Thread by @imteddybless

Right I’m starting “Fifty Shades Darker” because I clearly just love to suffer. I’ve forgotten almost everything that happened in the last one which is probably a good thing. My brain expunging itself of all that is unholy. Amen. Let’s go

film begins with a gritty flashback. a man just screamed at a woman and called her both “a silly twit” and a “stupid fucking bitch”. the men in this film are so friendly!!!!!

Christian Grey appears to have grown up in London during the blitz. His dad is dressed like the Fonz and is not a nice man. This movie is going to try and make me feel sorry for CG but I won’t do it

there’s our girl Anastasia Steele! she’s got some lippy on and some kind of shoulder pad. good for you hun. not a cardigan in sight

he’s bought her flowers which is such a cop out for any man but especially for a billionaire. buy her a fucking space diamond or a hover car. when will men learn that women don’t want flowers. they want nunchucks. fucking moron

oh she’s gone to work and a HANDSOME MAN is there. not that one. a new one. he has the face of a teenage arsonist and the hair of a dracula. I absolutely hate him which means she’ll probably fall in love with him any minute

horrid new fact: she takes her tea “weak” and “black”. 1) revolting 2) makes zero sense. no milk but it’s somehow strong? ? how dat? is that one dunk of the bag and then it’s finished? sounds like my ex husband ha ha haaaa

btw a horrible coldplay cover has been playing this whole scene. i didn’t tell you because i didn’t want to upset you but i can’t keep it from you. it’s that one about yellow. i think it’s called yellow

why does she talk like a cartoon duckling? you’ve been railed in the sex dungeon babe you’re beyond this

she’s at a gallery which seems to be displaying only default computer screensavers. dell desktop originals. it’s horrid. that’s a mouse mat

Christmas Grape is here! He’s being immediately creepy and the worst. he just bought six (6) enormous photos of her face. imagine going to his house for afters and there’s just her heed everywhere. horrid.

he’s just asked if they can go somewhere private and talk. She said no. good lass. stand your ground. you’ve stated your boundaries and oh nope now she’s going with him off they fucking go

they’re doing horny whispers at each other in this nice restaurant. imagine paying $20 for a small starter and then these two come in and start rutting at the next table. rotters

my cat just came over and screamed at the screen. me too Obi me too. but we have to see this through. we promised the internet. at least 9 people will read this. it’s bigger than any of us

fucking hell the big shock at the end of the last movie was that they broke up. we’re exactly 12 minutes in and they’re back together. straight people are sick

she’s always doing these demure little coughs and he loves them. she needs a lozenge and a restraining order

I have surgery tomorrow so I can’t drink through this one which is probably why i’m already so fucking fed up of it. (I’m getting the surgery not performing it. It’s nothing to worry about and will definitely be less painful than this

ooh teen dracula from earlier is her BOSS. his name is JACK. he’s AWFUL. He’s 110% going to try and finger her at the bar he’s just invited her to

every man in this film is in love with this woman. she’s beautiful, demure and seems to have zero opinions. is this where i’m going wrong?? i’m always yelling and telling men to shut up. maybe they don’t like that

Crinoline Grape just turned up at the bar where she’s with her boss. the two men are doing cross faces at each other. just KISS you fucking cowards. kiss EACH OTHER

right so he’s turned up, done a big frown and now they’re leaving together. did the writer just google SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE and then CTRL-C ?? this is fucked. also she didn’t even get to have her pint. what a waste. rip gone but not forgotten xx

“he wants what’s mine” fucking hell mate she’s a person she’s not your property. she’s a wet lettuce and she’s my enemy but she’s still not yours. i hope he chokes on a liquorice

SHES JUST CUPPED HIS PENIS. NOT A DRILL. SHES JUST CUPPED HIS WHOLE PENIS. oh now it’s over and they’re chopping veg together. this film cuppeth a penis with one hand and taketh it away with the other

he’s buying the company she works for. get a fucking hobby dude. if you love someone then you let them flirt with their coworkers in peace. i think it was Rumi who said that and I think it’s just beautiful

She just approached him from behind and he freaked out. he’s like a horse in that respect. also I don’t trust him, much like I do not trust horse

I think some shagging is about to commence which will be a sweet relief from them talking to each other. you hate each other and make each other miserable!!! rub your crouches together and put a sock in it

she’s told him that it’s no more whipping and chains. it’s vanilla sex. he just gave her oral sex for exactly 16 seconds. I rewound the film and counted. generous bloke. buzzing xxx

and now to the penetration. let me reiterate again: this man does NOT fuck. he’s literally still wearing his jeans while he’s inside her.

He just told her makes $24,000 dollars every fifteen minutes??? and she’s not even bothered. girl we have to redistribute that wealth! smother him in his sleep and drain his bank accounts. comrade steele!!!!

he’s picking her out a new hairstyle because of course he is. i wouldn’t let a man pick a bug out of my eye. that’s MY bug and i’m saving it for later

he has a LITERAL binder of women. do we remember that. from the past

they’re all his “crazy ex girlfriends” because again, of course. this is a horror film about a wealthy white dude who seduces vulnerable women and pushes them over the edge.

