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Dreamweasel Profile picture
Dreamweasel
@Dreamweasel
Also present at Substack, Bluesky, and Threads (_dreamweasel_). And still not accepting .GIFs or memes.
26 subscribers
Nov 26 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
🔴: Trump won because voters believed Kamala Harris was focused more on transgender issues than helping the middle class

🔵: That doesn’t mean Kamala Harris was focused more on transgender issues than helping the middle class

🔴: It doesn’t matter 🔴: Trump won because voters believed America was being invaded by migrant criminals swarming over the border

🔵: That doesn’t mean America was being invaded by migrant criminals swarming over the border

🔴: It doesn’t matter
Nov 26 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
TEN MORE WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING

10. Express relief that they were able to safely arrive at Thanksgiving dinner without being attacked by lawless migrants terrorizing the suburbs 9. Ask them to explain in their own words how raising tariffs on virtually all imported goods will lower prices and help the economy

8. Find out if they’re still pretending Trump isn’t going to use Project 2025 or if they’ve moved on to gloating about it
Nov 25 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
TEN WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING

10. Ask them which appallingly offensive and insultingly unqualified member of Trump’s cabinet is their favorite 9. Try and get a sense of how they of all people thought they were more informed and intelligent than the scientists at the CDC

8. Ask them if there any downsides to being a callous and willfully ignorant person who glibly lies to themselves every day
Nov 15 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
TEN POTENTIAL SILVER LININGS OF A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

10. Come January, the President of the United States will have nothing but great things to say about our economy

9. No more endless media speculation about whether Biden is too old or incoherent to lead the country 8. Police presence required to arrest & deport illegal immigrants may keep them too busy to attack nonviolent protesters

7. Several dozen of our most objectively terrible Republicans will no longer be our governors or Congressmen Image
Nov 13 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS PEOPLE MAY NOT WISH TO SOCIALIZE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP

10. They stubbornly choose to disregard the other allegedly admirable characterstics of people who also chose to inflict an incoherent authoritarian quasi-fascist on the rest of us 9. Clearly they are sheltered snowflakes who can’t handle simple differences of opinion as to whether roving gangs of Haitian migrants are eating house pets or whether women are choosing to slaughter babies after they are born
Nov 7 • 12 tweets • 2 min read
WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN?
The Experts Weigh In!

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image 👷🏻‍♂️: Kamala Harris shouldn’t have acted so condescending to the white working-class voters who believe that Donald Trump is telling the truth and everyone else in the world is lying
Nov 2 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
A MAN IN NEED

Donald Trump is a bottomless well of need. He is not merely the neediest President of all time, but he is thirstier for approval than any public figure in American history.

New blog post: ⬇️
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image Even when Trump was elected President, it was not enough to satisfy him. He had to be the greatest President of all time, with the highest approval ratings who won re-election in a landslide.
Nov 1 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Heaven forfend! WHAT TRUMP’S STAFF TELLS HIM WHEN HE ASKS THEM WHY WOMEN DON’T LIKE HIM

10. Times have changed, and women no longer find wealthy and successful men with rugged good looks and thick, lustrous heads of hair attractive anymore
Oct 31 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
A SMOKE-FILLED ROOM AT RNC HEADQUARTERS

🙎🏻‍♀️: God, Trump’s been going off the rails

🙍🏽‍♂️: He’s been babbling like a crazy person about complete nonsense

🤷‍♂️: They’re eating the dogs”? “They’re eating the cats”? Jesus

🤦🏻: And he’s so obsessed with people leaving his rallies early 🙍🏽‍♂️: Can you believe he just stood there dancing for 30 minutes?

👩🏻‍🦰: I did not have “Arnold Palmer’s Dick” on my Bingo Card

🤦🏻: I’m sorry, but Trump is out of his goddamned mind

🤷‍♂️: How is this guy gonna make it until Election Day?
Oct 28 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
TEN GOP EXPLANATIONS FOR THE TRUMP RALLY AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

10. Maybe if you liberals weren’t such sensitive snowflakes, you’d appreciate jokes about Puerto Rico being a big pile of garbage 9. Nine days before the election, we just wanted to focus our valuable campaign resources in the vital swing state of New York

8. It was very helpful for Dr. Phil to explain that Trump is better at debating than anyone else, as people would have no way of knowing this otherwise
Oct 25 • 8 tweets • 1 min read
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS JEFF BEZOS HAS REFUSED TO ENDORSE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

