When Trump dies, it’s gonna be like Henry Kissinger, or maybe Rush Limbaugh. The headlines will read WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE DIES. Sober-minded journalists will struggle to think of anything positive to say about the man while the masses rejoice and celebrate. JURY SELECTION AT THE TRIAL OF THE WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE

LAWYER: Do you have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole?

🔵: How could I not have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole

LAWYER: Thank you for your time

TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP KEEPS NODDING OFF IN COURT

10. Another day, another felony trial

9. It’s difficult to follow discussion of complicated concepts like “fraudulent bookkeeping”, “seditious conspiracy”, and “election interference” 8. Not nearly as enjoyable or personally validating as watching FOX & FRIENDS

7. Having trouble remaining alert without his customary 14 Diet Cokes in the morning

TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP WOULD WANT TO ATTEND HIS SON BARRON’S HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION EVEN IF IT WEREN’T A CONVENIENT EXCUSE TO DELAY HIS TRIAL

10. Deeply regrets having missed all four of his other children’s graduations for no particular reason 9. Wanted a status update on that baby Melania was taking care of while he was having sex with Stormy Daniels

8. Well-heeled parents who can afford prep school might be able to lend him money

GOP: Time to pick a SCOTUS judge who will rule against abortion

HERITAGE FOUNDATION: Please select any of our fine candidates

GOP: We’ll take that one

HF: OK

(Senate Hearing)

DEMS: Can you tell us how you feel about abortion

GOP: HOW DARE YOU IMPOSE IDEOLOGICAL LITMUS TESTS D: The GOP is trying to make abortion illegal

R: SILLY DEMOCRATS! 😂 The Supreme Court only overturned Roe v. Wade to allow the states the freedom to decide for themselves

D: But you are describing the “freedom” to prevent other people from having them

R: That’s the best kind!

A MESSAGE FROM THE RNC

RNC: In keeping with Republican campaigns of yore, we have worked tirelessly to court our conservative base! Now that the nomination is all wrapped up, it is time for our customary Pivot to the Center to demonstrate that we are a Party for all Americans… TRUMP: The China Virus was a nothingburger that the Democrats amplified to make me look bad and masks were tyranny and Fauci is an idiot

RNC: Trump was instrumental in Operation Warp Speed, a government initiative to develop vaccines faster

R: I have just been alerted to a thing involving a trans person, and am now indescribably furious about it

D: Why?

R: Trans people make me indescribably furious because they groom children into believing what they do is normal

D: How do they do that

R: They exist in public R: National Trans Day of Visibility makes me indescribably furious because the woke mob made sure it would be on the same day as Easter

D: But National Trans Day of Visibility is always on March 31st & Easter lands on a different day every year

R: Doesn’t matter; trans people

TEN REASONS FOX NEWS BELIEVES THE FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE COLLAPSED AFTER A BOAT CRASHED INTO IT

10. Shoddy construction by filthy anti-war hippies in the early Seventies

9. An act of terrorism by unhinged left-wing college students who were presumably anti-Semitic 8. We’re spending too much money helping Ukraine and not enough money making sure boats don’t crash into bridges

7. The woke mob wants to cancel American patriot Francis Scott Key for being a pro-slavery coloniaist who enabled white supremacy

JAMES: Donald Trump owes the State of New York half a billion dollars

LAWYERS: Our client does not actually have half a billion dollars

TRUMP: I assure the public that I really do have half a billion dollars

FOX: This brilliant master strategist always keeps the media guessing RNC: Please donate to Trump’s campaign and/or slush fund, ideally sooner than later

R: Which of those am I donating to?

TRUMP: Whatever

R: I hope Trump becomes President again, because we need a Republican to save the economy

R: Illegal immigrants are invading America and the woke mob is indoctrinating students and drag queens are molesting children and the Democrats are just letting it happen

D: Trump said that if he lost, it’d be a “bloodbath”

R: Well, that’s just a hysterical overreaction R: Democrats are ignoring the context of Trump’s words

D: You mean the fact that he lost the last election, refused to admit it, tried to strongarm election officials in multiple states and tried to pressure his own Vice-President into overturning the vote?

R: Not that context

⭐️ SUNDAY MORNING ⭐️

CNN: When Trump said “There’s gonna be a bloodbath if I lose”, did he mean that literally or metaphorically?

ABC: It’s possible he was just talking about the auto industry

MSNBC: Or maybe he wasn’t! FOX: Trump’s remarks are simply part of a long tradition of Presidential candidates referring to metaphorical “bloodbaths” if they lose

OANN: I’m pretty sure Al Gore warned of a bloodbath to the environment

NEWSMAX: And Hillary Clinton said “deplorables” that one time

Donny stole some documents
He knew he wasn’t s’posed to take

When caught, he blamed the FBI
And said the charges all were fake

Then there were indictments
Charging Trump with a conspiracy

To overturn the vote count
And deny the Biden victory

🎵

https://twitter.com/bookslater/status/1768314460270399763

Once he claimed his properties
Were worth more than they really were

He called Georgia’s election board
And tried to act as saboteur

Then he gathered up a motley crew
Of white supremacists

To occupy the Capitol
And act as insurrectionists

🎵

TEN WAYS THE APPOINTMENT OF LARA LEA TRUMP WILL IMPACT THE RNC

10. The RNC may run interference for Donald Trump slightly more slavishly than before

9. Anyone calling her singing voice “godawful” will be formally prohibited from holding elected office 8. Provides the RNC with a young and vigorous champion of their empirically terrible goals

