Thread by @Vulajin

Two weeks ago at #RPGLB2019 I talked during the finale about some of my past experiences and how my own mental health has affected RPG Limit Break, an event which I cofounded and for which I have been tech coordinator since the start. Here's a longer version of that story. 1/?

Let's start in 2013. I had been working at Cryptic Studios for just over 4 years, doing all sorts of cool stuff as a server/infrastructure programmer. It was a job I loved and had a ton of passion for. Early 2013 was our last-minute crunch to release Neverwinter. 2/?

A lot of major issues came up as we drew close to Neverwinter's launch, and I jumped on every one I could. I was often described as "crit spec" when it comes to productivity - low most of the time, but by god when it came down to wire, I would blow everyone out of the water. 3/?

Have you heard of "hyperfocus?" Basically, I'd be working on one problem, and be so consumed with the work that I wouldn't want to leave or go home. Once done, I'd search for the next one to work on. At home, I'd still be thinking of work. No one demanded this of me. 4/?

In all, I worked literally every day of the first four months of 2013. Every weekday, every weekend. You would not believe how many things I got done. A coworker and I literally rewrote a proprietary database system to be threaded. Neverwinter's infrastructure worked great. 5/?

Please note two things. First, this is not an example to emulate. Work-life balance is vital. Second, this was never asked of me or pressured upon me by superiors. My hyperfocus was so powerful that they were actually asking me to take days off. *I* wanted to continue. 6/?

So I went to my brother's wedding in May that year, finally taking days off. Eventually Neverwinter shipped and the hyperfocus broke. And then...I was kinda lost. Kinda really lost. I wasn't sure what to do, and although there were tasks to get done, I felt listless. 7/?

Something else happened in early 2013. A friend linked me to Awesome Games Done Quick in January, and I devoured it. Speedrunning and the charity angle both instantly appealed to me. By the time I came out of Neverwinter crunch, I had just started dabbling in speedrunning. 8/?

After May, all my energy redirected straight into speedrunning - and I could no longer get myself up for work at all. Believe me, I tried. For a year and a half, I would go to work, get almost nothing done, and then go home to work on the new target of my hyperfocus. 9/?

In December 2014 I quit Cryptic, figuring I was burnt out. I took a full four months off before taking a job at a former boss's startup. I started that job one month before the first RPG Limit Break. My heart wasn't in that either. I figured I was still burnt out. 10/?

I left that job two months after RPG Limit Break and took my current position at @Blizzard_Ent in August 2015. I figured the burnout had to go away soon, and then working my literal dream job, the one I'd wanted since before college, would help. Spoiler: it wasn't enough. 11/?

In fairness, I did manage to have my moments. I did some cool stuff in 2016 and 2017. By the start of 2018, it fell apart, and I was back to the same pattern of coming to the office to do nothing for 8 hours and then go home. That lasted the entirety of 2018, basically. 12/?

Here I want to extend sincere thanks to my leads (@dawsonsauce and @drizlock) and manager (@JMMShaw) for their patience and support (and not firing me), as well as everyone else I've worked with at Blizzard. It sucks to *want* to be productive but utterly fail to do so. 13/?

At the start of 2019, I finally thought maybe there was more to it than burnout. It wasn't just that I was more concerned with other things. It was that, if I tried to focus on a work task, my brain would interrupt every few seconds and direct my attention elsewhere. 14/?

I'll skip the entire lengthy process here, but with major help from one very good friend and after about two months of effort, I was able to get assessed for and diagnosed with ADD (technically, "ADHD inattentive type") on April 10. I'm now taking Adderall to manage it. 15/?

To start with, just receiving the diagnosis was honestly a massive relief. It lends context to so many things in life that just didn't make sense before. I spent 34 years struggling to concentrate on things, thinking I was lazy or a procrastinator or just irresponsible. 16/?

Two weeks ago I read, out loud on stream, the letter I received in January 2005 telling me I'd flunked out of the University of Illinois. (I've attached it here.) That was actually the second one of those. I'd flunked out the previous year too, but managed to get back in. 17/?

I want to be clear here. I don't look at ADD as an *excuse* for those failures. But it sure helps me understand exactly why it was so hard for me to be successful even at the times I was trying. And it helps me understand specific bad things I do, such as procrastination. 18/?

I didn't need an ADD diagnosis to know that I was capable of doing better. I didn't need an ADD diagnosis to graduate from Pitt in 2008. But boy, it sure would have helped! It's taken way too long to get a real understanding of how and why my brain works the way it does. 19/?

The other side of the coin is that, judging from the month and a half so far, medication has been literally life-changing. I feel completely unfettered at work now, able to start tasks and stick to them until completion. The effect was so sudden it's almost laughable. 20/?

The part of me that could be productive was right there, just under the surface, buried beneath my brain's constant demands for stimulation. With the help of medication, I actually get to take advantage of it. I finally feel positive about my contributions at work again. 21/?

It's a little bit of a double-edged sword, though, and I have to take care. Adderall reduces my appetite, and while I'm trying to manage it, I have clearly lost some weight. It also doesn't stop hyperfocus, and I'm seeing the beginnings of that at work the last few days. 22/?

With the ADD haze lifted, though, I at least know that even if I interrupt my own hyperfocus to do something else, I'll be able to successfully pick it back up later. That knowledge gives me confidence for my future at work and RPGLB that I didn't previously have. 23/?

I'm particularly excited about what I can do for RPG Limit Break with my ADD under control. The event doesn't deserve me nearly getting my car impounded with all of the equipment in it, nor me putting off all of the tech planning and equipment buying until April every year. 24/?

In my finale speech, there were two conclusions, and I would like to emphasize them again. 25/?

First, it can be hard to tell if your brain is doing something weird. If you can, seek help whenever you have a problem that is legitimately impacting your work/school/life. You don't deserve to just chalk it up to a personal failing and struggle through it. 26/?

Second: even if you don't have a diagnosis or medication, you can get through more than you might realize. Brain chemistry is powerful, but sometimes will is more powerful. I know this is easier for me to say than it is to do - trust me, I remember. Just do your best. 27/27