Thread by @mykola

Hey, you -- yeah, with the ADHD and the cool projects! You know how all of those projects are, like, 80% done? And how you can't figure out how to get them over the line? And how frustrating that is?

The following thread contains an infohazard, proceed at your peril! ;)

I am going to share with you the framing that allowed me to finally make sense of this.

As I understand it, ADHD is characterized at least in part (and someone please bounce some science off this?) by a specific difference in the dopamine release process.

(All of this stuff is to my knowledge theoretical, and probably more complex than I'm making it sound, but the model that helped me is this:)

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that allows you to feel a sense of reward, satisfaction, well-being, etc. It motivates people.

For people who do not have ADHD, dopamine is released *at the moment a goal is accomplished*.

"Doing the thing" is intrinsically motivating for them, in a fundamental way. It provides them with a form of well-being that is as natural to them as oxygen.

Think about that.

But. For people who do have ADHD things are a bit more complicated. There are various ways to frame this argument, but the one that I tend to prefer is just: we seem to get dopamine from satisfying curiosity rather than completing goals.

Think about that.

Depending on which kind of person you are, really think about what it would be like to be the other kind of person.

If accomplishing goals brings you intrinsic satisfaction, imagine what life would be like without that. What would you *do*? Why?

Now, everyone who has ever rolled your eyes at the idea that ADHD is a disability, ask yourself this:

Have you ever once thought about what it would feel like -- really *feel* like, subjectively, in your body, in your qualia -- to be motivated by curiosity over completion?

Modern life consists of *tasks*. A never-ending series of clearly-defined simple-to-achieve Things. To. Do.

Not problems to solve, questions to answer, ideas to have, dances to learn, or universes to imagine.

Tasks. To complete.

It's not simple to pay a bill. It's not simple to call a support line. It's not simple to mail something to something. It's not simple to do any of the billion simple things we are each expected to do every day.

And if you have ADHD, there is no reward. Only lack of punishment.

Think about that. ADHD people who heal their trauma and their relationship to panic and anxiety and shame *suddenly find themselves unable to do their jobs or focus on their responsibilities*. Why?

Because fear was all that was motivating them. They have to relearn how to want.

And the worst part is that not only do you spend all of your time doing this endless series of tasks.

The worst part is the opportunity cost. All of the things you don't get to learn, the questions you don't get to ask, the thoughts you don't get to think.

So, I told y'all that there was an infohazard in this thread, and it's this.

Let's go back to that trail of half-finished art projects. Do you know why you didn't finish them?

Because there's nothing more there for you to learn.

That's it. Why *would* you finish them?

Your projects are your way of asking the universe a question, and then digging and digging and digging until the universe answers.

You are motivated by curiosity, and that is a blessed gift, not a source of shame. Your unfinished work is the testament to your growth.

Those aren't abandoned projects -- those are the remaining scaffolds from the the space ships that they launched.

It was never about finishing the thing. Forgive yourself for that.

But. If you ever really want to finish a project? Here's the info-hazard.

You can only use this trick once. Once you use it, you will have used it, and it will not work again. It may in fact make it even harder for your to focus on completing tasks.

You can finish a project by getting curious about how it'd feel to push through and finish a project.

(It feels pretty good!)

But once you know, you know. So like. Be careful!

And be kind to yourselves! <3

(Hey, to everyone learning they are ADHD from this thread. Congrats! Stimulants are optional but if they help they can REALLY help.

The real question you should be asking yourself now is, am I also autistic? Most ADHD diagnosticians won’t even screen for it, don’t know how.)

So here, if this thread hit you over the head this essay will land the knock-out blow if it hits.

coda.io/@mykola-biloko…

Oh, wait, wow. This could be it.

Competing with yourself is a way to generate curiosity about anything, isn't it?

Let's drop some mindfulness on this thread.

But not mindfulness in the way that NT people explain it. Let's look at what mindfulness means to the ADHD mind, and how we *really need this skill actually.*

Also: in this thread I have a sort of jokey (but real!) piece of advice, that you can (one time) push through a task using curiosity.

But read the replies and other comments from many people sharing their (very real, replicable, powerful!) alternative strategies.

Everyone reeling from the discovery that you were only motivated by fear and now have no idea how to motivate yourself, let me just say this here in one place:

Your inner child knows.

Ask them to remind you how to play, which is the natural and default state for ADHD brains.

(also: when an NT person says "I'm bored" and when an ADHD person says "I'm bored" they are not referring to the same experience.

You can't even compare them.

ADHD boredom is agony in a way you don't understand.

An NT analog, umm, a checklist where each item is impossible?

"Wow Myk your insights are so insightful and the way you are able to reframe these experiences is almost magical. I wish I could ask you about specific things!"

Hey, shucks, that's very kind, you're going to make me blush. I do offer Autism/ADHD coaching. Book a session using...

...one of the two links provided here: myk.pub/lets-talk-51

Listen. I talk to a lot of underemployed ND people with no money, so I make free coaching available. Use that 30min link with no hesitation!

But. If you can afford it? Please use the paid 60min link.

The steady drip of these comments reminds me that AuDHD and ADHD are not the same.

I am AuDHD (autistic and adhd), and each informs the other in interesting ways.

A LOT of AuDHD folks use each to compensate for the other - going undiagnosed for either.

ADHD compels me to break out of every structure *just to see what’s on the other side*.

Autism compels me to deeply understand things, and act in harmony with the systems I perceive.

These two are *constantly in tension*. I both need routine and CANNOT develop it.

But.

The flip side is a rudimentary set of checks and balances.

My autism cannot pull me all the way down into the weeds, my ADHD will not tolerate or allow it for long.

But my ADHD cannot pull me into every random impulse, my autism needs time to change gears.

So it’s… balance.

And like, let me just make it explicit:

“Autism” and “ADHD” are the names of *constellations* that share 60% of the same stars.

The names, the constellations? Those are stories. They aren’t “not real” but they’re not the point — the stars are.

Let’s keep it rolling, this is a great question. If the above is what ADHD is like, how do stimulants help?

I don’t know the science. But subjectively: the first time I tried vyvanse I sat on the sofa and thought “that’s comfortable”. And NOTHING ELSE.

Vyvanse and other stimulants don’t change the dopamine release loop.

What they seem to do is make *whatever you’re currently paying attention to really interesting*.

Stimulants seem to make literally anything capable of sustained curious attention. Even if you aren’t learning.

So like. They’re not a magic fix for executive dysfunction or the inability to finish tasks.

But, they make it easier to stay focused on what you’re focusing on. (Yes: you have to learn to aim it, or you focus on your phone all day.)

Why does that help? Because for many of us…

Part of “motivated by curiosity” means “feel compelled to answer all the questions that occur to us”.

It means “huh why did that just make me sad?” can catch your attention and send you into a spiral.

If we are hyper focusing on one thing, we don’t hear the Q’s as urgently.

So stimulants make you focus on whatever you’re focusing on so hard that your brain stops creating (or you stop noticing?) questions that would otherwise constantly be distracting you.

The urgency is replaced with a sort of… it’s like you can’t look away from X but it’s ok?

Oh. Lol. How did I never actually connect this. When I lived in DC I would e.g. hyperoptimize my walk to the subway every morning by trying to decide when to cross in which direction.

remember thinking "I wonder if anyone else plays these little games".

Follow-up thread here about your relationship to your body, and about identity, and about the ways we lose the latter when the former is destroyed by lack of childhood support - even from the best-meaning caregivers.