Thread by @imteddybless

I’m watching Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time. I’m not sure how long I’m gonna last but I’m excited.

The lead character is the simultaneously the wettest and driest woman i’ve ever stumbled upon. Oh god AND she just stumbled for real. right into this mans office. something horny is about to happen. She’s got a cardigan on. i’m absolutely frothing

Christian Grey looks like a long baby in a suit. I thought this man fucks. this man doesn’t fuck

of course he does charity in “africa”. whereabouts in africa babe? oh doesn’t matter? cool. he’s fucking wet and all. hate him

he just handed her a pencil. that’s a metaphor for that they’re going to fuck later i bet. i took a film module at uni

she’s gone outside and it’s raining and she’s getting absolutely soaked. that’s a metaphor for [secret police yank me off the stage]

main character (forgotten her name gotta wait til someone says it again) is having a tuna sandwich. fuelling up for 2 hours of shagging i imagine. excited for that part

they’ve given her a quirky old-times car. that’s smart. means she doesn’t need a personality. time saver

he’s at her work in some kind of horrid knitwear. give this man a shell necklace and an eyebrow piercing you cowards. that’s a man who fucks

he’s buying DUCT TAPE, CABLE TIES, ROPE. girl ive listened to enough true crime podcasts to know this isn’t looking good for you. she’s too horny to be suspicious. her choppy fringe is stopping her from seeing the truth

he’s just arranged a second meeting for her to take photos of him ?? get a selfie stick you chump. she’s studying for her finals and working in B&Q. ugly.........,

they asked him to smile for the photo and he did this.... petty king

they’re on a coffee date... controversial. it’s not going well. we’re 19 minutes in and there’s been no s*x. shocked, upset, hurt.

ok so he’s just dumped her (fair enough. probably cardigan related) but now is sending her dusty books. confusing. it’s like when you sleep with a guy and he doesn’t call but likes all your instagram pics... mixed signals baby

“these are first editions...i can’t accept these” bitch yes u can. sell them and go on holiday. get a neck tattoo. live your life

they want us to believe that this intelligent adult woman wants to bang this paternalistic boss baby. “have you been drinking? go home right now”. women don’t like men like that. women like men who can juggle. who wrote this shit

she’s thrown up on him. that’s called girl power. ladies am i right ladies

i thought he said he had a butler (exciting) but he actually said brother (boring who cares i have 2)

for a “horny film” this film has been 0 horny. there’s been a total of zero shags but 1 (one) mention of necrophilia. an impressive tally

he’s taken his top off. hope there’s some shaft and titties soon. sorry i was hacked etc. etc

oh my god how exciting it’s the meme scene. “my tastes are very singular”
“enlighten me then”
and then it’s just a fucking room full of teletubbies memorabilia. i love that meme

“i’m not gonna touch you until i have your written consent” but you will stalk an adult woman to a bar, scold her for having a drink and sleep next to her in bed when she’s passed out. definitely has “i’m not a feminist im a humanist” in the tinder bio

oh in the next scene he’s grabbed her and necked on with her. doing lots of heavy breathing into her face. don’t like that

exciting development. just seen the side of a man’s bottom. very spicy stuff. can only imagine it’s all cock and balls from here on out 🤞🏼

cowardly of the makers of this film to include a minutes-long helicopter scene but no butt stuff. sick and tired of the hollywood agenda

“i don’t make love, i fuck. hard” jsjsjffkkkkhhhghhjjj. my god. the dick energy is.... small

i’ve lost many followers doing this thread which is how i know it’s important. no artists are appreciated in their own time. van gogh babe i understand u

oh sweet birthday baby i don’t think it is. i don’t think ! it ! is !!!

this is EXTREMELY me designing a house in the sims. mortimer goth is shaking

i was hoping it was just a regular games room with a lone suction cup dildo gently swaying in the breeze. this is some home makeover grand designs work. love that

she’s having some doubts. she wanted a nice bonk in a comfortable bed and then maybe a korma and pilau rice in front of a sitcom. this is a bit much

i know that you lot think Jamie Dornan fucks but... i dunno guys. he’s a lovely looking man but i just don’t see him with a riding crop in hand. he’s boss baby

oh my god...... shes never fucked. that’s the twist. the cardigans were a sign

he loves that she’s a virgin. very red flag. this guy absolutely reads Jordan Peterson

they’re about to do it now and honestly i’m not even interested. he’s taking off her very sensible brown trousers and i couldn’t care less.

they’re doing an erotic scene so i’m going to get a glass of wine. no wait. there’s a nipple. i’m sitting tight.

her titties stay pointing up when she lies down.,,,, interesting. unrealistic but interesting. wonder what that’s like....

