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A short thread of my brain's automatic translation of certain words & phrases used in official pandemic communications. Anyone else hears this kind of thing, or should I be worried about my mental health?
1.
Airborne: No, we're not taking responsibility if you get infected. And we won't pay (nor make our donors pay) to clean the air
Decoupling: as cases are out of control, we'll just pretend that hospitalizations have nothing to do with them
2.
Droplets: oh yeah, baby! It's your fault if you catch this thing.... 🤣
Endemicity: quit whining & get back to work
Herd immunity: would have been nice, but you're still the herd, & we've got immunity
Long COVID: no, seriously. We never bring THIS up....
3
Mild: it will kill very few of you, so shut up & get out there, but don't dare end up in hospital. What? Long term sequelae? See long COVID (or not....)
Off ramp: dates we arbitrarily choose to remove measures that harm the economy & remind people we are in a raging pandemic
4
Our experts say....: we've communicated our totally self -serving decision to the people whose salary we pay, so they could say it back to us
Public health: 😂😂😂😂😂
Respirator mask: Nope. Expensive, & then we would have to talk about air-bloody-borne, & months of lies....
5
Safe: no, it doesn't mean you won't get infected, but we say it in case a couple of you fall for it. Anyway, you've got no choice....
We are carefully monitoring: there's no way we'll do what you are asking, so just forget it
6
We understand some of you may be anxious: we can't have people refuse to risk their life & health for the richer.... I mean, the greater good, so we'll discredit you & make you look like a scary cat. So sue us....
7
Your safety & security is our priority: no, it isn't, but our comm people say we should make you feel valued before we screw you over. (Silly, I know. But words cost nothing, & it looks good in official messages)
*Scaredy cat....
8. How I could forget this gaslighting bestseller? 🙄
Learning to live with the virus: because the economy cannot stop for the virus, you'll just have to catch it, repeatedly.... Good luck! What? Learning? Ah, that's comms again. Sounds better than "sacrificing you to the virus"
9 (Adding to the list, likely not for the last time....)
Calculated risk: yes, it's a risk, & we calculated how much money was being lost by keeping the measure in place
Mental health: something we only care about when we're about to do something reckless, esp. re: schools
10
Natural vaccine: oh, that's a good one 🤣. See "mild".
New testing strategy: no more testing for you people. What? Oh, it's definitely a "strategy" so we can move on without people yelling "but the cases"....
11
Nothing in life is risk-free: a big favorite! Sure, what we want you to do is as safe as driving while intoxicated, but that's irrelevant. (Unless we were calculating your insurance premium, but we won't be insuring you, so no worries....)
12
We see the light at the end of the tunnel: ready or not, we're about to lift most restrictions. What? Yes, we've seen this light before and, yes, the other times it was another train. But, THIS time, it's real. (& anyway, we're so done with COVID.)
13.
'Who could have predicted this?': everyone, really, but our strategy is to open up, ignore worrying indicators, dismiss what happens in other countries, & then play dumb when we're hit hard.
14. Update Feb 6, 2022
Children don't get sick: well, some do, but not *really* sick. Usually.... What? Long-term damage in a few years? Uh, how would we know? Yes, we know children usually live with adults, but they must go to school. See 'mental health'
15.
Defanged: like 'decoupled', but with more 'teeth' 🤣. Clearly, we needed a more heroic term as cases really got out of control, to distract you from the overwhelmed hospital. Anyway, most people end up there *with* COVID, not for it. Really.
16
Immunity wall: No, it's not a *wall* wall 🙄. More like a temporary barrier. Yes, you need to catch COVID to maintain the wall, & don't forget to send your kids to school. No, you won't get a reward for collecting all the variants. That's your civic duty.
17
Safetyism: safety, but bad, like when you don't want your kids to catch this virus.
We are moving away from the pandemic: no, we're not moving to Mars.... But we'll remove restrictions, stop testing & counting hospitalizations & deaths. Uh? What pandemic?
18
We need 'normal': ah, yes, who isn't longing for 2019? (You aren't? Well, we're talking for the others). Anyway, we'll get rid of masks & everything, & pretend this is over. You may not find a hospital bed, but that's it. Oh, you're high-risk? Gee, too bad. See 'airborne'
19
Personal choice: as we remove mask mandates, we are aware that some of you remain "fearful" (or you may be high-risk. Whatever...). Feel free to keep wearing one for as long as you wish. Given the civility surrounding masks so far (😅), we're sure that will go smoothly....
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