thurs-17-2020/…
1/3 Yesterday @ChildlessWeek came to a beautiful close with pieces on acceptance and moving forward.
As I say in my piece, my acceptance isn't a straight line and that was clear last week as I unsuccessfully tried to balance fatigue, work and self-care,
As I say in my piece, my acceptance isn't a straight line and that was clear last week as I unsuccessfully tried to balance fatigue, work and self-care,
2/3and in the mix was shame which made it so difficult to pause. But I did pause yesterday, which was very helpful and I am looking at this week through a different frame. Acceptance, to me, is a series of steps, and sometimes they go backwards before I can go forward.
Today has been ageing without children @ChildlessWeek
It is a topic I haven't considered much, perhaps as I am 40, perhaps as I don't look into the future a lot or plan for it!
It is a topic I haven't considered much, perhaps as I am 40, perhaps as I don't look into the future a lot or plan for it!
I look forward to reading these, probably over the next few weeks, as already playing catch up with all the wonderful posts and webinars.
View posts at: worldchildlessweek.net/ageing-without…
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #ChildlessByCircumstance #ChildlessCommunity #Childlessness #Ageing
View posts at: worldchildlessweek.net/ageing-without…
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #ChildlessByCircumstance #ChildlessCommunity #Childlessness #Ageing
Today's @ChildlessWeek theme is diversity. It is essential all our childless voices are heard and in all aspects of our lives.
I am looking forward to reading these posts and thanks again to our brave community.
#WorldChildlessWeek #OurStories
I am looking forward to reading these posts and thanks again to our brave community.
#WorldChildlessWeek #OurStories
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #Childlessness #ChildlessByCircumstance #ChildlessCommunity #IVF #infertility #InvisibleGrief #Grief #Diversity #InvoluntaryChildless
Ps. The link is worldchildlessweek.net/diversity-2020
1/3 Running.
This morning was grey, windy and I was still shaking off my vivid dream, where I was upset and angry at people not getting the depth of pain of not being able to have children. But I got out and stayed out,
This morning was grey, windy and I was still shaking off my vivid dream, where I was upset and angry at people not getting the depth of pain of not being able to have children. But I got out and stayed out,
2/3 in part as my wife is doing the couch to 5k, and in part as I didn't want to give up on myself and lose another day to loss. I ended up out for 6 miles. It felt good.
I know I am in a different place with my childless grief as I did something to help with my processing,
I know I am in a different place with my childless grief as I did something to help with my processing,
3/3 rather than running from it. That felt even better than the run.
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #Childlessness #ChildlessCommunity #InvisibleGrief #Grief #Healing #Running #Run #SelfCare
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #Childlessness #ChildlessCommunity #InvisibleGrief #Grief #Healing #Running #Run #SelfCare
1/3 Vulnerability.
I feel I am in a place to speak out, but it still involves opening up to uncertainty. Yesterday I added the @ChildlessWeek frame to my personal facebook profile, as I wanted to show my support and add my voice to making our invisible grief visible.
I feel I am in a place to speak out, but it still involves opening up to uncertainty. Yesterday I added the @ChildlessWeek frame to my personal facebook profile, as I wanted to show my support and add my voice to making our invisible grief visible.
2/3 I received positive responses, but still a fragility resonates inside - something my wife pointed out as making myself vulnerable. I view this vulnerability as part of taking risk, part of growth, part of healing. So here I am, vulnerable and ok.
#ChildlessNotByChoice
#ChildlessNotByChoice
1/ "On his hands and knees he waits. He imagines soft voices and smiles. The slam of a car boot startles him; his eyes burst open, wide, light pours in, his body assesses for signs of an attack. The gate swings open, four small wheels roll along the path; a deafening war cry."
2/ It is @ChildlessWeek in September & I have contributed to it over the past couple of years. By sharing my experiences I have found connection, I have been heard & found a sense of belonging. The process of creating stories & art, has been helpful in my healing & acceptance.
3/ I recommend submitting your experiences, they can be anonymous - the more our voices are heard, the less invisible we become, not only to others, but also ourselves.
The above is an extract from Dancing under rainbows - the agony of not being able to have a child,
The above is an extract from Dancing under rainbows - the agony of not being able to have a child,
1/ Making new memories.
Arnside Knott is a local hill, a place we have walked together, with friends, with family. I place I have run alone, and with friends. It is layered in memories of my, of our, childlessness journey and grief. It is part of the way of the dead.
Arnside Knott is a local hill, a place we have walked together, with friends, with family. I place I have run alone, and with friends. It is layered in memories of my, of our, childlessness journey and grief. It is part of the way of the dead.
2/ It is where we walked one Catmas day. It is where we have mourned. It is where I have exhausted myself running. Running away from my grief, running to process it and running to remember our lost children. Last week we returned and took a different route,
3/ following our curiosity we stumbled upon a deer at the top, and a walled garden on our return. I didn't feel haunted by my past and removed. I felt connected to my wife, to us, and the beautiful nature around us. It is a new step with my acceptance of a childless life.
1/ Beetroot leaves & yellow flowers.
This captures the messiness of our garden. We have good intentions with the planting of veg and bulbs, but then it becomes haphazard. There is not a lot of weeding as we love seeing what flowers appear from 'weeds'!
