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Dreamweasel Profile picture
Dreamweasel
@Dreamweasel
Also present at Mastodon, Bluesky, and Threads (_dreamweasel_). And still not accepting .GIFs or memes.
Mike T Profile picture human Profile picture Diana Roby Profile picture Joshua Cypess Profile picture Joyce B Profile picture 24 subscribed
Jul 11 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
TEN REASONS TRUMP IS PUBLICLY DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM PROJECT 2025

10. Has no firm recollection of meeting any of his 140 staff members who contributed to it

9. Dystopian crackdowns on abortion and birth control might disrupt his otherwise plentiful supply of Palm Beach hookers 8. Might appear unseemly to suggest that he had anything to do with a plan to place all government agencies directly under Presidential control
Jul 9 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
TEN REASONS TRUMP’S DEBATE PERFORMANCE WASN’T AS BIG OF A STORY AS BIDEN’S DEBATE PERFORMANCE

10. “World’s Most Prolific Liar Lies Some More” is really more of a Dog Bites Man scenario 9. Convicted felon who is still running for president after attempting coup of previous election may be losing ability to surprise us

8. Trump’s complete disengagement from reality was already kind of a pre-existing condition
Jul 8 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
🔵: Trump’s administration has drafted an insane blueprint for right-wing extremism called “Project 2025” for when Trump gets elected

🔴: The MSM always lies about Trump because he is fighting to stop the cabal of Deep State pedophiles from flooding the country with immigrants 🔵: Trump has been convicted of 34 felonies and stands indicted for 54 more

🔴: None of them count because the Biden Administration is clearly engaging in partisan lawfare to stop Trump from fighting the Deep State pedophiles
Jun 27 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN POSSIBLE GAME-CHANGING EVENTS AT TONIGHT’S DEBATE

10. One of the two challengers could plausibly die of old age

9. Trump could say something so unhinged & beyond the pale that it might take his supporters several hours to figure out how to defend it 8. Biden could mispronounce the word “economy” and induce literal orgasms for the hosts of FOX AND FRIENDS

7. A grasshopper or something could jump on Biden’s head and keep the meme artisans busy for the next few days
Jun 26 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
TEN CHARACTERISTICS DONALD TRUMP IS LOOKING FOR IN A RUNNING MATE

10. Would need to maintain the fawning obsequious presence of a Mike Pence without blowing it at the end by following the Constitution

9. Must be able to convincingly explain What Trump Really Meant to Say 8. Must be willing to tirelessly work to outlaw abortion, birth control and IVF while repeatedly insisting that he is not trying to do that

7. Would need to straddle the fine line between Partisan Attack Dog, Shit-Talking Edgelord and Deeply Pious Christian
Jun 11 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
TEN WAYS THE HUNTER BIDEN CONVICTIONS WILL AFFECT THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RACE

10. The convictions will allow Republicans to explore previously untested strategy of responding to attacks on Trump by saying “Oh, YEAH? Well, what about HUNTER BIDEN?” 9. The terms of Hunter Biden’s sentence might interfere with the duties of the President of the United States, an office which he does not hold and is not in any way seeking
Jun 10 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN POTENTIAL PROBLEMS WITH TRUMP HOLDING RALLIES IN 100-DEGREE TEMPERATURES

10. Refreshment stands are frequently in danger of running out of Kool-Aid

9. Nonzero potential for Trump to run the risk of sunburn Image 8. Increased risk of heat-based hallucinations involving strange visions, unusual sounds, and millions of illegal immigrants voting in Presidential elections

7. It’s exhausting for JD Vance to keep reapplying eyeliner
Jun 8 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
I can think of a great place for him to start TEN HELPFUL TIPS FOR DEPROGRAMMING TRUMP SUPPORTERS

10. Try and get them to imagine how much effort it would require for the Washington Post to have invented 30,000 lies for Trump to have told in office
Jun 6 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
D: The Republicans voted against a law to guarantee the right to birth control

R: THAT IS A LIE we just want to prevent taxpayers to be forced to pay for it

D: That wasn’t part of the bill

R: Well, we’re worried about it being forced on children

D: That isn’t happening R: Well, it’s too close to abortion

D: Not the same thing

R: Well, we believe each individual state should have the freedom to decide for themselves

D: Birth control is already legal everywhere; “freedom to decide” in this context just means the right to make it illegal
Jun 4 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
I wonder what a Trump speech from prison would sound like… TRUMP: Hello. As you can see, I am speaking to you from the inside of a prison cell. I am also your duly-elected President of the United States, which itself suggests a substantial shortcoming in the electoral process
May 23 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Gonna put a pin in this one… 🔵: Trump is a goon who doesn’t know anything about government

