Thread by @tomiahonen

My fellow Russians

My quick & easy three day war into Ukraine has now run for six months. We lost the battle of Kyiv, their capital & largest city. Then we lost the battle of Kharkiv too, their second largest city. We lost the battle of Snake Island abandoning all our gear there

The largest warship on the Black Sea, our Navy flagship, the mighty missile cruiser Moskva was sunk. And sunk by an enemy who does not operate a navy. The commander of our Navy has been fired. All remaining Russian warships from our naval base at Sevastopol have bravely fled away

We lost more warplanes in one day at our airbase in Crimea than any day ever in any war in Russian history, and these were not lost in combat in the air. They were destroyed sitting like ducks lined upon the tarmac. Our remaining air force has bravely abandoned Crimea

All of our Russian tanks have turned out to be death traps. Their turrets are prone to explode, with unfortunate results to the tank crews. One tank regiment was so furious about this war, they ran over their own commander with a tank. Rest assured, he was buried with his legs

We had a whole regiment or our own troops irradiated by their own commanders by inhaling radioactive dust digging trenches at the Red Forest of the site of the Chernobyl nuclear accident. These men have lungs that now glow in the dark. I gave their commander a medal for bravery

We have retreated so much since March, that one third of the terrain we once held in Ukraine has already been handed back to Ukrainians. In the words of my pet & sex toy, Donald Trump, I call this unconventional form of military maneouvering: 'winning'

In the past six months so far we have lost 45,000 Russian soldiers. That is more than we lost in ten years of our failed war invading Afghanistan, and the two long wars in Chechnya, plus in fact all other wars as well like Georgia etc, since the Second World War, combined.

We have not just lost warplanes, tanks, ships, and soldiers. We also have lost Generals. So many generals have died, that I have lost count. I believe it is about 14. To help make winning this war even easier, I have myself fired another 6 Generals commanding this war

The one thing Russia never, ever wanted to happen, was for NATO to expand, especially near our border. And I am proud to report, that thanks to my glorious 3 day war invading & pillaging Ukraine, both Finland and Sweden are now eagerly joining NATO.

As you can see, my 3 day war into Ukraine has been a tremendous success. I want to tell you about our next phase in this war, which will be even more glorious

I want you to send your sons or husbands to die in Ukraine. I can promise you their equipment will be rusty relics..