So my friend called me this morning to talk about something that happened to her last night. She’s been trying to find someone to date…extremely casually. She doesn’t have time for a full blown relationship and basically all she wants is a nice man to have sex with.
There I said it.
So she matches with a guy on Tinder. Great. And they set up a date for Sunday, so far so good. Now her first mistake is not telling him from the start that she just wants a nice man to have sex with, so he sends messages. Many many many messages.
How is your day going? How are your meetings? How are you feeling?
This is bad. Why? Because she’s basically Michael Douglas walking into that diner every minute of every single day. Bitch has to do gant charts and pivot tables. SHE DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR CHIT CHAT.
Again, she hasn’t managed his expectations well but let’s see what happens…
He wants to do a video call before their ‘date’. Fair. She could be hideous or a Tory so it’s what I would do. Problem is that she’s busy. SHE IS A BUSY WOMAN. They don’t find time to call before the scheduled date so it gets pushed. Then, last night he messages her…
“Free to chat?”
She looks down at the Tupac t-shirt she’s wearing and decides yes, yes she is free to chat and dressed appropriately for seduction.
They jump on a call.
“Hey!”
“Hi, nice to meet you finally!”
He is naked.
Completely naked.
Help me understand, you message a women and agree to meet for coffee in the afternoon over the weekend. You want to have a video call with her before the date, presumably to verify whether you find her attractive. When that call happens, you decide it’s better to do it naked?
He has positioned the camera so that he appears much like Rose in Titanic but instead of a glorious bosom, he presents a thatched chest that has the potential to hold back Russian forces for 6 months minimum. His legs are casually thrown over the side of the bed…
And his penis looks “like a 10 day old lonely saveloy, placed in the middle of a cheeseboard, that’s smothered in salmon terrine”
Excuse me.
She has two options
1. Call out his absurd nakedness because none of their interactions have remotely dipped into the realm of sexy thus far
Or
2. Go with it. She doesn’t want a husband, just orgasms and silence
Readers…she went with it.
It’s at this point that I want to let you know that my friend is a scientist. She thinks like a scientist. She behaves like a scientist. I am the only person in the world she likes.
Her asks her to take her clothes off.
“Why?”
“Come on!”
*she looks at her Tupac t-shirt*
“Are you a Biggie fan?”
I am dead.
“Take it off, I want to see you”
“It’s cold”
“Take it off”
“No”
She snaps and decides she is NEVER taking it off and the more he insists, the more she wants to smother him to death.
Then he asks her to get her laptop. EXCUSE ME? HE wants her to get the laptop so she can show him all the angles of her body 🙄. Now if you know my friend, you know that he lost her at “can you get…” because AIN’T NOBODY MOVING if life is not in imminent danger.
She refuses to get the laptop and he starts to get a little frustrated. But not enough to not start masturbating.
Yes. Oh yes. He is now touching himself.
Him: I want you to choke
Her: On what?
Him: Choke
Her: *she feigns the sound of choking but like she’s choking on broccoli*
He doesn’t understand why her choking is extremely dramatic or why she’s using a knife and fork
He tries to get this shit show of a sex show back under control
Him: I want to see your tears
Her: Sorry?
Him: Cry, I’m going to make you cry
Her: How?
Him: By going so deep
She responds the only way any sane person would in such a situation…
1. Commando roll off the bed. Camera is a phone so it looks EXTRA action shot-ey
2. Pretend you’re eating fistfuls of broccoli
3. Cry but like one of those clowns from the circus, cry like you’re explaining crying to an idiot
Repeat.
He stops touching himself.
She looks at him, breathless, not in a sexy way, in the her lung capacity is shit way because we spend all our time smoking and eating pizza.
And then, just when you think there is no way you could ever love or respect a man such as this, he pulls out…
“I’m disappointed in you”
OH MY GOOOOOD.
“You’ve really made no effort” he tells her, as though she’s 5 years old and has failed to reproduce Michelangelo’s David with a tin of spam.
She takes a moment then whispers “fuck you, weirdo” before hanging up.
I am cry laughing. I am cry laughing so hard.
Fin.
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