🔴: He’s an outsider; what do you expect

🔵: He has no understanding of anything apart from his own grievances

🔴: Nobody expects him to be empathetic
May 21 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
TEN EXCUSES DONALD TRUMP WILL MAKE IF HE IS CONVICTED

10. The judge, the prosecutor, the jury, and pretty much all sentient humans with a rudimentary understanding of criminal law were biased against me 9. We can tell this was “lawfare” from the Biden Administration because issuing 88 indictments in four states is a common practice of sitting Presidents who are trying to thwart the candidate from the opposing Party
May 20 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
TEN THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN BEFORE DONALD TRUMP TESTIFIES UNDER OATH

10. Taylor Swift will sheepishly acknowledge that Harrison Butker was right and that she never wanted to be anything more than a simple housewife 9. A group of Democratic Congressmen will hold a press conference outside the courthouse and they will all be inexplicably dressed like Bernie Sanders

8. Gov. Ron DeSantis will sincerely wish a happy Pride Month to all who celebrate
May 15 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN PROPOSED QUESTIONS FOR THE UPCOMING BIDEN-TRUMP DEBATES

10. Can you think of any extenuating circumstances that may prevent you from performing your duties as President effectively

9. What would you do to protect abortion rights and/or finally destroy them once and for all 8. What words of wisdom would you offer to your successor on the off-chance one of you goes to jail and/or dies of old age before your term is over

7. Please explain how a sitting President can lower gas prices
May 10 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN REASONS JEWISH PEOPLE MIGHT NOT BE INCLINED TO VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP

10. To be honest, he seems a little pushy

9. Appears to have violated approximately nine of the Ten Commandments 8. “Yelling at people until you get your way” somewhat at odds with the wisdom exemplified by King Solomon

7. Might not be entirely on board with the Christian theocracy he helped usher in with his Supreme Court appointments
May 2 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
🔴: Hamas attacked Israel on October 7th, and now the leftists and the campus protesters are saying bad things about Israel for some reason

🔵: Let’s dig deeper. Did anything happen in between?

🔴: Yes, Israel defended themselves

🔵: How? 🔴: They attacked the people who attacked them

🔵: Why do you suppose that’s making people so angry

🔴: Clearly this is due to their longstanding tradition of left-wing anti-Semitism

🔵: I’m thinking there might be other reasons

🔴: Perish the thought
Apr 25 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
When Trump dies, it’s gonna be like Henry Kissinger, or maybe Rush Limbaugh. The headlines will read WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE DIES. Sober-minded journalists will struggle to think of anything positive to say about the man while the masses rejoice and celebrate. JURY SELECTION AT THE TRIAL OF THE WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE

LAWYER: Do you have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole?

🔵: How could I not have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole

LAWYER: Thank you for your time
Apr 22 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP KEEPS NODDING OFF IN COURT

10. Another day, another felony trial

9. It’s difficult to follow discussion of complicated concepts like “fraudulent bookkeeping”, “seditious conspiracy”, and “election interference” 8. Not nearly as enjoyable or personally validating as watching FOX & FRIENDS

7. Having trouble remaining alert without his customary 14 Diet Cokes in the morning
Apr 16 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP WOULD WANT TO ATTEND HIS SON BARRON’S HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION EVEN IF IT WEREN’T A CONVENIENT EXCUSE TO DELAY HIS TRIAL

10. Deeply regrets having missed all four of his other children’s graduations for no particular reason 9. Wanted a status update on that baby Melania was taking care of while he was having sex with Stormy Daniels

8. Well-heeled parents who can afford prep school might be able to lend him money
Apr 12 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
GOP: Time to pick a SCOTUS judge who will rule against abortion

HERITAGE FOUNDATION: Please select any of our fine candidates

GOP: We’ll take that one

HF: OK

(Senate Hearing)

DEMS: Can you tell us how you feel about abortion

GOP: HOW DARE YOU IMPOSE IDEOLOGICAL LITMUS TESTS D: The GOP is trying to make abortion illegal

R: SILLY DEMOCRATS! 😂 The Supreme Court only overturned Roe v. Wade to allow the states the freedom to decide for themselves

D: But you are describing the “freedom” to prevent other people from having them

R: That’s the best kind!
Apr 9 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
A MESSAGE FROM THE RNC

RNC: In keeping with Republican campaigns of yore, we have worked tirelessly to court our conservative base! Now that the nomination is all wrapped up, it is time for our customary Pivot to the Center to demonstrate that we are a Party for all Americans… TRUMP: The China Virus was a nothingburger that the Democrats amplified to make me look bad and masks were tyranny and Fauci is an idiot

RNC: Trump was instrumental in Operation Warp Speed, a government initiative to develop vaccines faster