THREAD: The Tory cabinet as cars commercially available in Britain in the 1990s.
SAJID JAVID, Minister for Health: Rover 100. A brand you can trust! A modern Mini! One of us! A safe pair of hands? Deeply uncool, woefully unreliable and horribly uncomfortable even in top spec.
NADINE DORRIES, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport: Vauxhall Frontera. Absolutely no business working in this field but ploughs on regardless, grinding to a withered halt every few miles due to an engine that just can’t hack it. Dangerous bullbars cause deaths.
JACOB REES-MOGG, Speaker of the House: Bristol Blenheim. Expensive, British-made, heavy, pointless, unreliable with evil lurking beneath the bonnet…there are a hundred better options than this and yet he refuses to disappear.
GEORGE EUSTICE, Minister for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs: Ford Orion. Uninspiring, unremarkable, he passes by without you noticing a breeze. With such lack of charisma he intends to be last Tory standing but will eventually be phased out without us even realising he’s gone.
NADHIM ZAHAWI, Minister for Education: Jaguar S-Type. A reassuring exterior tells us this is good old-fashioned values, confidently presented. But the interior is a different story. A mess that falls apart at the slightest sign of trouble.
GRANT SHAPPS, Minister for Transport: Rover 800. Desperately wants to compete with the big boys but is only ever used as a rep, marched out to do difficult jobs nobody else wanted. Nobody would choose him voluntarily.
THÉRÈSE COFFEY, Minister for Work and Pensions: Austin Montego. Aimed at the elderly, does nothing but let them down. Heavy to drive, expensive to run and the underpinnings are out of date and just not up to the task.
KWASI KWARTENG, Minister for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Chrysler PT Cruiser. Petrol crisis? What petrol crisis! Thirstily blunders in with maximum confidence but when you really need him to step up he’s got nothing much to offer.
LIZ TRUSS, Minister for Women and Equalities, also Foreign Secretary: Mercedes G-Wagon. Absolutely nothing to recommend this. Just a very expensive way of having something that underperforms in every area and trades only off their status.
MICHAEL GOVE, Minister for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Lada Riva. A horrible cursed vehicle, he will rot on your driveway and somehow still always be given another chance.
PRITI PATEL, Home Secretary: Suzuki Vitara. Hateful, arrogant and dangerously unstable, she is inexplicably popular with a longevity matched by few of her peers. You'd honestly be better off with a Frontera.
DOMINIC RAAB, Minister for Justice and Deputy PM: Renault Laguna. Looks decent, sounds decent, sucks you in with electability but loses value phenomenally quickly and soon shows himself up as being riddled with bugs and poor build quality.
RISHI SUNAK, Chancellor of the Exchequer: Nissan Micra. Small, cute, reasonably priced....what could go wrong?
Fucking. Everything.
BORIS JOHNSON, Prime Minister: Ford Scorpio. Get it out of my SIGHT.
Thank you for enjoying my thread on what the current cabinet would be if they were 90s cars. You can encourage more of this behaviour by buying me a coffee at ko-fi.com/soozuk xxx
Reply Guys jumping in to tell me why this thread is inaccurate are the reason the Tories are winning.
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