Perinatal epidemiologist. Italian in Canada. Mostly SARScasm
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Aug 24, 2023 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome. We are here today because you may have heard about a new variant. As you know, the “new public health” leaves little health in the public, but it’s agile, unintrusive, and positive. Our aim is to give you more control, as in our last update.
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We have been a little busy, due to a few (perfectly normal) cases of summer flu, malaria, deadly fungus, leprosy, brain abscesses, excess deaths, etc…. Some are a little mysterious, but we are closely monitoring the situation & everything is under control.
Apr 18, 2023 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
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Welcome to our latest not-COVID briefing. Since the we ended the pandemic through the great work of our comms… - sorry – our public health department, everything has been ticking along nicely. We now have more great news for you!
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We are moving away from compulsory masking in healthcare facilities. Yes! We know that nobody likes anything “compulsory” (indeed, how do you feel about having to pay taxes?). Thus, we have decided to give control back to YOU!
Apr 14, 2023 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
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Today, I got an email that's a good example of gaslighting. It's titled "Changes are being made to your internet service". The are "being made"? Uhm, I wonder who is doing that? Then it says: "Our goal has always been to offer you cutting-edge services and an experience (cont)
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...at the height of your expectations". (The height of my expectations is pretty low: I'd just be happy if my internet didn't randomly vanish for hours, but OK...). If it weren't for the impersonal subject, after that opening, you'd have thought they were going to add something
Jan 19, 2023 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
1. Welcome. We are here today because some people are still reluctant to accept that the pandemic is over. What? We still have plenty of COVID? Well, you weren't really supposed to notice, but what did you expect, after going “back to normal” with no measures & leaky vaccines?
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We simply ended the “pandemic” phase. Now, the virus is everywhere, all the time, & continuously mutating. We call this “endemic” and it’s going really well (at least for the virus, not so much so for everyone else….). No, we never said that endemic was a good thing.
Jan 17, 2023 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
1. Hi all. I'm back from an extended Twitter leave. I went to Italy. I (miraculously) didn't catch COVID on the plane getting there (still to see on the way back) but developed an odd cough 11 days later that seems VERY attached to me. If you had one, I'd like your input.
2. I call it "odd" b/c I had no cold, sore throat, fever, or anything, other than my ears slightly closed. I could smell fine, had a major appetite, and could climb 2 floors up without issue. I coughed little during the day but, the moment I reclined, it was hell.
Nov 6, 2022 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
Trying to keep straight the official information about children & COVID
1. Children don’t get or transmit COVID 2. If they get COVID, it’s just the sniffles 3. If it’s not the sniffles, it’s no big deal 4. If it’s a big deal, they had a pre-existing condition
5. If it’s a big deal & they did not have a pre-existing condition, you just didn’t know about the pre-existing condition (as per 2-4) 6. Maybe kids can transmit COVID, but not in schools 7. If it seems otherwise, it’s because schools reflect community transmission
Oct 25, 2022 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
1. Welcome. Today, we want to stress that, yes, the pandemic is over, but COVID isn't. This just means that we'll still have COVID, but no pandemic measures, to better infect you.
Hah! Just joking.... We really don't want you ill, as healthcare is collapsing.
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But no worries - it's not because of COVID. It's all those other pesky infections, especially among children. Kids have a huge immunity debt because of lockdowns. Absolutely.... And schools are very safe. As all parents know, no kid ever catches any disease there….
Sep 13, 2022 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
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Reality vs. government propaganda
Reality: This virus is airborne
Govt propaganda: nah, that's too hard. Let it be droplets....
R: children transmit & some get very sick
GP: we really can't have that. We'd better say the opposite, very assertively
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R: we can't get herd immunity with this virus
GP: fine. Let's invent hybrid immunity
R: we can't achieve that, either. The virus keeps mutating, & vaccine protection wanes
GP: what? We can't hear anything. There's to much noise here....
Sep 9, 2022 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome. We are delighted that most of you have come round to treating COVID like the flu. Yes, we know that you can treat a lion like a cat all you want and it'll still eat you🙄…. But that’s meaningless snark, as COVID is nothing like a lion, & you know it.
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I mean, a lion will kill most victims right away, while COVID kills very few. What? There have been more deaths in 2022 than in the previous two years? Ah, but that’s just because there are more infections, not because it’s very deadly….
Aug 18, 2022 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome. As we take stock of our response, we’ve heard complaints that lifting measure because that’s “where people are” is not "following the science". Exactly. it’s following the people. Uh? How did they get over COVID before COVID was over? Well, we helped with that.
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Just a bit.... We softened you with endemicity, learning to live with the virus, hybrid immunity (aka herd immunity 2), & mild omicron (versions 1 through 10). We also avoided talking much about the long-term risks of COVID. But (except for airborne) we didn't flat-out lie….
