Introspec: I feel detached from life. I have zero passion for anything. Even though I can draw. Cut hair. Play sports. Or my former past time hobby video games & chess is no longer apart of my life. I haven't seen my father, friends, or family members in years on over 8 years.
Drifting apart from things that gave you an identity and purpose feels like you are slowly being erased. As if you are fading into a void. Why is this happening? I have no desire to reconnect with anyone besides my father. I stopped responding to birthday wishes on Facebook. Why?
Because I know all communication would start & stop there with no real follow-up. There is no real genuine connection there. I used to hang out alot. Malls, Clubs, Strips, Movies, Parties, etc. None of this gets me out of the house anymore. Everything feels simulated.
As if I abandoned a routine. Or a programming. As if I have become unplugged. Sometimes I will be days before I respond to messages from women I met on and offline. It's like my sense of urgency is gone. You know...that pull you feel to get back to someone in a timely manner?
Before they feel as though you are not interested enough to keep in touch so you ensure to them that is not the case by replying at a appropriate time to maintain that initial attraction. I no longer have that gung-ho get up about me. It's like I'll get to it when I get to it.
My gospel as a man sense I coming into the realization that fronting to be something you are not will have you ending up being nothing you never were. Which to me should be marked on a tombstone. For a while I walked around with barb wire around my heart to guard my spirit.
The last time I saw my friends was from a heated basketball game. I was so infuriated with how things were going I threw the ball across the fence cursed up a storm walked off and told all of them to suck a d*ck with my middle fingers in the air. I was just drained of patience.
Facing the world alone away from the noise or hustle & bustle is liberating & intimidating. We all will have this day at some point. The "Dark Night Of The Soul" is Inescapable. Deprogramming comes with mental imbalances as you try to navigate things that go against the machine.
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