I just discovered that thing where you DM someone a number, and then that person writes about you.
I think it’s fantastic.
Like this tweet and DM me a number and I’ll write something about you. Let’s go. 👀
2: Your persistent hatred of Olive Garden fuels my inner fire to destroy you. Does the Olive Garden suck? Yes of course it does. But I’ll be a goddamned son of a bitch if I’ll let you slut shame limitless bread options. People need bread to live. How even dare you?
9Sanch6: You’ve been coasting off of my Nordecke championship for too long. Oh look at you, you have a cute kid. OH GOOD FOR YOU. Jesus, you think you’re such hot shit. OH LOOK AT ME I HAVE A CUTE KID AND I WAS ON A TEAM THAT MORGAN CARRIED TO A CHAMPIONSHIP. Get over yourself.
8008135: I’ve changed poopy diapers that remind me of your personality. I remember one time you said to me, “Morgan thank you for everything you’ve done for my family, you’re such a gifted and humble champion.” I also remember that you drink your own pee, which is uncalled for.
12: Every time I think about you I say to myself, “there’s a man who became an Arsenal fan because his arms were too weak to strangle prostitutes”.
18: Pam bought this thing called a “Jolly Jumper” for Nora, and basically it’s a thing that you put your baby in and your baby kinda moves around in it but mostly just drools and vomits on herself, and this device reminds me of you as a person.
To the person who just DM’d me Anthony Precourt’s wife’s actual cell phone number, I just want you to know that I fear you.
21: That time recently when you said, “I hope everyone in Ann Arbor gets scabies” was really aggressive, because scabies is a serious disease and even though they deserve to get scabies and die from scabies you shouldn’t wish that on them.
96: I’m surprised you had time to DM me a number in between check-in’s on untappd. LOOK AT ME, I DRINK BEER. OHHHH MY GOD, IM A GROWN UP WHO IS BOTH OLD ENOUGH TO BUY ALCOHOL AND ANNOY MY FRIENDS ON THE INTERNET. Say what’s up to Squee and Donkey Dong Doug for me, butt licker.
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