Let’s make some red beans and f***en rice. Good news, ordinary assholes: Here is a recipe that is tasty AF and that you can complete, start to finish, in less that 45 minutes. Follow along in this thread. 1/
Step 1: acquire all these ingredients, plus some of your favorite hot sauce, provided that your favorite hot sauce is Frank’s Red Hot. Note: the thing in front of the Tony Chachere’s is a f***en shallot but you can use a quarter of a red onion instead. 2/ 
It’s time to discuss one of these ingredients. You’ll note I’m using canned beans here, and I can hear the screaming about that all the way from Nawlins. Listen, the best thing about beans is that they are little f***en flavor sponges. 3/
The goal of red beans and rice is to make your red beans taste like a paste that tastes as much like salty pork as possible. So traditionally, you soak dry red beans in salted water over night then simmer them for two hours with ham hock. 4/
Let’s be honest: If you were capable of this level of planning ahead in your life, you would not be getting recipes from strangers on Twitter. So we are using canned beans, and it’s gonna be fine, because we’re gonna make them taste like pork paste anyway. 5/
Step one: chop a rib or two of celery, a green pepper, and your shallot. Mince a couple cloves of garlic and put that s**t in a bowl, because we’re about to use the one cutting board your hopeless ass owns to cut raw meat and we don’t wanna die today. 6/
Next brown some uncooked andouille sausage in a skillet. If your grocery store is legit they may have this in the meat section; if not you may have to brave the disapproval of Ron Swanson and go to Whole Foods. It will be worth it. We really need the juice so don’t use cooked. 7/
Don’t worry about getting this all the way done. We are gonna finish cooking this later. Just get it brown on both sides and make sure you can’t see any pink. Remove to a plate WITHOUT A PAPER TOWEL. 8/
Chop up some super thick cut bacon. Again, depending on your local Kroger, you may have to brave the freaks at Whole Foods to find this. 9/
Toss those bacon chunks in the pan you browned the sausage in. Once again we are cooking bacon in sausage grease. Someday I will give you a reasonably healthy recipe, ordinary assholes, but today is not that day. Watch the pork grease accumulate. 10/
Using a slotted spoon, remove the bacon from the pan. Pour in the juice from the sausage that has accumulated on the plate you let them rest on. Dump in your veggies all at once and let em cook for a little less than five minutes. 11/
While that is going down, drain and rinse your canned red beans. Cut your sausage into disks as narrow as you can handle. Maybe chop a fistful of parsley. Or don’t; all life on earth will end someday anyway. 12/
Dump everything in the pan except the bacon. Add the parsley, some dried sage and thyme, about a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar, and as much hot sauce as you want. Bring to a simmer on low. 13/
Stir all that together. Bitch about how i got that dumb Simon and Garfunkel song stuck in your head. Measure out 2.5 cups of chicken broth in a pot and bring to a boil. Drop 1 cup rice and a tbsp of butter in. Simmer, covered, for 20 mins. 14/
Occasionally stir the beans mixture. Is it getting dry? Add a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and stir. When there’s 10 minutes left on the rice, dump in the bacon. Stir. 15/
By this time, your beans should really be more “beans” than beans. There are some partial bean husks in there and you can vaguely discern that there used to be beans, but mostly it’s becoming the porky paste we want. Keep simmering, damn you. 16/
Ding! When the rice is done, fluff with a fork, put it in a bowl, and scoop some beans/sausage mixture over it. Drink with your favorite beer and try to pretend you aren’t sweating. What happens tomorrow on the crapper is nobody’s business but yours, friend. 17/
Uh, addendum. Way back on tweet 13, that’s when you wanna add a tablespoon of the Tony Chachere’s. My bad.
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