Thread by @cerbykerby

a short (hopefully) thought for #omegaLWJseason:

newly-presented omega lwj overhears alpha wen chao bragging that he's going to ask his father to make lwj his concubine. lwj asks alpha wwx to fake a relationship with him.

except. neither of them knows what that looks like.

wwx: an excuse to spend time with you AND piss off wen chao? sign me up!

lwj, relieved: thank you for agreeing

wwx:

wwx: so

wwx: what now

lwj: … I haven't the slightest idea

wwx: we hold hands, I think! couples hold hands, right?

lwj: absolutely not. I will not do anything that could result in pregnancy

wwx: … holding hands doesn't result in pregnancy

lwj: are you CERTAIN?

wwx:

wwx: perhaps we should consult your library pavilion

the library is of little help. there are poems speaking of loves as deep as the ocean and as radiant as a full moon, but there is no how-to-be-in-a-relationship manual.

"Maybe I should just repeatedly and excessively compare you to jade?" wwx suggests.

lwj shakes his head and examines the book in his hand. this one is different. it mentions a bed, as well as many metaphors of swelling, entwined rivers and heaving mountains and bountiful autumn harvests.

wwx peeks over his shoulder. "Maybe we should climb a mountain?"

((kudos to @/cicerfics for the idea of sex being described in overly metaphorical ways. that shit's just too funny to pass up))

so they climb a mountain—specifically one of the back mountains behind the cloud recesses. it's quite the climb, and they're both tired when they reach the top.

"Oh, look," wwx gasps in between breaths as he points. "There. I can see Caiyi Town."

lwj looks. indeed, it is.

"It's quite nice up here!" wwx takes a deep breath of fresh mountain air. "The view is amazing!"

"Mn," lwj agrees, soaking in the sounds of the wind through the leaves and the warmth of sunlight on his skin.

"I bet the sunset looks incredible from here." wwx takes off his outer robe and spreads it on the ground. he sits on it and pats next to him. "Lan Zhan! Come sit!"

lwj joins him, careful to keep some space between them. he pulls the book out; he'd brought it along for reference.

wwx shuffles closer and rests his chin on lwj's shoulder. "Any ideas on what it means?"

lwj shakes his head. the mountain metaphor is still confusing. the mountains in the text have many curves that seem to entrance and muddy the author's mind.

up here, lwj feels clear-headed—refreshed. he hardly feels muddied, or entranced by anything in particular.

he does feel warm, though. wwx is… warm. when the wind changes direction, lwj can smell nothing but his scent on the breeze. it's not unpleasant.

they pore over the poem to no avail, and soon it is time to watch the sunset. it is incredible, just like wwx predicted it would be—fiery oranges and pinks reach across the sky until the sun finally yields to the moon.

by the time they get back down the mountain, it is dark out.

as soon as the night patrol spots them, they immediately bring wwx and lwj straight to lqr and lxc.

"Wangji, where have you been??" lqr fumes. "Do you have any idea what it looks like when both you and Wei Ying disappear at the same time?!"

"We were just in the back mountains," lwj answers honestly.

"In the back moun—" lqr stops. his gaze is fixed on the book in lwj's hand. "Wangji," he says slowly. "What is that."

lwj holds it out. "It's a book of poems. Wei Ying and I were studying it together."

lqr takes the book. one glance at the title and his face reddens like a pepper.

"You—!" he nearly flings the book back at lwj. "Improprietous! The subjects of this book are not for—" he goes shock-silent. "Why are the two of you so disheveled?"

both wwx and lwj look at each other. the hike took a while, and descending a mountain in the dark was not easy. they can hardly be blamed for sweating and getting their clothes snagged.

"Mountains take effort to climb, xiansheng," wwx says.

lqr looks about ready to murder him.

what wwx says: hiking mountains is exhausting

what lqr hears: I exerted a lot of 'effort' on the 'mountains' of your nephew's body 😉😉😜

thankfully, lxc is present, and he gets the truth out of them—that they truly didn't do anything except literally hike a literal mountain. he agrees that mountain hikes can be rewarding, but he does confiscate the book of poems back.

word does spread, however, and in a few days, wen chao storms over to wwx and demands to know what wwx thinks he's doing with a future wen concubine.

wwx: lan zhan and I are together. we are in love. 😌 look elsewhere, wen chao

lwj: ..................... *quiet internal scream*

wen chao: *scoff* whatever. it's probably just a small affair. I'm sure lan zhan here would not do anything to tarnish his reputation. marrying well is important to omegas, and no omega would marry /you/, wei wuxian

lwj:

lwj:

lwj: i'm pregnant

"WHAT?!" roars wen chao, outraged.

"WHAT," screeches wwx, trying to remember if they'd accidentally held hands last night.

lwj gives wwx a very pointed look that means 'say something supportive and back me up'.

"Oh," wwx nods in acknowledgement and says, "I'm pregnant too."

once she realizes what's going on, wen qing grabs both of them and takes them away from the very angry and very confused wen chao. she then gives them a quick but thorough sex-ed lesson.

wwx: my what goes in lan zh—um, I mean—

wq: your penis

wwx:

wwx: OOOH U SAID A BAD WORD—

lqr insists that lwj see a physician to make sure he's not preggie. once the physician confirms that lwj is not carrying, lqr scolds lwj for his carelessness regarding his reputation—especially in front of the wens, who can easily spread rumors and destroy lwj's marriageability.

lwj: I can change that

lqr: what

lwj: i can get pregnant. i know how it works now.

lqr: WANGJI—

lwj: I will not be wen chao's concubine. i will get pregnant if that's what it takes. and wei ying will help me.

wwx:

wwx: d

wwx: do I get a say in this or