10. Too much difficulty comparing the qualitative differences between the somewhat left-of-center California Democrat and the fascist pathological liar who tried to sabotage the last election 9. Didn’t want to risk conservatives branding the Washington Post as a tool of the liberal establishment

8. Saw Kamala Harris’ task force on Worker Organization and Empowerment and broke out in a cold sweat
Oct 25 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
TRUMP: Immigrants are turning America into the world’s garbage can

D: Trump sounds like a fascist

R: You can’t say that

D: Why not

R: Because 74 million of us voted for him last time

D: I don’t follow R: Are you seriously suggesting that millions of your fellow Americans are FASCISTS?

D: Yes

R: Hmm, I really had expected that to be more of a mic drop
Oct 22 • 17 tweets • 3 min read
THE POOP-FLINGING MONKEY AND THE DEATH OF MERITOCRACY
(rejected title: “Origin of Feces”)

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image While Trump was President, it dawned on me that there was nothing he could possibly say or do that would dissuade his followers. Their praise was independent of his actions or their consequences. “The economy’s doing great!” “He’s more popular than ever!” “Take THAT, liberals!”
Oct 18 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
TEN PROPOSED ONE-LINERS TRUMP REJECTED FOR HIS APPEARANCE AT THE AL SMITH MEMORIAL DINNER

10. I just walked onstage and drank a glass of water, & boy are my arms tired

9. So a liar, a racist, & a convicted felon walk into a bar, and the bartender says “You again, Steve Bannon?” 8. I was going to stand here and just rattle off a list of people I don’t like, but I’ve been told that being insulting and combative might hurt my chances of getting elected
Oct 17 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
I wonder how this could have happened… TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY SO MANY PEOPLE IN GENERATION X ARE VOTING FOR TRUMP

10. They’re the generation that still hasn’t adjusted to the sweeping social changes of the decade that ended shortly before they were born
Oct 3 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
BRENNAN: Do you believe Donald Trump’s actions were justified during the Incredibly Obvious Thing Everyone Saw Happen

VANCE: Rather than talk about the Incredibly Obvious Thing Everyone Saw Happen, I want to focus on the future WALZ: Why won’t you directly answer a question about the Incredibly Obvious Thing Everyone Saw Happen

VANCE: I maintain that the Incredibly Obvious Thing Everyone Saw Happen had no tangible impact on the peaceful transfer of power
Sep 29 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS TRUMP SUPPORTERS HAVE BEEN LEAVING HIS RALLIES EARLY

10. Wanted to be respectful of the thousands of people who were presumably waiting to get in

9. So inspired by the proceedings that they couldn’t wait to go home & shout Trump’s message from the rooftops 8. Like most veteran touring acts, his new material’s just not as good as the classics the fans all came to hear

7. Some people took Trump a bit too literally when he insisted “They’re not after me; they’re after you”
Sep 24 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
Now where would us TDS-afflicted liberals ever get the idea that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin were on the same side (taps sign) ⬇️
Sep 20 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
I can only imagine how the 2019 edition of Dreamweasel would have reacted to the AP stories from five years in the future “Literally nothing that happened, including multiple impeachments and several dozen felony convictions, was enough to dethrone Trump as the 2024 Republican nominee let alone send him to prison to face the justice he has long deserved” sure would have been a bitter pill to swallow
Sep 19 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
AN OBLIGATORY MARK ROBINSON LIST

10. Unoriginal observation that Republicans who want to legislate sexual behavior are very frequently guilty of deviant sexual behavior themselves

9. Hot-off-the-press news that Trump supporters tend to have screamingly racist views 8. Another post commenting on the baldfaced hypocrisy of the personal behavior of those who would inflict Project 2025 on the rest of us

7. Recognition that African-American Trump supporters have to really ramp up the crazy to demonstrate their loyalty to Dear Leader
Sep 14 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
NOTE: The following thread is intended satirically, and suggests very offensive language. It is advised that sensitive followers close eyes before reading. CNN: Mr. Trump, please explain your plan to lower grocery prices

TRUMP: I’ve got a great plan, a beautiful plan, and we’re gonna make other countries pay their share. But to me, it’s far more important that we get rid of the n****rs

CNN: Wait, what