Let's talk about... Getting started in D/s

The question I get asked most (ok apart from "How are you so damn sexy but also so humble?") is "My partner and I want to get started in D/s but we don't know how," so let's find out!

As always, these are my opinions, others may vary😉 So, if you're both interested in getting in to BDSM, here's what I suggest:

Read The New Topping Book (amzn.to/3dUSXmu) *and* The New Bottoming Book (amzn.to/3dUK2lg) by Dossie Easton. Both of you read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role.

Let's talk about…
How to start talking to your partner about kink.

As usual, there are my opinions, yours may be different, there are no rules, and never, ever tug on Superman's cape. This is one of the most common questions I get. There are a few variations; how do I ask my partner to be my Dom/sub / how do I tell them I'm into xyz / how do I tell them I want more / I'd like to talk about xyz but I'm shy/nervous…
One of the things we get used to in...

Let's talk about... Dominants showing their respect & appreciation.

As usual these are my opinions, yours may be different, there is no "one true way" to do BDSM and if you see Sid, tell him.

You'll often see "Subs should do xyz for their owner..." but what about the opposite? Some Dominants are entirely selfish, and that's their choice (arguably not a great one), but the majority appreciate their sub/s as much as their subs appreciate them. I know I do, and I know a lot of you do too. So how can we show our appreciation and respect?

Let's talk about… Submission is a gift.

I've seen this pop up a few times recently and it got me thinking.
These are my opinions; yours may vary and debate is encouraged. "Submission is a gift" strikes me as another one of those expressions, like "the sub has all the power", that sound profound (or look good in a fancy font next to some black and white boobs) but don't stand up to scrutiny.

Let's talk about... Stalking. Specifically I'm talking about sex workers, cosplayers, Dom/mes, subs, YouTubers and anyone known thanks to social media, but the same applies to everyone. You may get to know someone via their online/public persona. A YouTuber, a cammer, cosplayer etc, or maybe a favourite sex worker you book, or a booth girl/boy at a trade show. Maybe they talk to you, maybe they're friendly to you. That's nice, right? Sure it is.

Since it's an FAQ and not everyone wants to join OnlyFans...

Ladies: Would YOU like your very own - UNIQUE TO YOU - "good girl/bad girl/whatever rating" as an audio?
Want to hear me rave about your outfit or pose, or what evil thoughts I have about your body?
Step this way... Audios will be just for you, and approximately two minutes long.

Let’s talk about..
ACRONYM SPAGHETTI!

Specifically, what’s all this about?

SSC - Safe, Sane and Consensual

RACK - Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

PRiCK - Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink As always, these are just my opinions, there are no rules in BDSM, and you’re looking fiiine today😉

These acronyms come up often in kink (not just BDSM) and are different ways of describing the way we approach certain activities. Most stuff in BDSM has the potential to be...

This is your semi-regular reminder that there is no such thing as a “real sub*” or “real Dom*” and there aren’t specific things you *must* do to be a “real” anything. Don’t want to be spanked or punished? Still a sub. Don’t want to hurt someone or use a whip? Still a Dom. *the exception is those who say they’re a Dom just so they can abuse people, or those who say they’re a sub but have no intention of being submissive and just want to get their rocks off (nothing wrong with that, just be honest about it).

Gentle reminder:
BDSM is not necessarily about sex. Whatever you’re into, D/s, bondage, pain, pleasure- sex is just one avenue. If anyone tries to tell you that BDSM is some sort of intimate sexual practice, and/or only to be done with someone you have a relationship with... ...then that suggests they have a fundamental misunderstanding. Sure, you choose to only play with a partner, or only engage in sexual aspects, and that’s fine - that’s your choice. But many people practice other forms of BDSM, perhaps without even taking their clothes off.

I want to be wrong, I really, really want to be wrong about this, but...
K so @the_doms_den turned up a while back. Usual stuff, nice and safe. Then suddenly he tweets out a load of abusive stuff, and starts deleting posts, blocking and unfollowing people before shutting down. Then a few days later, he’s back, saying he got hacked despite having 2FA and all the other security turned on, and says it wasn’t him who unfollowed every one. Then he does it again (minus the abuse). Comes back. Posts more generic “Good guy” stuff.

Let’s talk about... “You’re not a real sub if you don’t...”

As always this is my opinion, there are no rules, and make sure to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.

