So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
They were in a cardboard box. And I cut the tape and opened the box and SURPRISE! Crickets everywhere. It was the middle of the workday and I didn't have time to deal with cricket logistics, so I put the tape back on the box.
And then I put the box in the upstairs bathroom, the only semi-contained place in the house where I knew the kids and the cats and the dogs wouldn't be able to get at the box and tear it open and unleash 250 hungry crickets into our warm, semi-humid environment.
About 20 minutes later I'm back at work on my computer, and I hear my wife in the kitchen: "where are these goddamn crickets coming from." I freely admit I had not kept her fully up-to-date on my cricket purchasing plans.
And at first I was like "okay, maybe one or two got out when I initially opened the box. No biggie." I kept working.
With the benefit of hindsight, this was a mistake.
I'm trying to wrap up a story but I keep hearing cricket-related exclamations coming from the kitchen. Eventually I get up to investigate. I say, "So uh the crickets got here toda--"
I say "That's a good question. Let me check something." I walk over to the bathroom. I open the door. There are crickets. Everywhere.
Crickets on the floor. Crickets on the walls. Crickets in the sink. Crickets in the toilet.
For some reason my first instinct is to flush the toilet, as if that will do anything to solve the problem of crickets in all the other places that were not the toilet. I shut the door. "Uh, don't come in here!" I try to sound cheerful.
Apparently I had not sealed the box shut as well as I should have. I ended up rushing out to the shed, in the 18" of snow and below zero temperatures, to pick up a spare aquarium we had. I spent about 45 minutes collecting crickets from the bathroom.
Of course by this point many had migrated elsewhere. They were in the closet. In the shoes. Making their way downstairs to the playroom. The cats were having what I can only imagine was the greatest day of their lives.
I tried to collect all of them. It was like the world's shittiest game of Pokemon. But here we are, roughly 10 hours after the initial catastrophe, and stray crickets are still turning up in odd places.
I make this information public because if I do not send any tweets tomorrow, it is because my wife murdered me after finding a cricket in our bed in the middle of the night.

And that's the news from Red Lake Falls.
Good afternoon everyone.
I'm pleased to report that I'm still alive, and that my marriage is still intact! You all had so much fun with this that my editor made me turn it into a story, which I present to you here, as a sort of director's cut of this thread.…
To all you monsters who demanded photos of the infestation: believe it or not, while a horde of crickets was marauding through my house I did not think to whip out my phone and start snapping pics
I mean, can you imagine?
Me: This is tremendous content, where's my phone
But I'm glad you all enjoyed our suffering, we've been laughing our asses off at your responses all day which almost makes it all worth it. To my new followers, I look forward to disappointing you in 2019.

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More from @_cingraham

Feb 10
lol. "A supporter of former President Donald Trump who said authorities should root out voter fraud is among five people who were charged Thursday with voter fraud."…
Anyway these all seem like a bit of a stretch. The "fraud" alleged is filling out a voter registration with a PO box address rather than a residence, and these are mostly people who live out of RVs. Criminalizing people for trying to vote is bad.
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Read 5 tweets
Feb 9
This is incredible. Mayor: "If you then allow ice fishing with shanties, then that leads to another problem: prostitution." Gotta find out where this guy goes ice fishing.
"six to eight people." The sheer depravity of it all.
Footloose reboot, but the teen (Timothée Chalamet) moves from northern Minnesota to small-town Ohio where he attempts to overturn the ban on ice fishing instituted by the censorious mayor (Benedict Cumberbatch)
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Jan 23
Between this and Gingrich’s comments today, it’s clear that “using the judicial system as a cudgel against my perceived enemies” is increasingly one of the pillars of modern movement conservatism
Meanwhile the supposed defenders of democracy are running heroic profiles of the most rabid proponents of these views
It’s okay though because the press has its eye on the big picture: the people trying to stop fascism are, actually, just as bad as the fascists themselves Image
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Dec 17, 2021
It's been a shit week so The Why Axis' paid subscribers get a special treat today: cat data!…
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Read 6 tweets
Dec 8, 2021
As the guy who originally made this chart I periodically get asked to update these numbers, which only go through 2014. So it brings me no pleasure to report the following: Cops are still taking more stuff from people than burglars do…
One thing that needs clarifying: the figures in this chart are *federal* only. State cops take a lot of stuff too, although probably not as much as federal. We don't really know, because states are all over the place in how they report this stuff.…
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Nov 17, 2021
The more I think about this the more egregious it gets. The paper of record letting its flagship podcast be sponsored with a message of blatant climate misinformation during a major climate summit. I would love to know what @mikiebarb makes of this
My guess is he has no idea who's running ads on any given day, because that's how it usually works with this stuff. The industry tells itself that this strict wall of separation is sufficient, but to a reader it's all part of the same package.
My general assumption is that a place like the Times or the Post has stricter ad standards than like, Infowars or whatever. And that they won't try to sell me brain pills or scams or flat-out lies.
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