Thread by @Vulajin

Let's talk about impostor syndrome in social situations.

A huge amount of my time at GDQs is spent just walking around the event rooms, seeing who's there, and spending maybe 5-10 minutes at a time chatting with random people.

I meet a LOT of people this way, but I also don't really spend significant amounts of time with most of them. This is partially by design.

When it comes to friendships, I suffer from impostor syndrome. There's a part of me, deep down, that always worries I'm not actually good enough friends with people for them to want to include me in things, or feel bad if I'm not part of things.

If you spend just a couple minutes with each of a hundred people, you get just enough interaction with them to feel like you "know" them, but not enough to experience that impostor feeling. You keep distance that prevents you from worrying whether they want you around.

When I do have friends I spend a lot of time with, there's always a little bit of nagging in the back of my head, "honestly, would their experience be diminished at all if I were not present?"

Logically - this is not really a valid line of thought. Friendship is not about someone having a bad time if you're not around. It's about someone having an even better time because you're around. But man, subconscious thought sure is resistant to simple and obvious logic.

When @J_Hobz, @sumichu, and @DragonSentinal threw me into the spotlight on the interview at the end of #AGDQ2019, I mostly saw it coming. But what I didn't really see coming was just how many people they got to sign that red card you saw on stream.

Sitting in front of a camera and hearing my GDQ accomplishments read out loud to me didn't really move the needle on my impostor feelings, but reading the dozens of heartfelt messages in that card reduced me to a sobbing mess.

Impostor syndrome can't be fixed as simply as just giving someone a card with messages from their friends. But man, such a card surely helps. A lot. It will always be a hugely treasured reminder of the people whose lives I've touched and whose experiences at GDQ I've made better.

If you have had the chance to have one or several of those fleeting encounters with me at GDQ, please know that I treasured that moment. And I apologize if I sometimes seem aloof, like I don't want to connect at more than a surface level. It's an ingrained defense mechanism.

I also really particularly want to thank the Ori speedrun community for being the most welcoming, friendly, inclusive, amazing group of people I've ever known. It's amazing how much the right people can do to help alleviate a fear of not being needed/wanted/cared about.