#LifeAfterChildlessness
This captures the messiness of our garden. We have good intentions with the planting of veg and bulbs, but then it becomes haphazard. There is not a lot of weeding as we love seeing what flowers appear from 'weeds'!
#LifeAfterChildlessness
2/ We have both got closer to nature and that feels part of our healing and plan b. Nature and being outdoors would had played a big part in our children's lives, well we would had least offered them the opportunities.
#ChildlessNotByChoice #InvisibleGrief
#ChildlessNotByChoice #InvisibleGrief
3/ Now we are living a life without children it feels we are very much offering a home to nature by being messy in our garden. Accepting the wildness of our life unexpected.
#PlanB #ChildlessCommunity #Healing #Growth #Gardening
#PlanB #ChildlessCommunity #Healing #Growth #Gardening
1/3 Opening.
During the 'lockdown' in the UK, we rediscovered our local area, not venturing outside our town for nearly 3 months. We are lucky it is a small town and close to fields and a river. This restriction in where to go felt a lot easier to be with ...
During the 'lockdown' in the UK, we rediscovered our local area, not venturing outside our town for nearly 3 months. We are lucky it is a small town and close to fields and a river. This restriction in where to go felt a lot easier to be with ...
2/3 than the self-restriction we often imposed on ourselves when we deep in the childless grief. As we would choose places our of reach, to minimise triggers. Admittedly we choose early or late walks to avoid busy times, so triggers were reduced on the whole, ...
3/3 but still there often felt a stillness, a peace, which I could never find deep in the grief, but so longed for.
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #Childlessness #InvisibleGrief #Grief #Loss #Lockdown #Walking #Healing #LifeAfterChildlessness #ChildlessCommunity
#ChildlessNotByChoice #Childless #Childlessness #InvisibleGrief #Grief #Loss #Lockdown #Walking #Healing #LifeAfterChildlessness #ChildlessCommunity
1/3 As promised, the first in a series of nature photos & any associated thoughts on being childless not by choice
#ChildlessNotByChoice
#Childless
#Childlessness
#ChildlessCommunity
#InvisibleGrief
#Grief
#Loss
#PlanB
#LifeAfterChildlessness
#Gardening
#Nature
#NatureConnection
#ChildlessNotByChoice
#Childless
#Childlessness
#ChildlessCommunity
#InvisibleGrief
#Grief
#Loss
#PlanB
#LifeAfterChildlessness
#Gardening
#Nature
#NatureConnection
2/3 Allium. I planted a load of bulbs last October/November time and we were really surprised when these popped up in the garden as I had forgotten what bulbs I had planted! I just wanted to add colour to our garden for us and pollen for insects.
3/3 I do feel I have developed a deeper relationship with nature due to being childless, as it is a chance to nurture, to care, to help. It also feels healing.
What do you do to help with the loss?
What do you do to help with the loss?
1/4 I am aware I have been away from here for a lot of this year, the ongoing pandemic certainly took me elsewhere. That elsewhere strongly resonated with my childless grief, the isolation, the disconnection, the loss, the high alert.
2/4 During the grief often it was all I could do to just function and get through the days. During the pandemic, on the whole, I have been able to recognise and be with my feelings and do things that helped me.
3/4 Which mostly involved being in nature, paying closer attention to my local area, noticing the wildflowers, the insects, the birds especially their songs. Over the next few weeks I will share some of the photos I have taken and any thoughts and feelings that resonate.
1/3 Today I share my #childlessnotbychoice story at @linsdrabwell childfree blog. I am nowhere near to saying I am childfree, but I am now comfortable with saying I am childless not choice and that being #childless doesn't define me. I am more than what I am not.
'Once or twice we were able to mark in pen, but it wasn’t permenant, like our lost babies, the ink disappeared, but the marks of love are still very much visible.' Read the full post at booandmaddie.com/on-being-child….
1/3 Yesterday I was at Childless @StoryhouseLive a wonderful day of talks & sharing of experiences of being childless not by choice in a family-centric world. Left inspired and with developing connections within the warm, friendly & understanding childless community.
2/3 Thanks to @DawnLlewellyn & @spruceyhaigh for organising & @StoryhouseLive for hosting. Lovely to chat to @gatewaywomen about creating a space for men, certainly will explore further & @RobinHadley1 about his research into men & childlessness, paving the way in academia.
1/6 Grief journeys
Somedays it is beautiful, days full of exploration, of curiosity. The sun is out and it warms my battered heart, offering hope of healing, of a life that will be just as alive as if we had kids.
#childlessnotbychoice #planb #healing #childlesscommunity
Somedays it is beautiful, days full of exploration, of curiosity. The sun is out and it warms my battered heart, offering hope of healing, of a life that will be just as alive as if we had kids.
#childlessnotbychoice #planb #healing #childlesscommunity
2/6 On other-days I plunge into an internal void, where my childless sadness grapple-hooks past tortures. Even so the sun is out, it just burns my skin, as I forget to care for myself. For I repeat past stories that scream I am not worth it.
#childless #invisiblegrief #grief
#childless #invisiblegrief #grief
3/6 More often than not, somedays and other-days are the same-day. As I reflect on my yesterdays I find myself wanting to tell myself new stories. Stories based in now, not conjured from the tricks of the past. In this moment I matter,
#childlessnotbychoice #loss #journey
#childlessnotbychoice #loss #journey
