Thread by @TheSirDax

Let's talk about... Getting started in D/s

The question I get asked most (ok apart from "How are you so damn sexy but also so humble?") is "My partner and I want to get started in D/s but we don't know how," so let's find out!

As always, these are my opinions, others may vary😉

So, if you're both interested in getting in to BDSM, here's what I suggest:

Read The New Topping Book (amzn.to/3dUSXmu) *and* The New Bottoming Book (amzn.to/3dUK2lg) by Dossie Easton. Both of you read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role.

After doing that, because you'll need the understanding those books give, ask yourselves the following questions:

- What appeals to me about BDSM?
- Why do I identify as Dom/sub?
- What do I want from my Dom/sub?
- What do I offer a Dom/sub?

- What are the things I want from a dynamic?
- What are the things I *don't* want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have limits" because everyone does. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poop" and go from there😉)

- When things get sexual, what do I need in terms of aftercare - do I need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out.)

- Do I want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that".

Then have a proper, adult conversation with each other and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits, aftercare, safewords and anything else that came up in your research.

Also try doing the BDSMtest.org test, just to check you're on the right track, and then each go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not) - there's a pretty comprehensive one here:

docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d…

That's from this article badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist, but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file!

Do those, but don't worry about fitting into a box like DDlg or Master/slave, just focus on what appeals to you. As you explore and discover more about yourselves and about kink you may find certain things become more or less appealing - that's fine! Just do what seems like fun.

Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can ruin your relationship faster than wiping your dick off on the curtains.

I'd also suggest subscribing to Kink Academy (bit.ly/Knk-Academy) and joing the BDSM advice subreddit once you have specific questions you need advice on (not "What do I do?") here:
Reddit.com/r/BDSMadvice

And when you're ready, joining your local munch (guide: sirdax.co.uk/2020/06/11/how…) will help you meet other kinksters, learn new skills and find cool events and venues!

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and if you (or your partner) doesn't already have an interest then it probably won't help, but it's a pretty solid starting point. Have fun!

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