It is genuinely amazing to me how much my interactions with other trans women are colored by a vaguely high school sorting system of how long we’ve all been on HRT.
Like without fail, I think of women roughly my age but on HRT for two or three years as SO much cooler than me!
Meanwhile I’m, like, Elsie Fisher in Eighth Grade, and if another girl who went on HRT around the same time as me starts hanging out with the cool kids, I try to seem calm and collected, even though I’m really FREAKING OUT.
And THEN, like, the women who’ve been on HRT for years and years and years — they like… have jobs in the city and stuff and they don’t have to live with their parents.
If this is anything like my first puberty, I will eventually figure out at least some of what I’m doing, while also being certain of how uncool I am throughout.
Pitching a TV show about this called Trans High brb.
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I made my name doing TV criticism. It's a good job. I get paid way too much money to watch stuff and say, "This is good, and this is bad!" And I think I'm pretty good at it, too.
It gives me INTENSE dysphoria, particularly when that's what people most know me for.
TV criticism was never the plan. It was just a thing that I was good at, and because of when I started my criticism career (2008-ish), it was a way for me to make enough money to live, because it was the height of the recap boom.
Thinking about sunsetting this account and leaving it up for people who find the archives of me stumbling my way toward myself helpful. Feels like I only use it to talk about bad stuff now, and that sends an unrealistic idea of what transition becomes.
I remember starting this account, on an incognito Chrome browser, with a vague inkling that someday, in the far future, I would be Emily on main and wouldn’t need it.
Now I’m both happy and sad at how little I need it any more. It’s good that I get to be me. I miss EmSan.
The primary reason to keep using this is that the people in my life who don’t acknowledge my womanhood don’t know about it, and I can tweet freely about them here. But what a shitty reason to keep a Twitter account!
I’m having kind of a bad dysphoria day, and the paradox of that is that I’m having a bad one because absolutely nothing is wrong. Nobody’s been a jerk to me. Everybody calls me Emily. I look cute as hell.
But I feel NORMAL, which feeds its own kind of dysphoria.
Most of my life has been defined by feeling like everything happening around me was a just barely out-of-tune radio station. I could make out what was happening, but I had to filter out a little fuzz. Some days were worse than others.
Now, I’m always tuned right in.
The thing is I didn’t realize the station was out of tune until I got the hormones that put my brain on the right track. And for the first six months or so, the change was dramatic.
But now, as I settle into myself, this new normal starts to feel like maybe nothing has changed.
It's starting to dawn on me that my parents are literally going to pretend I'm still the old me for the rest of my life unless I force the issue.
This despite the fact that I'm very publicly out so everybody in my home town knows.
I get these things take time, but geez.
Mom Call Me Emily Challenge 2019
In the back of my head, I have rules, like, "If they call me by my old name once on a call, that's fine," and "I have to give them six months, because it's a lot to take in."
But Christ. Emily is so much better than that other guy. How can they close themselves off from that?
One year ago today, I told my therapist, "I'd like to think about thinking about transitioning," in true, "There are too many words in this sentence" fashion.
I thought I would have years before I began.
I made it about a week before coming out to a dear friend.
And then a few days more before coming out to my wife. And then more friends and more friends and coworkers and now, maybe, family.
I was 37. I thought I was ending my life, my marriage, my career. I wasn't.
There was more life on the other side.
I have barely come a few steps, but I have also come so far. My brain was a series of locked rooms, and once I was honest with myself about who I was, I opened them all up and flooded myself with light.
I've loved figuring out what all was hiding in there.
I am home to come out to my sister and maybe my parents. I expect it to go well but know it may be the last time I see any of them, particularly the latter. Wish me luck?
Me: I know I've been a shitty brother...
My sister: No no no.
Me: A big part of that is I am actually your sister.
My sister: Huh? ... Oh. Oh!! Well I still love you and I support you no matter what. 😭😭😭😭