Aug 12, 2022 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
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Welcome. As you know, after a long period of… uhm, illness, one of our dearest principle, prevention has left us. Public health owes much of its past success to prevention, and we are all the poorer for its loss.
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Not long ago, common good complained to us of a hostile work environment. After thoroughly investigating this allegation, we found no evidence to support it. Sadly, common good, who had not been itself since contact tracing had gone missing, chose to retire....
Aug 3, 2022 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
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Welcome! We are here today to remind you that, thanks to our new “minimally invasive” public health approach, you won’t need to take any action even with two ongoing pandemics. That’s right!
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Are you attending a COVID... -ehm- a convivial occasion? Trying to rebook a canceled flight? Waiting anxiously for that surgery? Whatever fun thing you’re doing, keep at it, because the *new* public health is based on individual choice, & your freedom comes first.
Jul 19, 2022 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome! We hope you are enjoying “living with the virus”. Yes, you may have COVID for the 3rd time, unable to get medical care, facing delays traveling, or missing personnel. But now you can go through all this without having to wear a mask! Yay!
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Unfortunately, we are in yet another wave, immunity doesn’t last, COVID is still not quite the flu, & it may ruin your health for months. We did not quite expect to be at this point right now, but we DID work very hard, & we are here to remind you of that.
Jun 30, 2022 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome! You may wonder why we are having an emergency press conference when the health emergency is over. Well, as COVID cases are spiking again, we thought you’d like some reassurance that we won't be taking any action.
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As you know, public health has changed. We let go of the old-fashioned idea of protecting the health of the public in favor of a leaner approach that's much more attuned to modern societal values.
(Yes, we are doubly happy to have put COVID behind us 😏)
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Welcome. This is not a COVID update as, happily, we have happily put that behind us. Instead, we are excited to inform you about the public health revolution triggered by this pandemic.
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When the virus refused our herd immunity deal, we turned to the weakest link in the equation. You, the public, wouldn’t accept that pre-2020 life was over & kept having tantrums about the slightest measure. Thus, we declared COVID over & you happily went along.
May 22, 2022 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
Welcome again! Following our latest COVID briefing, we are proud to showcase the best of our 2022 official COVID catalog.
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Living with the virus: Our undisputed bestseller since 2021. No description needed. So good that people keep buying without quite knowing what it is….
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Mild COVID: Best deal. Sold everywhere. Yours for a few sniffles and 5 days of your time.
Disclaimers: Mildness not guaranteed. Paid sick leave also not guaranteed. In rare instances, long-term health issues (e.g., brain fog & crushing fatigue) may ensue. All sales final.
May 22, 2022 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
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Welcome to the COVID chronicles, “straight talk” edition. We are delighted that so many of you have taken advantage of our innovative “assess your own risk” pandemic approach to determine that COVID is right for you.
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As you know, we no longer manage the pandemic – you do (but we still get paid for it). Are you wondering how we expect regular people to effectively determine their risk with virtually no information in an airborne pandemic? But we don’t, of course....
May 12, 2022 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome to our special COVID briefing. In the spirit of transparency that has characterized our communications throughout this emergency, we wish to address a few lingering misconceptions & misunderstandings.
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When we say that “we must learn to live with the virus”, we do not mean that we will learn about COVID and act upon it🤣. We just mean that we must get used to high rates of death & disability. (And, by “we”, we mostly mean “you”.)
Apr 27, 2022 • 15 tweets • 3 min read
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Welcome to our latest COVID update. We are pleased to announce that we are in the post-pandemic, quasi-endemic phase. What? Yes, we already announced this a few months ago, but this time is for real, as our... ehm, many respected scientists keep telling you.
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Before we get to the exciting news, we have a few announcements and, uh, recommendations. As the COVID situation has evolved, so has our language, and it is your responsibility to understand our communications.
Mar 9, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read
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We are delighted that so many of you have accepted COVID in their life. If you haven’t yet, no worries - we are here to help you, by lifting mask mandates & limiting free testing. We will also stop publishing those anxiety-provoking stats You’re welcome.
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Seriously…. Who needs more anxiety right now? Anyway, people are tired of wearing those pesky masks. Here, we cherish our freedoms, and why shouldn’t you be free to spread a dangerous airborne virus if you want to?
Feb 12, 2022 • 12 tweets • 4 min read
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Welcome to the COVID chronicles, ‘good news’ edition: our polls show that you are fed up with the measures supposed to protect you. Thus, we are officially ending the pandemic. No more living in fear. After 2 years, the time has come. worldometers.info/coronavirus/2.
What? The time doesn’t seem right to you? Yes, it is.... Cases are going down. (No, it’s not just because we slowed down testing🙄). Besides, COVID now has the mortality rate of the flu. Are we going to over-dramatize the flu? I mean, look at the deaths
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