Surprise stabbings. Crazed stalkers. Broomsticks up bums.
Neymar's life is like a Netflix drama.
From punching Parisians to bankrolling his dad's orgies, welcome to ludicrous life of football's biggest wrong'un...
2013: Neymar's dad is tucking into an orgy with several prostitutes at a swanky London hotel.
The gang bang is a sweetener in the €86m deal taking his son from Santos to Barcelona.
According to Santos' president, Neymar won't sign until the orgy is complete.
At Barca, Neymar forms a glorious partnership with Suarez and Messi.
But after a few years, eagle-eyed fans notice he's always mysteriously injured or suspended on 11th March.
For 7 of the next 9 seasons, he spends that date boozing at his sister's birthday party in Brazil.
The pair are unusually close. They shared a single bed as kids and have tattoos of each other's faces.
So when Ney finds out she is dating his old teammate Gabigol, he hits the roof.
In a fit of rage, he tapes over Gabigol's face in a poster on his bedroom wall.
In 2017, PSG splash out €222m for Neymar. After 2 years of trophies and tarte tatins, things turn ugly.
Following defeat to Rennes in the French Cup final, one of his own fans tells him: "learn to play football".
A furious Neymar loses his cool and punches the man in the face.
And there's more chaos in his private life.
When Neymar's mum hooks up with his 22-year-old friend Tiago, he's thrilled for the happy couple.
But the tabloids reveal Tiago is bisexual and has also shagged the striker's private chef and personal assistant.
Neymar goes beserk.
On the phone to friends, he brands Tiago a “little faggot” and they discuss shoving a broom handle up his arse.
Unfortunately, one of his pals leaks the audio online.
An LGBT campaigner reports Neymar to police, accusing him of wanting homosexuals to be "impaled alive".
One year later, the campaigner files a lawsuit against Neymar.
He claims the striker's entourage beat him up and robbed him after he turned down a $350,000 bribe to drop the complaint.
"I only wasn't killed because the gun didn't go off", he says.
The lawsuit goes nowhere.
It kicks off a very weird 2021 for Neymar.
He unveils an unusual new haircut and jokes on Instagram about drinking his own jizz.
When a crazed evangelist catches wind of this habit, he scales the walls of Neymar's mansion to "heal him".
His bodyguards tackle the mad preacher.
There's more bloodshed when Neymar's mum and her toy boy Tiago head to Cancun for a romantic mini-break.
Their candlelit meal is ruined when 3 thugs burst into the restaurant and stab Tiago in the neck.
“I almost died" he sobs in a hastily shot video, before she dumps him.
A relieved Neymar returns to his true passion: seshing with Instagram hotties.
His sleep-deprived neighbours report wild, all-night parties.
The local mayor brands him "prodigiously annoying" and says he "doesn't give a toss".
Neymar hits back: "I will not stop partying".
He's not much more popular at PSG.
Kylian Mbappe is caught on tape complaining "that tramp doesn't pass to me".
And an insider tells the press: “Neymar hardly trains anymore. He arrives in a sorry state, almost drunk. Neymar is in a spirit of revenge against PSG."
With friends in short supply, you'd hope he's at least loyal to his girlfriend.
But Brazilian press claim the couple have an "understanding" that he is allowed to cheat if he follows 3 rules:
1. No prostitutes
2. No kissing on the mouth
3. Wear a condom
Modern love!
Back on the pitch, he'll still do anything to win.
During a pre-season friendly in Japan in 2022, the cheating toe rag wins and scores a penalty thanks to this absolute piss take of a dive.
And there's more spot-kick drama a few weeks later...
When Mbappe misses a penalty, Neymar's had enough.
They win a second, and he grabs the ball, refusing to let Mbappe take it.
In the dressing room, the pair come to blows.
They scream abuse, clash heads and throw kit at each other before their teammates drag them apart.
When the World Cup rolls around, Neymar's excited to see teammates who actually like him.
But when crazed striker Richarlison strips off and reveals a tattoo of Neymar's face on his back, he's a bit freaked out.
According to reports, Neymar offers him £26k to get it removed.
After yet another Champions League disappointment this season, the PSG ultras turn on Neymar for good.
They boo him every time he touches the ball, even when he scores.
And they march to his house chanting "Neymar, fuck off".
Never a dull moment...
If you like South American party animals, you'll love our special on Maradona's wild time at Napoli.
From plastic penises to cocaine in the Pope's bathroom, this is the story Netflix won't tell you.
Read it here:
upshot.email/p/diego-marado…
Share this Scrolly Tale with your friends.
A Scrolly Tale is a new way to read Twitter threads with a more visually immersive experience.
Discover more beautiful Scrolly Tales like this.