TRUMP: I solicited the Kremlin’s help to dig up dirt on HRC & I made promises to Putin that I never disclosed to the public & I fired Comey for investigating me and I really never cared if it was legal
MUELLER: Here is a 400-page summary of my findings; do with it what you will
TRUMP: I threatened Zelensky & I wanted my followers to stop the certification & I wanted Pence to overturn the election & I did everything within my power to interfere with Biden ever becoming President and I really never cared if it was legal
GARLAND: Well, don’t that beat all
TRUMP: Since nobody has held me accountable for anything I’m going to encourage my followers to take over election boards and I’ll promise to pardon anyone responsible for 1/6 and we’ll be ready and waiting to Stop the Next Steal because I still don’t care if any of this is legal
TRUMP: If anyone had wondered 10 years ago about the logistics of arresting a former President who attempted to incite an insurrection in broad daylight I imagine the general consensus is that they would be far less complicated than they are turning out to be in a practical sense
TRUMP: If my actions were cunning & deliberate, one might surmise my bluff would only be allowed to continue for as long as Democrats lack the political will to overcome the entire GOP apparatus that continues to bear-hug me like they’re rescuing an infant from a burning building
TRUMP: But the truth is that I have no cunning, no conscience, and simply blurt out whatever unfiltered thoughts pop into my head, come what may. The people who want to see me in power make excuses for whatever I just said, and that’s all I truly need to survive another day
TRUMP: Really, I see no reason I won’t be allowed to repeatedly say things like “I did mob crimes” on the teevee for the next two years and then claim the GOP nomination as if it were my birthright. For some reason, I never seem to face any negative consequences for anything I do
TRUMP: Remember the way Phil Hartman portrayed Ronald Reagan on SNL as a guy who was folksy to the public but calculatedly devious in private? That’s not me. I’m exactly like this all the time. There is no “off” button on my constant stream-of-consciousness bullshit
TRUMP: If there was one thing that Democrats & Republicans could unanimously agree on, it’s that the single worst thing I could do to myself would be to testify in court. I would incriminate myself 20 times in the first five minutes of testimony
TRUMP: So if you’re looking for reasons why the Democrats haven’t nailed me to the wall by now, I really don’t think “Trump is just too damned good at keeping secrets” would be anywhere near your list of Top Ten Finalists
TRUMP: The recent revelation that I was caught literally flushing confidential government paperwork down an actual White House toilet should only bolster the conclusion that I am the furthest thing from a sophisticated criminal mastermind
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