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#BREAKING After collecting millions of shillings from criminals hoping for amnesty, including his own children, far-white US dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, will issue mass pardons in final act of corruption before fleeing barricaded presidential palace on Defenestration Day.
#BREAKfirst Having outgoing rulers subvert justice through corrupt pardons to friends and family in the days before defenestration is an ancient and treasured American tradition, designed to heal national divisions by safeguarding the democratic principle of elite impunity.
#BREAKING The issuing of pardons also traditionally helps the new regime start on a fresh slate, unburdened by having to prosecute corrupt officials from the former regime, which provides grist for propaganda efforts to portray the US as a compassionate, corruption-free state.
