Thread by @QuinnyPig

And the #VMworld2019 keynote kicks off, with @PGelsinger giving a polite version of the "We Own You" dance to Carbon Black and Pivotal. Thread:

"My daily routine" as @PGelsinger humblebrags about his wake-up at 4AM. If this is what it takes to run a company of VMware's scale, count me out. Good god. #VMworld2019

Talking about the power of technology to change the world for good. That's great. So... about the whole @VMware stuff that thousands of people are here to hear about? Can we get to that maybe? #VMWorld19

No, we're talking about how he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro last year instead. #VMWorld19

"He's a stud of studs" was just said. We're apparently now into the horsefucking portion of this #VMWorld19 keynote.

I'm apparently nowhere near ripped enough to be a #VMworld customer. I'm already exhausted from fitness entire burrito in my mouth.

Still, it benefits childrens' cancer research. Excellent cause.

Nobody objects to these causes, and under other circumstances I'd laud them for this. It just feels like a lot of filler.

It's also hard for me to do #VMworld snark when they're talking about child cancer mortality. MORE TECH PLEASE

We raised $130K, or "less than the loaded cost of one Bay Area engineer" is less than compelling. #VMworld

Now a customer story in the form of a video. This is the first time that VMware tech has been mentioned, and it's almost incidental to the "saving lives" narrative that the customer is telling. #VMworld

Now talking about how the freemium model means the loss of privacy. #VMworld

HE MENTIONED BITCOIN, but in the context of "90-95# of its use cases are bad, and the ecological impact is horrifying." Holy crap, something I agree with?! #VMworld

Also crapping on Twitter / Google / Facebook privacy practice, which is great--but also not even slightly relevant as VMware doesn't have a public platform unless I'm missing one hell of an announcement... #VMworld

AI, 5G, Blockchain... he's rounding the Buzzword Bases early today! #VMworld

He's either talking about VMware certifications or spouting random letters. I can't tell which. #VMworld

Now drifting into the multi-cloud narrative. We all knew this was coming. #VMworld

I accept that large companies have different workloads on different clouds via acquisition, dev teams doing something new, etc. It's the world we live in, but let's not pretend it's either intentional or a best practice, shall we? #VMworld

Man, @oraclecloud just *cannot* catch a break. #VMworld

Wait, why is VMware listed as a first party cloud provider? #VMworld

"And now here to talk about two words that absolutely do not go together, @jbeda will talk about Kubernetes Strategy." #VMworld

And @jbeda takes a "fun" selfie with @PGelsinger. "HAPPY AND WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!" is how you get the best selfies. #VMworld

And @PGelsinger remains on the stage with @jbeda, presumably to ensure he doesn't go off-script.

"We acquired @bitnami" says @PGelsinger, mispronouncing the name of the company. "Bitten AMI" is how it's done. #VMworld

"We're thrilled to have Pivotal joining VMware!" Wait, didn't they join / leave / join / leave / join? #VMworld

I can't keep its ownership straight anymore.

Now talking about single pane of glass across multiple cloud vendor spend with @cloudhealthtech. Good for them except for the part where I've never found a customer who actually wanted that except at a very macro level. #VMworld

"We have $10 billion in cloud spend under management at CloudHealth!" My customers spend ~$1 billion annually, so maybe I'm biased, but that... doesn't seem that large for a company at CloudHealth's scale? #VMworld

Oh, duh: they charge a percentage. Yeah, my customers would not up with that put. #VMworld

Now introducing @cloudhealthtech Hybrid! I... Okay, I need to see this thing. I can think of a dozen ways to get this wrong, and none to get it right globally. #VMworld

VMworld is offering a multicloud solution that they or their partners will manage for you. Now ripping off the Star Wars scroll for... partner logos? #VMworld

Now smashing together Star Trek and Star Wars. That's a wonderful multicloud analogy: absolutely nobody wants it. #VMworld

"We'll be delivering on our Outpost announcement we made at re:Invent." Wait. They're claiming credit for an @awscloud service now?! #VMworld

"Machine Learning is solving problems we couldn't have imagined a few years ago." Citation needed. #VMworld

Ah, they're talking about VMware on Outposts. The management regrets the error. #VMworld

"20 minutes after talking about how important women are to tech, we still haven't had a single one on stage." #VMworld

Did I mishear that "vRealize" is going to take a swipe at Chef / Terraform / etc? #VMworld

"Telcos will play a bigger role in the cloud universe than ever before!" I didn't realize @PGelsinger was expanding into the "Dark Prophecy" market. #VMworld

@PGelsinger He's just rattling off companies he acquired now. "Signing checks" isn't how innovation works. #VMworld

@PGelsinger Don't miss the collaborative @AWScloud / @vmware conference, vRe:Invent! #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware I'm lost as they rattle off various @VMware terminology and suddenly I get why my family didn't find my #awsdrinks routine funny. #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware "It's time to replace your hardware: NSX." Uh, isn't the end of that sentence supposed to be "Public Cloud?" #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware Combo breaker--there's now, an hour in, a woman on stage! #VMworld

I'd have never guessed that VMware would be late to the party.

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware "I'm surprised there isn't more Oracle content at #VMworld."

"Have you checked the session catalog?"

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware Talking about how they went all-in on AWS, then with a plan to migrate into Azure.

Note how it's a plan, not something they've done? Notice how nobody is telling a story like this that ends happily? #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware "We don't like the term lift-and-shift, we prefer 'Migrate.'"

Calling it something different doesn't make it hurt less. #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware "We see cloud servers failing a lot more and a lot more catastrophically than on-prem servers." Interesting customer perspective. #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware "We think every employee should access work apps via Workspace ONE." I too agree that every employee everywhere should pay me money for a thing. #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware Their video of an offer letter coming after someone signs up for their Workspace ONE app is a bit unrealistic.

The right move is not installing squat until there's a signed offer letter. My god. #VMworld

@PGelsinger @awscloud @VMware And thus ends the #VMworld day one keynote! Go forth and acquire companies!