7. Republicans have been underperforming in every election since 2016, which is clearly a result of “Not Enough Trump”

WHY PEOPLE SUSPECT TRUMP’S NEUROLOGY IS WORSENING

10. Seems to have abandoned sensible conservative policy proposals such as finding Obama’s real birth certificate and locking up Hillary Clinton 9. While giving a detailed explanation of the Articles of the Constitution, inexplicably mixed up Supreme Law (Article VI) with Ratification (Article VII)

8. Described Kamala Harris as a totally unlikable monster who is currently on the short list for the Republican VP position

Have you ever thought about all of the problems that would be solved simply by minding your own fucking business

https://twitter.com/emlwaters/status/1760820483103019048

IT’S TIME TO PLAY: IS THIS AN EMERGENCY?

CNN: It is possible that some frozen embryos are wasted when women can’t use them all for IVF

🔴: This is a four-alarm emergency & we should shut down the IVF clinics

🔵: Maybe people should just get over it and mind their own business

CNN: Trump was ordered to pay $355 million in his civil fraud trial

🔵: This proves that Trump is a liar and a criminal and simply cannot be trusted

🔴: This proves that the Deep State will stop at nothing to prevent Trump from becoming President NYT: Trump was found liable for sexual assault and was ordered to pay his victim $83 million in damages

🔵: This proves that Trump is a disgusting predator who forces himself on women

🔴: This proves the Deep State will stop at nothing to prevent Trump from becoming President

THE POLITICS MECHANIC MEETS THE DISCONTENTED VOTER
Round Two

😐: So let’s talk about Biden

👨🏻‍🔧: Okay

😐: I’m as anti-Trump as they come, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy with everything Biden’s doing

👨🏻‍🔧: And that’s okay 😐: So why does everybody jump down my throat every time I say something bad about him

👨🏻‍🔧: I think you know why

😐: Yeah, yeah; Trump would be worse. We all get that

👨🏻‍🔧: I should hope so

In the last 24 hours, the Republican nominee for President announced that he would build internment camps for the mass military detention of illegal immigrants and not just tolerate but encourage Russia to attack other NATO countries that weren’t paying enough for defense The biggest problem with the previous statement is that we have collectively become so numb to Trump’s horrifying insanity that it’s just gonna be Another Day in the Life of Trump and will be swept off the front page by The Super Bowl Commercials That People Are Talking About

TEN WAYS REPUBLICANS WILL ATTEMPT TO COUNTERPROGRAM TAYLOR SWIFT’S RELENTLESS PRO-BIDEN PROPAGANDA

10. Candace Owens will embark on a lecture tour of college campuses & explain to young people that everything the mainstream media says is a lie & only Donald Trump tells the truth 9. Nikki Haley will take to the streets with her message “VOTE FOR TRUMP! Oh, and By the Way I’m Running Too”

8. Kid Rock and Aaron Lewis will co-headline a summer tour with the tagline “Not Swift. Not Even Close.”

TEN ALINA HABBA EXCUSES FOR WHY SHE LOST TRUMP’S COURT CASE

10. Donald Trump’s reputation as one of the most loathsome humans on Planet Earth interfered with the jury’s ability to judge him fairly

9. She was fighting COVID that whole last week, so she was kinda off her game 8. Our two-tiered system of justice ensures that there is no way for a former U.S. President and current frontrunner for the 2024 Republican nomination to get a fair tral in America

7. Habba’s law degree from Trump University clearly did not impress the judge

EUROPEAN UNION: We approve crickets & mealworms as food items

PRAGER: THE LIBERALS WANT YOU TO EAT BUGS!

EU: Wait, that’s not—

CARLSON: WHAT? THE LIBERALS WANT US TO EAT BUGS? THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!

EU: I swear, these people

GREENE: I JUST HEARD THE LIBERALS WANT US TO EAT BUGS! MASSIE: THE LIBERALS WANT US TO EAT BUGS!

HANNITY: HOW CAN WE STOP THE LIBERALS FROM FORCING US TO EAT BUGS?

D: But

WATTERS: THEY’LL NEVER MAKE *ME* EAT BUGS!

D: Nobody is forcing anyone to eat bugs

INGRAHAM: THAT’S JUST WHAT A BUG-EATER WOULD SAY!

Welcome to life in 2024, where the lion’s share of what passes for political discourse consists of Explaining Extremely Obvious Things to People Who Refuse to Listen - Three years ago, Donald Trump convinced an angry mob to storm the Capitol Building and disrupt the certification of President Biden. Republicans are now rather dismayed that Trump’s culpability for this event appears to be interfering with his plans to run for President again.