DEMOCRATS: Don’t touch the hot stove

VOTERS: (touch hot stove) AAAAAH!

DEMOCRATS: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT

VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters 👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove

👱🏻‍♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?

TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ELON MUSK’S SALUTE AT THE TRUMP INAUGURATION

10. Was awkwardly trying to high-five Donald Trump from several hundred feet away

9. It was a signal to America’s farmers that they officially had the go-ahead to collectively lower the price of eggs 8. Had just swatted a fly that landed on his chest and was trying to aggressively flick it away from his palm

7. Who among us doesn’t fire off a couple of spontaneous “Sieg Heils” when we’re giddy with excitement

TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT SAY DURING HIS SECOND INAUGURATION ADDRESS

10. He’ll wish a happy birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King, the tireless activist for racial justice who is remembered fondly by all now that he is dead 9. Will express disappointment that Michelle Obama could not be there, as the steam coming out of her ears would provide the rest of the crowd with some badly-needed warmth

TEN TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES OF A PRESIDENT BEING LEGALLY DECLARED A “CONVICTED FELON”

10. Endless opportunities for trolling Republicans currently under the blissful delusion that their President won the electoral vote, the popular vote, and won’t have to spend a day in prison 9. Increasingly tedious reminders from CNN commentators as Trump gathers both houses of Congress for his State of the Union addresses

8. Lively online debates with single-follower MAGA accounts as to whether Convictions In Name Only really count as felony convictions

TEN NOTEWORTHY REVELATIONS ABOUT THE “ADRIAN DITTMANN” ACCOUNT

10. Is deeply offended when anyone in his orbit slips up and calls X by its former name “Twitter”

9. Has repeatedly expressed support for deporting immigrants except for the white ones who come from South Africa 8. When a disgruntled Twitter user said he was switching to Bluesky, Dittman mused that he could easily buy them out for a mere billion or two

7. Has called Elon Musk the most selfless, handsome and brilliant philanthropist genius of our era who also has touched real boobs

Welcome to life in 2025, where the lion’s share of what passes for political discourse consists of Explaining Extremely Obvious Things to People Who Refuse to Listen - The terrorist in the New Orleans attack was an American citizen & a veteran of the U.S. Army. He was not an illegal immigrant, and this attack had nothing to do with the “border crisis.”

- Trump lies about that kind of thing all the time, but his supporters simply do not care.

TRUMP VOTERS SPEAK OUT

👷🏻‍♂️: I am a desperate construction worker who was recently laid off from my job. So I’m sure you can all understand why I voted for the gloating vindictive high-school bully who truly hates immigrants 👩🏻‍🦰: I am a suburban homemaker with three children who is struggling with high grocery bills. Therefore, it made the most sense to go back to the racist conspiracy theorist who demands credit for everything good and never accepts responsibility for anything bad

🔴: Trump won because voters believed Kamala Harris was focused more on transgender issues than helping the middle class

🔵: That doesn’t mean Kamala Harris was focused more on transgender issues than helping the middle class

🔴: It doesn’t matter 🔴: Trump won because voters believed America was being invaded by migrant criminals swarming over the border

🔵: That doesn’t mean America was being invaded by migrant criminals swarming over the border

🔴: It doesn’t matter

TEN MORE WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING

10. Express relief that they were able to safely arrive at Thanksgiving dinner without being attacked by lawless migrants terrorizing the suburbs 9. Ask them to explain in their own words how raising tariffs on virtually all imported goods will lower prices and help the economy

8. Find out if they’re still pretending Trump isn’t going to use Project 2025 or if they’ve moved on to gloating about it

TEN WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING

10. Ask them which appallingly offensive and insultingly unqualified member of Trump’s cabinet is their favorite 9. Try and get a sense of how they of all people thought they were more informed and intelligent than the scientists at the CDC

8. Ask them if there any downsides to being a callous and willfully ignorant person who glibly lies to themselves every day

TEN POTENTIAL SILVER LININGS OF A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

10. Come January, the President of the United States will have nothing but great things to say about our economy

9. No more endless media speculation about whether Biden is too old or incoherent to lead the country 8. Police presence required to arrest & deport illegal immigrants may keep them too busy to attack nonviolent protesters

7. Several dozen of our most objectively terrible Republicans will no longer be our governors or Congressmen

TEN POSSIBLE REASONS PEOPLE MAY NOT WISH TO SOCIALIZE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP

10. They stubbornly choose to disregard the other allegedly admirable characterstics of people who also chose to inflict an incoherent authoritarian quasi-fascist on the rest of us 9. Clearly they are sheltered snowflakes who can’t handle simple differences of opinion as to whether roving gangs of Haitian migrants are eating house pets or whether women are choosing to slaughter babies after they are born

WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN?
The Experts Weigh In!

