DM: ‘You come to large wooden door.’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
DM: ‘An orc opens it and asks you to come in.’
Cat: ‘I do nothing.’
DM ‘He asks you to come inside again.’
Cat: ‘I do nothing.’
DM: ‘Eventually the orc tires and closes the door.’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
Dog: ‘I want to scoot ahead.’
DM: ‘You mean ‘scout’’
Dog: ‘No, scoot - something is irritating my anus - maybe I shouldn’t have licked that orc poop.’
DM:....
‘Roll for dexterity.’
DM: ‘You come to a narrow passage.’
Dog: ‘I walk through with my spear held out across me.’
DM:...
DM: ‘Make a Perception roll.’
Dog: (fails)
DM: ‘You can’t get through.’
Dog: ‘Can I try again?’
DM: ‘Sure’.
Dog: (fails) 3rd time lucky?
DM: ‘What’s your intelligence?’
DM ‘You open the chest and find treasure inside.’
Cat: ‘I empty the chest of everything.’
DM: ‘You take out all the treasure.’
Cat: ‘I get in.’
DM: ‘What?’
Cat: ‘I get in the chest and close the lid.’
DM:. ‘Okaaay’.
Cat: ‘-and wait for a sneak attack.’
DM: (sighs)...
DM: ‘The skeleton warrior shatters into pieces and falls at your feet.’
Dog: ‘Search the remains.’
DM: ‘Roll for perception.’
(Fails)
DM: ‘You only find bones.’
Dog: ‘We’ve hit the jackpot, boys.’
DM: ‘What about the rest of the quest?’
Dog: ‘Screw it - got what I came for.’
DM: ‘With a final roar, the Red Dragon goes down - slain by your good luck and steeled determination. What do you do now?’
Cat: ‘I grab it by the neck and take it back to camp.’
DM: ‘What?’
Cat: ‘I grab it-‘
DM: It weighs over 10 tonnes!
Cat: (Rolls against Strength anyway).
DM: ‘There’s a dragon swarm up ahead’.
Dog: ‘I cast ‘Summon Animal Companion’.’
DM: ‘Alright, what animal?’
Dog: ‘A cat.’
DM:...
DM: ‘Okay, a small tabby suddenly appears and awaits your orders.’
Dog: ‘I get out my provisions while watching the cat charge into battle.’
DM: ‘You see a goblin war party sat around a campfire eating supper.’
Dog: ‘I go into camp and stare at whatever they are eating.’
DM:... (rolls for reaction)
DM: ‘Surprisingly, they just stare back at you.’
Dog: ‘I beg.’
DM:... (Rolls against Charisma)
(Passes)
DM: SonOva-
DM: ‘The fairy princess thanks you and your party of heroes for rescuing her kin from the evil ice Trolls - they have been saved from slavery, torture and a cold grave. What you have done will echo for eternity in songs. She will grant you three wishes...’
Cat: ‘Eat the fairy.’
DM: ‘You come to a dead-end, there’s nothing here but a small hole.’
Cat: ‘I go in the hole’.
DM: ‘You can’t, you’re too big.’
Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’
DM: ‘You’re wearing platemail!’
Cat: ‘I go in the hole.’
DM: ...
‘Make a wisdom check.’
(Fails)
DM: ‘You’re stuck.’
DM: ‘From your hiding spot you see an Orc - he hasn’t noticed you yet’.
Dog: ‘I sneak up from behind and sniff his butt’.
DM:...
‘Make an intelligence roll’.
DM: ‘You are in a tavern and need a well-earned drink - but the landlord, a gruff Dwarf, seems less than pleased to see you.’
Cat: ‘I’ll be friendly towards him.’
DM: ‘Make a Charisma check.’
(Passes)
DM: ‘Success! The Dwarf warms to you.’
Cat: ‘I scratch his eyes out.’
DM ‘The Gnome throws the dart and-‘
Dog: ‘I run after the dart and bring it back!’
DM: ‘You can’t, it’s hit an Orc!’
Dog: ‘I jump up at the Orc, excitedly!’
DM: ...
‘Roll for intelligence’. (fails)
DM: ‘The Orc removes the dart and throws it towards a chasm, you follow...’
DM: ‘You have entered the Blackheart Forest, you will need to pass quietly as not to alert foes to your presence.’
Dog: ‘I search the trees’.
DM: ‘What are you looking for?’
Dog: ‘Squirrels’.
DM:....
‘Make a perception roll’.
(Passes)
Dog: ‘BARK! BARK! BARK!’
(Stolen from Facebook - but too good to ignore, so can’t take the credit for it).
DM: ‘The wizard places a chalice on the table, filled with a strange smoking liquid. He cautions that this potion is incredibly dang—‘
Cat: ‘I knock it over.’
DM: ‘You party comes under attack from Goblin raiders - your Fighter is trying to hold back the ambush long enough for the rest of the party to escape. What are you going to do?’
Cat: ‘I sit on his head’.
Dog: ‘I want to cast Animal Friendship.’
DM: ‘On what?’
Dog: ‘The cat in my party.’
DM: ‘Cat, roll for your saving throw’.
(Passes)
DM: ‘It doesn’t work’.
Cat: ‘I’m going to kill you in your sleep tonight.’
Dog: ....
Cat: ‘Casting a spell.’
DM: ‘What are you casting?’
Cat: ‘Catnap - 3rd level.’
DM: ‘Who you casting it on?’
Cat: ‘Myself.’
DM: ‘Wha- make your saving throw then.’
(Fails)
Cat: ZZZZzzzz...
DM: ‘FFS...’
DM: ‘It’s late-‘
Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures.’
DM: ‘You’re not a Bard.’
Cat: ‘I keep singing.’
DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’
Cat: ‘Still singing!’
DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll’.
(Fails)
DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out.’
Cat: (sulks)
Cat: ‘I want to cast Bigby’s Giant Foot’.
DM: ‘There’s no such spel-‘.
Cat: ‘I cast Bigby’s Giant Foot.’
DM: ‘You can’t! That spell doesn’t exist! Why do you want a giant foot?’
Cat: ‘Give me a giant foot!’
DM:... (rolls dice)
DM: A giant foot appears.
Cat: ATTACK IT!
DM: ‘Your ranger is wounded and near death-‘
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Cure Serious Wounds’ on her.’
(Rolls dice)
DM: ‘Your quick thinking restores the ranger back to full health - she’s extremely grate-‘
Cat: ‘I quickly backstab the ranger.’
(Rolls dice)
Cat: ‘Natural 20.’
DM ...
As this thread is doing well, give me a follow, or read one of my comics - failing that, be excellent to the planet and one another.
DM: ‘Before you is a 50ft wide chasm-‘
Cat: ‘I jump the chasm.’
DM: ‘It’s too wide-‘
Cat: ‘I jump the chasm’.
DM: ‘Roll for Dex’.
(Success)
DM: ‘You don’t make it, I said it was too wide. You’re falling to your dea-‘
Cat: ‘I land on my feet.’
DM: ...
DM: ‘Roll for Dex...’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’
DM: ‘The dog returns, albeit undead.’
Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’
DM: ‘Wha- alright, the dog ‘dies’ again.’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog.’
DM: ‘What are you doing?’
Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’
DM: ‘Stop it.’
Cat: ‘I cast-‘
DM:...
DM: ‘You spot a Beholder in the chamber ahead. Everyone make a roll.’
Cat: (passes)
Dog: (passes)
DM: ‘You both sneak past it-‘
Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’
DM: ‘There’s no need-‘
Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’
DM: ‘Erm... Okay... you vanish.’
Dog: ‘?’
Cat: ‘I cough loudly.’
DM: 'You arrive at a fast-moving river-'
Cat: 'Sorry, what?'
DM: 'A fast-moving river.'
Cat: 'I'm not swimming that.'
DM: 'Make a perception roll'.
(Success)
DM: 'The river is too dangerous to swim-'
Dog: 'Wheeee!'
(Splash)
Cat: ...
Cat: 'Solo Campaign?'
DM: 'Sure.'
DM: ‘You are surrounded by Vampires closing in on you’.
Cat: ‘I draw both my +5 holy daggers.’
DM: ‘Dog?’
Dog: ‘Can I have a +5 holy dagger?’
Cat: ‘No.’
Dog: ...
Dog: ‘I cast a spell.’
DM: ‘Which one-‘.
Dog: ‘Polymorph self’.
DM: ‘Wha-‘.
Dog: ‘Into a Vampire.’
Cat: ...
DM: ‘Behind this door is the Lich Lord you are tasked with defeating!’
Dog: ‘I ready my sword’.
Cat: ‘I ready my bow.’
Dog: ‘I charge in, swinging!’
(Cat walks out)
Dog: ‘?’
DM: ‘?’
(Cat joins a new campaign elsewhere)
Cat: ‘Hello, you look like a fun group to join’.
John C. Reilly to play the dog.
@VancityReynolds to be the cat.
Tilda Swinton to voice the DM...
DM: ‘The Elder Titan thunders after you.’
Cat: ‘I hide.’
DM: ‘Make a hide roll.’
Cat: (passes).
DM: ‘The huge feet of the Titan pound the ground, inches from you-‘
Cat: ‘I leap at the feet.’
DM: ‘It’s a Titan! You won’t-‘
Cat: (death stare)
DM: (sighs) ‘...make a roll...’
DM: ‘You’re at a cliff edge with a sheer drop.’
Dog1: ‘I hold the rope for the rest to climb down.’
Dog2: ‘Wait - I want to hold the rope!’
Dog1: ‘Back off! It’s mine!’
DM: ‘You both tug at the rope - make a strength roll’.
(Both roll the same)
DM: ...
Cat: ‘I climb down.’
DM: Thanks to everyone who 'Liked', 'Retweeted' or commented on this thread - you're inspiring me to continue the journey...
DM: ‘You spot a Mind Flayer approaching.
Cat: ‘I hide in the shadows.’
Dog: ‘I hide in the shadows too.’
DM: ‘Both make a hide roll.’
Cat: ‘19’.
Dog: ‘1’.
DM: ‘Cat, even though hidden - Dog gives you away.’
Cat:...
Cat: ‘Cast fireball-‘
Dog: ‘BALL!’
(Dog jumps to catch)
DM: ‘Trying to follow you all back, bear with me, Twitter’s ‘limit’ rules are vexing me’.
DM: ‘A wraith appears!’
Dog: ‘I cast Magic Circle against Evil.’
DM: ‘You draw a circle.’
Dog: ’Run inside!’
DM: ‘Roll for perception’.
(Passes)
DM: ‘Dog - you spot Cat outside the circle - he cannot get in.’
Cat: ‘YOU B-!’
Dog: mouthes ‘sorry’
Cat: mouthes obscenities
DM: ‘As this is just a parody thread to amuse - on a serious note: Please continue to be Uber kind to all pets - they are so awesome and give back so much - I’ve had amazing pets (cats and dogs) in my time, all were cool members of our family.’
If you’ve enjoyed this thread, please take a moment to help any of the excellent animal charities out there like @wwf_uk @RSPCA_official @BlueCross_Media @DogsTrust @Battersea_ @PDSA_HQ - I know it’s going to be a tough winter for everyone, but any extra pennies all helps - TY!
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