Thread by @disappoptimism

I will always remember first time I took an American to Amsterdam for a bit of a night out:
“Dude, I gotta ask - why are all these women dancing in their underwear in the windows?”

(I raise a quizzical eyebrow)

“How do you mean?”

“Why do it? Do you put tips under r the door?”

“They.... they are sex workers. Prostitutes. Women, men & other of the night. This is a red light district. Hence the red light theme.”

“DUDE THEY ARE PROSTITUTES!”

He spent the rest of the night averting his eyes at a sex show & getting very very stoned.

I dimly remember a sex show where before we entered one of the members of another party asked the doorman
“Will there be jizz?”
The doorman said in that incredible Dutch accent
“No. There is no jizz. There’s never jizz. Why do you want jizz in a theatre?”

The sex show, that apparently was on just a giant loop, consisted of vague theatrical attempts by performers to make sex look dramatic. Think Andrew Lloyd Webber meets Boogie Nights.

A woman with a fair singing voice would belt out Meatloaf whilst two slightly bored looking performers had sex in what looked like a choreographed routine. It was surreal. Somewhere behind me you would hear the sound of someone eating popcorn loudly.

The show moved into a juggling act with dildos. Then topless fire breathing. Then into a routine that asked for volunteers from the audience.

Can I just say, you really learn who your friends are in a sex theatre when they invite you to nominate audience members to come on stage.

Having had my mellow considerably harshed by my associates trying to get the clown make up wearing female performer to drag me on stage for my “birthday” - another likely lad in a football shirt joyously bounded forward, taking the spotlight away from me as his friends cheered

To me, volunteering to be part of a bawdy stage performance in a red light district is an act of wanton self cruelty. At best you will experience a weirding as the numerous hours of drug mellow get attacked by close range stimuli you should be wearing gloves for.

At worst, well frankly you might end up penetrated or penetrating in a way that you don’t want an audience of jeering amateurs for

One lady performer teases football lad - “does he want a birthday present?” she asks, in what must pass for coquettish cheekiness on a stage in front of 100+ very stoned people in a sex show

For a moment football lad hesitates, as would we all if the reality of what was happening had just cracked through into our weapons grade skunk addled minds

Football lad is nudged into position & encouraged to potentially start to sex with the female performer. He gives a nervous thumbs up to his mates in the crowd who all cheer like he’s just scored.

The curtain behind him twitches, with a movement so silent you could have mistaken it for a breeze.
Meanwhile the crowd are being encouraged to give the volunteer a countdown before he starts having sex of some description. It is sordid. It is weird. I am out of popcorn.

At the count of 5 the curtain breaks open & a 6 foot tall gorilla costume performer quietly slips on stage behind football lad.
Football lad is, of course, now in the zone. He is conveying the air of someone quite determined to have sex on stage. In front of his mates.

The gorilla costume performer, as silent as the night, is wearing a strap on rubber cock I can see from where I’m sitting. I would use words like “intimidating” and “unfeasible” and possibly “equine” to describe it

3 count and football lad is giving himself a bit of encouragement. The female performer, looking up at him gives him an encouraging wink. Or was that at the gorilla suit...?

Gorilla suit moves in just as football lad bends over to get himself into position. There’s a silence in the theatre as we all see the true moment of bowel impaling terror that is coming to poor young football lad.

Gorilla suit suit places either hand on football lads shoulder and gives him the merest of rubber cock nudges to the exposed buttocks. The female performer shifts with the speedy practiced grace of a dancer out of the way as football lad scoots across stage to the roar of laugher

Football lad is desperately pulling up his jeans from around his ankles as gorilla suit capers towards him stroking the massive phallus. My brain explodes inside my head at the sound of his mates losing their shit in hysterics

I can just about hear the words of the American
“What the fuck just happened?”

He is stoned, and this was very weird. In the intermission we leave to find something less gorilla orientated.

We end up in a pool bar. The doormen swears there is absolutely no nudity, we have had a lot of nudity at this point - and drugs - so we want beer, crisps & pool now. He swears this establishment very much has this & good French fries as well.

Indeed, there is a pool table, loud rock music blaring & TVs showing old rock concerts. We think the theme of the bar is bikers who go shark fishing or something.

Pool is a great normaliser when you’ve been going full on freak for a few hours. Everyone chatters,
Eats French fries covered in cheese & drinks beer. You can hear each other comfortably over the sound of Iggy Pop

One of the group - an Australian, swears.
“He said there was no nudity!”
We look up at the TV, for reasons unknown Iggy Pop has got his penis out whilst you playing a guitar. We finish our drinks. It is late, around 2AM.

It’s a little known thing that few places at that time in Amsterdam are actually open. Especially to a bunch of high, alcohol induced tourists. There is discussion of what now? Our flight is at 0630 & there’s a few hours to kill.

We schlep around town, being coaxed by the late night working ladies. We try to pitch to one girl to let us all in for a cup of tea & chill out. She refuses wisely.

In the most tedious of times, we end up sitting around station to get train back to airport. Whilst we wait the Australian goes to bathroom. He reports back promptly that we may want to not visit the toilet for the next 20 minutes as theres a guy in there sucking his own penis

We get back to airport. The American is barely conscious, the Australian, disturbed. We silently catch our flights back. Amsterdam has changed some people.