they’re doing an intimate scene about how troubled he is and I refuse to be a part of it so i’m going to get a mint aero until it’s finished

those are my boundaries !!!!!! fucker

he’s taking her to dinner at his parents house and he’s trying to put stuff in her bum. inappropriate for a lasagne at mum and dads I’d say

he’s got rich parents! I didn’t know this. he’s a Kylie Jenner of buying airports or whatever he does. fucking ghoul

they’re at a masked ball for children of parents with addictions (serious. sad. important) and she’s full of sex toys (inappropriate. not okay. not what the children need right now)

someone just bid 19 grand for a week long holiday. are rich people idiots?? yes

they’ve left the ball to spank each other in a spare room. he’s doing a kind of flat handed punch and it’s even less sexy than when they were choppin veg earlier. this man DOESNT fuck. he’s never fucked and never will

he’s left his trousers on for all of their sexual encounters so far. red flag. what’s on those legs boi???? huge kermit the frog tattoo? what’s happening down there bro

there’s a picture of his dead mother on the wall and surprise surprise she looks just like her

this bit is boring so i’m doing stretches. gonna get so buff if i keep watching these movies. strong enough to go in the TV and kick christian grey’s body clean off

They’re on a boat now and it’s even worse than when they’re not on a boat. on land and on water these two fucking idiots are the worst

teen dracula is back and he’s being snippy and rude I guess because she didn’t let him finger her in that pub. not to be dramatic but i hope he dies in hell forever

she’s creeping around his house. if she doesn’t stumble across at least nine dead bodies then she’s not trying hard enough

they’re about to have what I believe is known in the biz as “some kinky sex”. he’s strapping her to some sort of medieval clothes line. fascinating stuff. i wonder if he’ll take his chinos off this time (he absolutely will not)

kinky sex so far is 1) tity grab over clothes 2) four seconds of oral sex 3) doggy style (trousers ON). I must be an absolute deviant it’s the only explanation

do you think if I have some fish sticks it’ll make this less sexy or more sexy? i think more sexy

she’s kneed blonde dracula in the crotch (he was also a Very Bad Man) but agreed to move in with her horrid controlling boyfriend. girl! so close!

Luckily I’ve taken my contact lenses out so they’re all just irritating blurs. my blood pressure is returning to normal.

they’ve given her Dracula’s job! she’s Dracula now! a feminist hero xxx sorry for everything I said earlier sweetie I love you xxx

she’s taking off her pants in the middle of a restaurant. these two don’t know how to behave in public and i’m absolutely sick of it. let people enjoy their risottos in peace you maniacs

I think he’s just put his f*nger in her butt in the l*ft. crikey

he touched her for about 7 seconds and then told her “don’t come”. alright calm down magic hands don’t think there’s any danger of that. unless her vagina is turbo charged I think we’re all safe

Ah! There’s an intruder in her house! Finally something is happening! an hour in and they’ve finally remembered to do a Plot!!!

it’s a small brunette woman with a gun who also used to shag the same horrible man. if only she’d put down the gun I think they’d get on great. stop wasting your time on this weird man ladies and do a sudoku together

Chrysler Graham burst into the apartment to save her (boring) and is now petting the intruder on the head like a puppy (odd). But we got at least 45 seconds of plot there lads and that’s not to be sniffed at

It’s a sad slow-mo walking in the rain montage so I’m just letting her get on with it. I’m having a mars bar. It’s delicious. I wonder if it would nice if I microwaved it. Sound off in the comments.

her make-up and hair and still totally perfect after 3 hours in torrential rain. sometimes I just think about sneezing and my mascara runs. rude

I need to sit these two down and have a discussion with them about healthy and unhealthy attachment patterns. And also flush their heads down the toilet

it’s NOT romantic when a man doesn’t let you do things or calls you his property. it IS romantic when a man leaves you alone to watch your TV shows in PEACE and QUIET

they had a big row after his ex tried to shoot her (fairly valid I’d say) but now he’s asked her to marry him and I think she’s going to say yes. he’s a long toddler and she’s a fringey fucking idiot. I’m absolutely fed up with them both

“oh don’t mind me hun just doing some of this” WHAT IS THAT YOU FLAT WEIRDO

pommel horses are only for old timey boxing gyms where men smoke cigarettes and punch each other OR primary schools. nowhere else

oh god his helicopter is crashing. this film is 2 hours of weird trouser sex and bickering and then 2 minutes of PURE ACTION. FUCK. i’ve never felt so alive

rita ora (from singing) is here which is totally unsurprising. of course she is. she says Christian will be fine. cos “you know Christian”. yeah i do. he’s the worst guy rita ora from singing!!! the very worst!

anyway he actually was fine in the end which is disappointing. his head is all inexplicably covered in dirt but he’s alive. i think the helicopter must have crashed into some Dirt when it went down. nobody seems to think he needs to go to a doctor

now they’re putting ice cubes in and on each other. you were just in a whole helicopter crash probably go to the hospital? maybe? dunno

this noise is the finest moment in the franchise so far. no contest

also yes this film is one hour and fifty seven minutes long(er than it should have been)

rita ora of singing is good in this. rita ora of singing..... and acting. thanks

anastasia steele of WEARING CARDIGANS has just swilled a horny old woman. im shocked and proud and honestly a little bit turned on

now the woman on the left??? she fucks. she wears the trousers and she also takes them off. make a film about her you cowards @hollywood @nasa @BarackObama

there’s so much [sighing] and [sighing softly] in this film. stop sighing so much and get an asthma check

the film is in its death throes. thank GOD. it’s almost over. we’re almost free my friends. we’ll be changed and life will never be quite as peaceful again but we did it

The final twist is that naughty dracula from earlier (who got fired for being a naughty dracula) is BACK and I expect he’ll be wanting some revenge in the next instalment. he’s smoking a cigarette so we know he’s a Baddie. until then... goodbye friends