This is prompted by a number of similar questions I’ve had recently, where a sub has been told...
1/ 2/
...that if they don’t do certain things, then they must not be “a real sub”.
This is what we in the kink world refer to as “absolute shite of the highest order”.
There are no rules, remember. There’s no definition of what makes a sub “good”, no benchmark to refer to.

This is your semi-regular reminder that ghosting is not a good punishment, or indeed any way to deal with another human being, even if it’s an “agreed part of a dynamic*”.
“If you’re bad, I won’t talk to you” - no. You need to discuss the “bed behaviour” and understand why. Ignoring/ghosting someone is a sure sign that you don’t know how to adult. So don’t.

*Has anyone ever said “ok if I’m bad, I want you to ignore me for a week” ?

This kind of behaviour is all too common. Coercing someone into doing something you *know* they’re uncomfortable with is out of order.
It doesn’t matter if they “don’t say no” - they may be scared of confrontation, scared of being shouted at or ridiculed, any number of things.

https://twitter.com/TheSirDax/status/1286711719004459009

Normalise asking for consent.
“May I sit next to you?”
“May I touch your arm?”
“May I tell you when I’m having a dump?”
In the absence of explicit (and enthusiastic) consent, assume you don’t have any consent. It’s not difficult.

This is a good reminder that we’re all responsible for our own choices. If you’ve been in the kink world a while, you’ll have heard of various “high profile” people who’ve been exposed as, shall we say, problematic.
If it seems too good to be true, perhaps it is.

https://twitter.com/Master_Venture/status/1286248605729390600

Set your own rules for yourself, and stand by them.
Do your own research, and be sceptical. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
On Twitter, be very suspicious of someone who points to a large number of followers as a reason for trust - followers can be bought.

Oh, looks like our old friend the Curious Cat Whisperer is back.
“What would you do if holy water was spilled on you?”
added to
“Have you ever had a wedgie?”
“Can I ask you some questions about tickling?”
“Would you wipe your ass with my diploma?” etc Trying to trick other people into engaging in your fetish is incredibly rude. First off, you’re not giving them the choice of consenting or not. It’s no different to flashing or sending a dick pic. Secondly, you’re being selfish - using them to satisfy your fetish.

Issues I have with 365DNI / 365Days:
It portrays a stalking, drugging and kidnapping as if it’s no big deal. Yet this does happen - see: bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-… At no point in 365DNI does Massimo get consent to handle Laura roughly, yet he does say he’ll never do anything without her consent - acknowledging that sexual contact would be bad, and simultaneously implying physical force is a-ok and doesn’t need consent.

Following on from earlier...

Sending unsolicited genitalia pics to strangers is not ok. If you really must show someone what you’re packing, just ask first and accept the answer.
The fact it’s “only” online doesn’t make it any less potentially unpleasant. Saying “but guys would love to receive pussy pics” is no different to saying “guys would love to be sexually assaulted”. Trust me, it’s not as hot you think.

Imagine:

You’re in the bar of a hotel.
A bearded gentleman walks in, spots you, and walks right over.
He takes a seat next to you. Compliments your outfit.
You’d never normally... but you already know where this is going. Perhaps your pussy is already telling you, that throb... Perhaps he raises an eyebrow as your nipples betray you. Perhaps.
He requests a glass of ice and water. You go to the bar.
When you return, he tells you to hold the glass out, and drops something into it.
Blatantly.
There’s a clunk.
You look in the glass and see...
A buttplug.

365DNI update (I’m about half an hour in):
Possible rape (it’s unclear), drugging, abduction, forced imprisonment and physical violence at gunpoint.
On the plus side, the acting and soundtrack are better than 50 Shades. 365DNI continued: just found out the guy is also the singer on some of the soundtrack. He’s got a good singing voice.

Pro tip:

If you want to learn about BDSM, DON’T watch porn.

DO sign up with Kink Academy
bit.ly/Knk-Academy
(Affiliate link) BDSM porn, like regular porn, is fantasy. Even on Kink dot com, despite their “hi how you doing, what’s your name, what are your limits and safewords” - it’s not representative of what you’ll be encountering. Learn the basics, learn about safety and consent and risk and first aid

Let’s talk about... Lube

I’m writing a comprehensive guide to anal, and i realised that lube is often a mystery to people- so it’s ideal for an LTA!
For once, this is mostly FACT, with the occasional opinion. There are three main types of lube you can buy:
Silicone-based
Water-based
Oil-based

You’ll also find “hybrid” lube which is both water- and silicone-based. “Organic” or “Natural” lube is usually water-based.