They don't make managers like Neil Warnock anymore.
He gave team talks naked, cut his players' toe nails and picked the team based on his wife's dreams.
So by all means enjoy this thread, but "enjoy it by being fucking disciplined"...
Our story begins in the late 80s, when a young Stan Collymore walks into the Notts County dressing room.
He finds manager Neil Warnock on his knees, cutting his players' toenails.
A trained chiropodist, Warnock fixes a few bunions as he guides the Magpies to the top flight.
In 1999, Warnock takes charge at his boyhood club Sheffield United.
On a team bonding trip to a bowling alley, he convinces the players to put £20 each in the pot for a winner-take-all game.
He then pulls out his own bowling shoes and custom ball, shoots 250 and takes the cash.
A few years later, Warnock guides the Blades to the final four of both domestic cups.
During a heated League Cup semi-final, he yells at Liverpool's big-nosed assistant Phil Thompson:
“You can fuck off Pinocchio, get back in your fucking cupboard.”
There's more controversy in the Battle of Bramall Lane.
Trailing 3-0 after 3 red cards, they suffer 2 convenient injuries.
With the Blades down to 6 men, the ref is forced to abandon the match.
Warnock denies cheating and complains he's accused of "more crimes than Bin Laden".
Around this time, Neil develops a habit of giving post-match bollockings while stripping naked for a shower.
But he puts his tackle away when documentary cameras arrive in 2004.
The film captures some famous speeches, like: "You've got to fucking die for 3 points".
His side ignite an unlikely feud with Arsenal after repeatedly clashing with Arsene Wenger's side in the Cup.
Luckily Neil knows how to prepare for them.
Ahead of an FA Cup tie with the Gunners in 2005, he tells his squad: "Enjoy it. But enjoy it by being fucking disciplined".
Back in the league, a trip to Millwall descends into chaos when Kevin Muscat headbutts Sheffield United's keeper.
Defender Phil Jagielka has to go in goal, but they still win 2-1.
As Millwall leave the field, Warnock tells each of them: "Serves you right for Muscat".
The win takes them to the brink of promotion to the Premier League, and Neil reminds his players it's a game of fine margins.
"It might be a knob end in 91st minute that wins it," he tells them.
They go up, but are relegated the following season, and Warnock moves to Palace.
The night before an FA Cup replay in 2010, Neil's wife dreams that a full-back will score the winner.
Warnock heeds her prophecy and picks second choice right-back Danny Butterfield up front.
The players are horrified, but Danny scores a 6 minute hat-trick in a 3-1 win.
Warnock is less charmed by the filthy antics of Blackburn's El-Hadji Diouf:
"You could see what a nasty piece of fish he is," he tells Sky.
"I called him a little sewer rat but that might be a little bit harsh on the sewer rats."
One year later Warnock signs Diouf for Leeds.
He falls out with his fellow managers too.
In 2018, he's irritated by Wolves gaffer Nuno Espirito Santo's celebrations and refuses to shake hands with him.
Nuno follows him around the pitch while Warnock ignores him, turning round occasionally to bark "fuck off".
He's dishing out more silent treatment when Chelsea beat his Cardiff side thanks to a clearly offside goal.
As the officials gather on the pitch after the game, Neil stands a few feet away, staring them down.
Even the cameramen aren't safe.
He later explains: "I just had a camera pushed in me face so I thought I’d do it to him."
When Covid strikes, Neil is unable to sign autographs or pose for selfies.
Now managing Middlesbrough, he fills his bum bag with signed photos and hands them out to young fans.
These days Warnock is semi-retired, although he did pop up in February to rescue Huddersfield from relegation.
And he insists he doesn't want a minute's silence when he's gone for good.
"I want them to be chanting 'Warnock's a wanker' over and over again".
If you enjoyed this, you'll love our "sex and violence" special on Ronaldinho.
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