Thread by @DrPetra

I wrote a story about my miscarriages and several newspapers said they couldn’t feature it as I didn’t have a heartbreaking photo of me reacting to my losses to make it “powerful”. A woman shares just such an image today and is shamed for it. Both of these situations make me sad

Things I was asked for
“a photo of you crying?”
(No. I hid my losses, few people saw me cry)
“any bump photos or scans?”
(No because I didn’t get scan photos for my losses and I didn’t take many bump photos for fear of losses)
“Baby shower pics?”
(too scared to consider a shower)

It is really important to normalise grief. To take photos of bumps and babies.Especially after a death to remember your baby. All those things are appropriate,but there are also reasons why they don’t happen.Whatever you do it may not be through choice but it will be with sadness

remember the media, and social media are okay with particular portrayals of #babyloss and not others. Too raw;angry;mad;aren’t white, young,attractive and straight your stories are worth less or aren’t told at all. Even images of beloved babies who’ve died are judged and censored

I have written a lot about #babyloss but I still haven’t shared the story of my miscarriages. At some point I hope a newspaper or magazine will be willing to run it.

Also alongside requests for tragic (but not too graphic) photos to go with my story of my miscarriages journalists wanted a happy photo shoot of me with my kids to “prove happy endings exist”. If media don’t get #babyloss then opportunities for awareness raising can’t happen

I know for some people sharing their rainbow babies is important, no judgement here for that. My problem was that to promote a book I was asked to summon up more tragedy and use my kids to give false hope. Refusing to do this meant limited publicity for an awareness text.

I was so upset by requests for unrealistic tragic tales of hope (theme: 'I had losses but all of us could have a baby in the end') I wrote my own story in an hour of rage and tears. One paper was interested, we did a photoshoot. But another news story came along and it never ran

We're encouraged to raise awareness and many do so in creative and powerful ways. It's exhausting and stressful on top of existing trauma and grief. When media/social media react either to only show certain angles, shut down others, and reinforce isloation and shame. That hurts

Finding your voice and sharing your story is hard. It becomes harder if people react negatively, attempt to silence you, or promise to use your words to assist others then disappear you. And of course not just you, this is a memorial for lost babies so it's much more than a story

I didn't talk about this when it happened a couple of years ago because I was shocked, embarrassed and ashamed. If you're supposed to be promoting your work, albeit to raise awareness, you aren't supposed to talk about failure. I failed to stay pregnant,I failed to share my story

What we don't talk about amidst awareness raising is it is cliquey. Charities may welcome you as an ambassador or sideline you. You may or may not get publicity (and both of these comes with a personal cost). You will be exhausted and possibly re-traumatised. Women cannot win.

The true cost of this is carried by Black women whose stories aren't heard, and if shared are met with racist abuse, echoing inequalities and harms in healthcare. Lesbian and bi women are also sidelined and shamed. Those who have terminations for medical reasons struggle too.

Stories from trans men and non binary people who experience #babyloss are there but again aren't shared (or if they are, are met with transphobia). Partners of those who've miscarried are getting more attention but that's been a struggle and still has to fit particular narratives

If you experience #babyloss and you're a teenager, are disabled then your stories are either not heard and shared or they're reinterpreted as your loss being a positive thing which has all kinds of hateful insinuations. All this influences and reflects what happens in healthcare

TL;DR whether you share your story of loss (including photos) you may be lucky and find a welcoming social/media and wider audience. And you may not. The privileges that influence whose stories are told are mirrored by who gets better healthcare and charitable assistance.

If you see someone sharing their #babyloss story and you want to be mean,just pass on by.Otherwise show some comfort,they'll appreciate it even if they don't say so.Use it as a chance to raise awareness,lobby for better care, donate. Notice whose stories are not there too,amplify

It's okay if you've a story you want to tell but not share. Write or draw,make a memory box,write letters or cards for your baby,whatever you need to do. As an advice columnist whenever I write about loss people send me their stories, not for publishing,just so someone else knows

I've heard from hundreds of people in their 80s or 90s who experienced miscarriage or stillbirth and encouraged not to talk about it and 'move on'.They didn't move on and they never forgot. A private space to talk about that and, crucially, name and remember their baby is healing