Thread by @thecoachkessler

Let’s talk about suicide and depression. Let’s normalize these conversations by opening up dialogue with those in our circles. And let’s intentionally show up for each other in whatever ways we can.

2014 was the year I almost didn’t live through.

I had lived in Colorado for a few months before coming out to friends and family for the first time, falling in love for the first time, and trying to figure out which spaces were safe and which were not.

I carried a deep secret and constant anxiety in most social settings.

One month, I kept breaking out in hives because I was so anxious. They were all over my body - palms of my hands, soles of my feet - everywhere. And the external misery was nothing compared to what was happening inside.

My emotions were turbulent and anxiety & depression raged.

Depression tells us that it will always feel like this - that nothing could ever shift enough externally to calm our internal storms or weaken the agony.

Anxiety tells us no one will understand and everyone is judging us. It keeps us alienated and fearful.

There were days I would lay in bed, sleepless, deep in depression and grief and numbness.

I could not cry, I could not pull myself out of the moment, I could not ask for help.

I prayed that a semi truck would crash into my car and end it all.

I could not eat solid food.

I had no will to eat, no energy to make decisions about what food to buy, no energy to physically put food in my mouth.

I drank almost exclusively smoothies for a month or two and lost too much weight.

And I hid how bad it was from most people in my life because I was afraid they would draw the wrong conclusions about why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

I was afraid they would prescribe solutions instead of offering their presence.

One afternoon, I was at the peak of my anxiety. The family I was living with didn’t know I was gay and I was sure I would be without a home as soon as they found out.

I left work early, in a blind panic, and called my therapist for an emergency session. She was not in.

When I got home, the woman whose home I lived in was outside. We’ll call her Nancy.

She asked if I was okay - my face was probably white as a sheet and my eyes were red. I shook my head.

She asked if I wanted to talk, so we went out to the backyard.

As I started talking, tears and snot and pain spilled out of me as I shared everything. The loss of people during the coming out journey, my secret relationship with a woman, being afraid I would be asked to leave by sharing everything.

I believe what she did next changed the trajectory of my story.

“Nancy” got up out of her chair, came and sat in my chair with me, and held onto me as I shook with sobs.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

My isolation began to be invaded with empathy and presence and love. Although I would still slump low, someone asked about me, invited me to share dinner when I couldn’t possibly eat, and opened their home to me in more ways than one.

If you experience depression and anxiety and need medication to ameliorate the symptoms, I highly recommend meds. @emmykegler has a wonderful thread about that.

If you are the friend or family member of someone who experiences depression and anxiety and/or has contemplated suicide, the best thing you can do is *show up* and ask questions and meet tangible needs and sit with your friends in their lowest moments.

I’m so thankful I lived through 2014. Each year, although not free from depressed lows, has been better and better.

But I would not be here if it were not for (1) my therapist, (2) the friends and family that really showed up for me, and (3) de-stigmatizing convos re:depression.

Let’s keep having these conversations.

If you’re in that deep low place, I so encourage you to text or call someone. Tell them how bad it really is. Give them the opportunity to really show up.

You are so freaking worth it.

If you see someone in that place, be there. Get them connected with a mental health professional. Invite them over for dinner, let them crash with you, hold onto them.

Let’s be there for each other, y’all. Let’s de-stigmatize depression and anxiety.

Depression is not your fault.
Anxiety is not your fault.

You are not alone.