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… 👷🏻‍♂️: Kamala Harris shouldn’t have acted so condescending to the white working-class voters who believe that Donald Trump is telling the truth and everyone else in the world is lying

A MAN IN NEED

Donald Trump is a bottomless well of need. He is not merely the neediest President of all time, but he is thirstier for approval than any public figure in American history.

New blog post: ⬇️
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… Even when Trump was elected President, it was not enough to satisfy him. He had to be the greatest President of all time, with the highest approval ratings who won re-election in a landslide.

Heaven forfend!

https://twitter.com/rawstory/status/1852436033486360837

WHAT TRUMP’S STAFF TELLS HIM WHEN HE ASKS THEM WHY WOMEN DON’T LIKE HIM

10. Times have changed, and women no longer find wealthy and successful men with rugged good looks and thick, lustrous heads of hair attractive anymore

A SMOKE-FILLED ROOM AT RNC HEADQUARTERS

🙎🏻‍♀️: God, Trump’s been going off the rails

🙍🏽‍♂️: He’s been babbling like a crazy person about complete nonsense

🤷‍♂️: They’re eating the dogs”? “They’re eating the cats”? Jesus

🤦🏻: And he’s so obsessed with people leaving his rallies early 🙍🏽‍♂️: Can you believe he just stood there dancing for 30 minutes?

👩🏻‍🦰: I did not have “Arnold Palmer’s Dick” on my Bingo Card

🤦🏻: I’m sorry, but Trump is out of his goddamned mind

🤷‍♂️: How is this guy gonna make it until Election Day?

TEN GOP EXPLANATIONS FOR THE TRUMP RALLY AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

10. Maybe if you liberals weren’t such sensitive snowflakes, you’d appreciate jokes about Puerto Rico being a big pile of garbage 9. Nine days before the election, we just wanted to focus our valuable campaign resources in the vital swing state of New York

8. It was very helpful for Dr. Phil to explain that Trump is better at debating than anyone else, as people would have no way of knowing this otherwise

TEN POSSIBLE REASONS JEFF BEZOS HAS REFUSED TO ENDORSE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

10. Too much difficulty comparing the qualitative differences between the somewhat left-of-center California Democrat and the fascist pathological liar who tried to sabotage the last election 9. Didn’t want to risk conservatives branding the Washington Post as a tool of the liberal establishment

8. Saw Kamala Harris’ task force on Worker Organization and Empowerment and broke out in a cold sweat

TRUMP: Immigrants are turning America into the world’s garbage can

D: Trump sounds like a fascist

R: You can’t say that

D: Why not

R: Because 74 million of us voted for him last time

D: I don’t follow R: Are you seriously suggesting that millions of your fellow Americans are FASCISTS?

D: Yes

R: Hmm, I really had expected that to be more of a mic drop

THE POOP-FLINGING MONKEY AND THE DEATH OF MERITOCRACY
(rejected title: “Origin of Feces”)

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease… While Trump was President, it dawned on me that there was nothing he could possibly say or do that would dissuade his followers. Their praise was independent of his actions or their consequences. “The economy’s doing great!” “He’s more popular than ever!” “Take THAT, liberals!”

TEN PROPOSED ONE-LINERS TRUMP REJECTED FOR HIS APPEARANCE AT THE AL SMITH MEMORIAL DINNER

10. I just walked onstage and drank a glass of water, & boy are my arms tired

9. So a liar, a racist, & a convicted felon walk into a bar, and the bartender says “You again, Steve Bannon?” 8. I was going to stand here and just rattle off a list of people I don’t like, but I’ve been told that being insulting and combative might hurt my chances of getting elected