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Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
@SoozUK
Oct 3, 2021 • 16 tweets • 5 min read • Read on X
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THREAD: The Tory cabinet as cars commercially available in Britain in the 1990s.

SAJID JAVID, Minister for Health: Rover 100. A brand you can trust! A modern Mini! One of us! A safe pair of hands? Deeply uncool, woefully unreliable and horribly uncomfortable even in top spec.
NADINE DORRIES, Minister for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport: Vauxhall Frontera. Absolutely no business working in this field but ploughs on regardless, grinding to a withered halt every few miles due to an engine that just can’t hack it. Dangerous bullbars cause deaths.
JACOB REES-MOGG, Speaker of the House: Bristol Blenheim. Expensive, British-made, heavy, pointless, unreliable with evil lurking beneath the bonnet…there are a hundred better options than this and yet he refuses to disappear.
GEORGE EUSTICE, Minister for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs: Ford Orion. Uninspiring, unremarkable, he passes by without you noticing a breeze. With such lack of charisma he intends to be last Tory standing but will eventually be phased out without us even realising he’s gone.
NADHIM ZAHAWI, Minister for Education: Jaguar S-Type. A reassuring exterior tells us this is good old-fashioned values, confidently presented. But the interior is a different story. A mess that falls apart at the slightest sign of trouble.
GRANT SHAPPS, Minister for Transport: Rover 800. Desperately wants to compete with the big boys but is only ever used as a rep, marched out to do difficult jobs nobody else wanted. Nobody would choose him voluntarily.
THÉRÈSE COFFEY, Minister for Work and Pensions: Austin Montego. Aimed at the elderly, does nothing but let them down. Heavy to drive, expensive to run and the underpinnings are out of date and just not up to the task.
KWASI KWARTENG, Minister for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Chrysler PT Cruiser. Petrol crisis? What petrol crisis! Thirstily blunders in with maximum confidence but when you really need him to step up he’s got nothing much to offer.
LIZ TRUSS, Minister for Women and Equalities, also Foreign Secretary: Mercedes G-Wagon. Absolutely nothing to recommend this. Just a very expensive way of having something that underperforms in every area and trades only off their status.
MICHAEL GOVE, Minister for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Lada Riva. A horrible cursed vehicle, he will rot on your driveway and somehow still always be given another chance.
PRITI PATEL, Home Secretary: Suzuki Vitara. Hateful, arrogant and dangerously unstable, she is inexplicably popular with a longevity matched by few of her peers. You'd honestly be better off with a Frontera.
DOMINIC RAAB, Minister for Justice and Deputy PM: Renault Laguna. Looks decent, sounds decent, sucks you in with electability but loses value phenomenally quickly and soon shows himself up as being riddled with bugs and poor build quality.
RISHI SUNAK, Chancellor of the Exchequer: Nissan Micra. Small, cute, reasonably priced....what could go wrong?

Fucking. Everything.
BORIS JOHNSON, Prime Minister: Ford Scorpio. Get it out of my SIGHT.
Thank you for enjoying my thread on what the current cabinet would be if they were 90s cars. You can encourage more of this behaviour by buying me a coffee at ko-fi.com/soozuk xxx
Reply Guys jumping in to tell me why this thread is inaccurate are the reason the Tories are winning.

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More from @SoozUK

Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
May 29
🧵How British cars from the 90s are feeling a week in to the General Election

ROVER 400: Their sister called them a “piece of shit” because they’re going to vote Green and not Labour in their (very safe Tory) seat. Image
NISSAN PATROL: Voting Reform coz “Nigel Farage is a legend”. Thinks he will be Prime Minister. Unaware he isn’t a candidate. Image
FORD MONDEO: Although known to list to the left on occasion and despite a facade of sleekness they’re entirely middle of the road and will vote accordingly. Unironically described Starmer as “forensic” the other day. Image
Read 19 tweets
Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
Dec 22, 2023
🧵Here it is, my big #EastEnders catch-up thread for people who only see it when they go home for Christmas with the family. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year! And this year is a DOOZY! Image
Sorry btw, last year’s thread was 24 posts long. This one is about 90. There’s a LOT HAPPENING.
Image
Image
First...here's why Dead Cindy is back. Yeah, you’ll see Cindy, it's clearly Cindy and she’s back with Ian! “HOW!?” Cindy died in childbirth in prison. But she didn’t. She was in witness protection for 25 years. Bish bash bosh. And she’s back. That’s why you’re seeing Dead Cindy. Image
Read 95 tweets
Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
Sep 28, 2023
People stop him in the street to cry and tell him he’s wonderful and fighting the good fight and also that he’s super handsome and his album is brilliant and such good music and that he should be James Bond. Image
Laurence Fox saw Armageddon 2 when he was on holiday in America in the summer.
Laurence Fox tried out the Nemesis at Alton Towers before the rest of the general public.
Read 93 tweets
Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
Apr 14, 2023
If you're clutching your pearls over Sam Smith doing nothing more risque than the same stuff that already had squares clutching pearls since forever...Elvis, Madonna, Freddie Mercury, Bowie, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Lil Nas X and more already offended you and your ilk.
"Think of the children!" "Ban this filth!" "They're sick in the head!"

We've heard ALL of this before, you're just looking for things to be offended by and Sam Smith is your current flavour. In a year it'll be some other singer you're repulsed by for aaaalll the same shit.
"That's DIFFERENT, Elvis/Bowie/etc etc had TALENT/weren't aimed at CHILDREN/we're SEXUAL!" Just admit you're the same as a 1950s square all devastated coz a kid saw Elvis swirl his hips. You'd probably get upset that The Beatles wore their hair too long. Fckn square.
Read 7 tweets
Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
Mar 7, 2023
🧵THE WORST FASHIONS OF THE Y2K ERA

BRAS WITH CLEAR STRAPS: Whoa it looks like you aren’t even WEARING a bra! Ultimate goal when wearing strappy tops (ONE SET OF STRAPS ONLY AT ALL TIMES IN Y2K) Invisible straps don’t catch the light like a MIRROR at all PS enjoy your sweat rash some poor woman in a clear-strap bra that is GLINTING under
POINTY-HEM TOPS: I GUESS they’re meant to look like bandanas (?) but I don’t know…why. And…if they’re made of hot pink lycra with faux snakeskin panels…also why PS I miss my Tammy Girl hot pink lycra pointy-hem snakeskin-panel top so much. Beyonce in a pointy hem top because even the queen fucks it
SUPER LOW-RISE JEANS: Tight in the thigh, wide in the shin, low in the…crotch. They flatter not one part of the body, you have to spend all day pulling them up and if there’s no muffin top there’s hip bones. Hip bones! PS even low-rise thongs were never low enough.
Read 22 tweets
Sooz Kempner FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY Profile picture
Mar 7, 2023
14 years to the day since I was working on Oliver! in the West End and M1chael J@cks0n came to see it, had a backstage tour (was not interested in meeting me which will SHOCK you) and then held up the start of the show by 20 minutes coz he wouldn't stop getting up and waving.
After the show the streets were so rammed with people trying to catch a glimpse of the withered King of Pop two months before he died that I got stuck for nearly an hour in the middle of them in the van I used to get to the theatre (with dogs in the back, I was the dog handler).
Anyway, I was stuck RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TOUR BUS and he suddenly appeared at the window and pointed in to the van at the dogs and it was really creepy. It's not an amazing anecdote but it's an anecdote nonetheless.
Read 4 tweets

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