he’s about to enter her... yes. now he’s in. 44 fucking minutes in and finally.,, penis is in. i know how those nasa guys must have felt now

we have penetration BY GOD we did it. we did it

very pert bum has Jamie Dornan. good on him. good lad. been doing his reverse squats

she’s woken up after sex and he’s playing the piano. normally when i wake up they’re playing xbox so this is not very plausible. can’t relate at all.

you can’t look at me and say this character has not killed before. he’s a strangler

i like the progression from actual dialogue to “tity cupping” and “heavy breathing”

he had her all naked and tied up and his mums bloody turned up. this does not happen in porn. actually no it probably does

he’s like every horny woke guy i’ve ever met. doesn’t want to do the stuff she’s into but very insistent on his needs being met. no offence but it’s fight in sight for me and christian grape

he’s just told her it was a horny older woman who introduced him to sex. now she hates horny older woman. this isn’t girl power. the spice girls didn’t die for this

he’s bought her a new computer as an apology for being so horny. i wish all the men online who were horny at me would be so kind. just one woman’s opinion

okay so there’s a sex contract that says she can’t drink, smoke, take drugs or do anything reckless. 1) no way can that be legally binding 2) imagine giving up cigs and skydiving for a light spanking from a billionaire. no thanks. eat the rich

“the submissive will eat regularly from a prescribed list of foods” so just a regular abusive relationship ok. ok

imagine in the year 2019 letting a man tell you that you can’t eat spicy doritos anymore. sick and also wrong.

if she does one more scandalised gasp or nervous head tilt i’m going to hoof my laptop out of the window. go to the asthma doctor babe this isn’t normal

excited to announce that the horny movie has made me never want to shag again.

he just put some ice into her minge and i felt.., nothing. sex doesn’t trouble me anymore. i feel a sense of peace.

what is he saying? “that’s a hell of a sack miss steel” ?? hell of a sack???? why

they’re doing a business meeting in a dimly lit room which i object to as a short sighted woman. we exist

forget that. she just said anal fisting. excited to see where this goes.

dream dead. there will be no anal fisting. or vaginal fisting either. RIP u will live on forever. Really cant believe this. @

she just asked “what are butt plugs” as though the answer isn’t in the name. it’s like asking what are leg warmers. an idiot...

this verbal commentary has not stopped since the film started

the billionaire just his goal was to eradicate worldwide hunger. he’s jeff bezos with abs don’t fall for it ! he’s elon musk with a big dick

her real dad and her sex dad are meeting. it’s very awkward. i love it

i’m having a martini this film is insufferable. it’s gross but not in a good way

this is a film about a very bad and boring relationship which has occasional spankings. not worth it babe. steal all his nice soaps and bail

how is this film 2 hours long. that’s hobbit territory. back off horny movie. you don’t need all that time

he just plaited her hair for her in the MOST dad way ever. you know what it’s like when your mum was too busy and your dad had to do your bunches. shocking.

it’s another sex scene and 1) she’s got a chronic wedgie and that’s distracting 2) i’d be fuming if a man did my hair rubbish and then expected me to feel sexy. giving me 45 minutes and some ghds and we’ll talk

i hate this film i hate this stupid film

you see a hint of shaft at 1hr 30. the very top of the penis. at this point i feel nothing though

wait... is it the top of the penis or bottom of the penis where it joins with the body. that’s a question for scientists

“hearts and flowers.., that’s not something i know” big red flag. just gotta go into the shop and buy some flowers hun. not rocket surgery

i hate everyone in this film i hate the christian grape he does NOT leave the submissive lizard alone.

i’m doing lunges around my room. bored of the whole ordeal. ready for the film and also my life , to end

these two people hate each other and love to be miserable. truly the straightest romance

how am i meant to believe this billionaire just asked for a bombay sapphire G&T when he gatecradhed his girlfriend and her mum. lock this man up

he’s taken her in the LONGEST and most embarrassing plane. imagine ur mates seeing you in that plane. you’d just be sick

slender man looking plane. daddy long legs looking plane. stretch armstrong looking plane mr tickle looking pla

side note: he keeps his jeans on for a long time during EVERY sexual encounter they have. is this movie sponsored by JNCO ?? christian grey waiting for you in the red room like

was just wondering how this film was gonna have a happy ending in the next twenty minutes but apparently there are TWO. MORE. fed up xoxo

this is a great film about how two sexually incompatible people stay together because ???? ??? ??????

he’s doing a big spanking on her now and she doesn’t like it. skipping this part. i hate him i hope he chokes on his horrid gin

she’s leaving him for acting exactly the way he told her in a LEGAL document he would act. i know there are following films where they will absolutely get back together but i’m pretending that this is how it ends. RIP forever horny stupid film

i’m tired. i’m broken

probably won’t be tweeting again. the film was bad guys. it wasn’t good.