TEN CLOSING ARGUMENTS FROM THE ANDREW CUOMO CAMPAIGN

10. Can everybody please just remember 2020 when I cared about the people of this city and wasn’t a complete asshole

9. If you’re scared of Muslims and don’t wanna vote for the beret-wearing lunatic with 17 cats, I’m your guy 8. The Mayor of New York should be prepared to protect its citizens from a terrorist attack that he did not personally perpetrate

7. I am proud to have the endorsement of wildly popular former mayors Eric Adams and Michael Bloomberg

TWELVE MORE STATEMENTS THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DISMISSED AS “TDS” IF THE DEMOCRATS HAD EVEN IMAGINED THEM DURING THE 2024 CAMPAIGN

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… 1. Donald Trump will order multiple air strikes on fishing boats leaving Venezuela, insisting without evidence that the people he just killed were dangerous drug traffickers

TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT NOT GET INTO HEAVEN

10. Was supposed to dutifully follow the Ten Commandnents and avoid the Seven Deadly Sins; not vice versa

9. Still some debate among Biblical scholars as to which of our 45,000 sects of Christianity is actually the correct one 8. Has occasionally been known to wear garments with mixed fabrics and eat meat on Fridays

7. Elon Musk still working on that industrial-strength Cyberneedle with an eye big enough for a camel to fit through

TEN THINGS FOX NEWS MIGHT POSSIBLY SAY ON THE BLESSED DAY WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS

10. As shocking and horrifying as it may sound, we have heard reports that Muslims are definitely celebrating in the streets of New Jersey 9. We have been assured that Melania Trump is wearing a red dress because red was her husband’s favorite color

8. Frankly, we’ve never seen so many Irish wakes spontaneously break out in our lives

TEN POSSIBLE DOWNSIDES OF DONALD TRUMP SHUFFLING OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND LEAVING THIS WORLD FOREVER

A Thought Experiment

10. Presidential funeral will be a long, drawn-out media event that would likely pre-empt the season premiere of LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT 9. Pallbearers might be at accelerated risk for hernias and lower back pain

8. The American people will be denied the satisfaction of sending him to prison for committing multiple obvious crimes in broad daylight

GOP, 2016: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar

GOP, 2018: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin GOP, 2020: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic

Spotted in the grocery store parking lot. I wonder how the owner knows? TEN WAYS TO TELL THAT YOUR DOG IS A REPUBLICAN

10. Acts irrationally nervous around Haitian immigrants

9. Doesn’t appear terribly concerned about the long-term consequences of raising tariffs

REPUBLICANS DON’T CARE IF TRUMP DID IT

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… I don’t know if the fabled flight logs to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island will ever revealed to the public.

But there one thing I can tell you: if Donald Trump’s name is on it, Republicans will be fine with it.

P.O.P. QUIZ
(Political Orientation and Perception)
Summer 2025 Edition

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… 1. What are some recent examples of fascism?

🔵: Apprending migrants at will and deporting them without a trial, attacking the press, thumbing your nose at the judiciary and ignoring the Constitution

🔴: Pandemic-related emergency measures such as shutdowns and vaccinations

TEN LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FAILURE OF DONALD TRUMP’S BIRTHDAY PARADE

10. This is what happens when you purge the Armed Forces of LGBT people

9. Threatening authoritarian control over multiple U.S. cities is probably not the most effective way to win friends 8. When organizing a parade of this magnitude, make sure that there are no other events competing for the public’s attention such as nationwide protests from the millions of Americans who hate your guts

HONESTY IN MESSAGING

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… ZELENSKYY: We need America’s support in protecting Ukraine from Russian aggression

TRUMP: I’m the President, So Fuck You

ZELENSKYY: Why are you being so antagonistic?

VANCE: Trump’s the President, So Fuck You

ZELENSKYY: That somehow went even worse than I expected

A PURELY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… TRUMP: I should be allowed to shoot Democrats

D: Jesus, the man’s a dangerous lunatic

R: He’s obviously trolling you! 🤣 And you fall for it every time

TRUMP: I’m just saying, the Democrats clearly want me dead, so I should be able to shoot them in self-defense

TEN THINGS DEMOCRATS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SAY TO TRUMP VOTERS WHO ARE GRAPPLING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DECISION

10. Well, who could have predicted that handing the country over to a pathological liar incapable of admitting he’s ever wrong could have led to such a shitshow 9. If the Democrats really thought all of those tariffs were such a bad idea, I’m sure they would have said something about it before the election

8. Look, splitting hairs over the precise definition of “insurrection” is well within the boundaries of political debate

TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY TRUMP CALLED FOR A 90-DAY PAUSE ON SOME OF HIS TARIFFS

10. Belatedly realized how much cooler it would be if “Liberation Day” synced up with “Independence Day”

9. They caused so much winning that America was actually getting sick of it 8. There were concerns that they might make the border wall too expensive

7. Trump was hoping to return to the days when he was only the second-most deeply-loathed member of his administration

TEN POTENTIAL MAGA EXCUSES FOR THE CRATERING U.S. ECONOMY

10. The squishy vibes-based numbers coming from Dow Jones & the NYSE are subject to manipulation from the Fake News Media, whereas the Consumer Confidence Index is driven by cold, hard data and is looking far more upbeat 9. What about that time Joe Biden unilaterally declared tariffs on dozens of countries for no good reason

8. The flightless waterfowl who live on the Heard and McDonald Islands of Antarctica clearly are not paying their fair share

TEN POSSIBLE REASONS CHUCK SCHUMER HAD TO POSTPONE HIS BOOK TOUR

10. Security unable to handle enormous crowds of enthusiastic well-wishers

9. Too many venues unable to correctly spell “Capitulator-in-Chief” 8. Schumer physically exhausted after spending all week flagrantly ignoring the wishes of his constituents

7. No way for FBI to know which party is responsible in the event of a bomb threat

TEN THINGS TO WATCH FOR DURING TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. You like gloating? Get ready for lots of that shit

9. As a response to the bird flu-related lockdowns, Trump will demand that farmers unmask their chickens and send them back to school 8. Every sitting member of Congress will deliver an oral presentation explaining to Chairman Musk what they accomplished last week and how they made the U.S. government more profitable

DEMOCRATS: Don’t touch the hot stove

VOTERS: (touch hot stove) AAAAAH!

DEMOCRATS: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT

VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters 👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove

👱🏻‍♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?

TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ELON MUSK’S SALUTE AT THE TRUMP INAUGURATION

10. Was awkwardly trying to high-five Donald Trump from several hundred feet away

9. It was a signal to America’s farmers that they officially had the go-ahead to collectively lower the price of eggs 8. Had just swatted a fly that landed on his chest and was trying to aggressively flick it away from his palm

7. Who among us doesn’t fire off a couple of spontaneous “Sieg Heils” when we’re giddy with excitement

TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT SAY DURING HIS SECOND INAUGURATION ADDRESS

10. He’ll wish a happy birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King, the tireless activist for racial justice who is remembered fondly by all now that he is dead 9. Will express disappointment that Michelle Obama could not be there, as the steam coming out of her ears would provide the rest of the crowd with some badly-needed warmth

TEN TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES OF A PRESIDENT BEING LEGALLY DECLARED A “CONVICTED FELON”

10. Endless opportunities for trolling Republicans currently under the blissful delusion that their President won the electoral vote, the popular vote, and won’t have to spend a day in prison 9. Increasingly tedious reminders from CNN commentators as Trump gathers both houses of Congress for his State of the Union addresses

8. Lively online debates with single-follower MAGA accounts as to whether Convictions In Name Only really count as felony convictions