R: Democrats need to learn their history! Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats founded the KKK
NYT: The #1619Project aims to tell the true history of slavery like never before
R: HOW DARE YOU
R: We’re just concerned that the New York Times will distort American history to flatter their audience
TRUMP: THE SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY REALLY SHOULD READ “NO FREELOADERS”
R: (nodding sagely) It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted
R: I just don’t see what the New York Times has to gain by dredging up old stories about slavery; this will only divide us futher
TRUMP: KING ELIJAH HATES THE BORDER PATROL! BALTIMORE IS A FAILURE! THE SQUAD SHOULD GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
R: Did somebody say something
R: When we say, “learn your history”, we are referring exclusively to isolated factoids that deflect blame onto Democrats & therefore absolve modern Republicans of all accusations of racism
D: Who on Earth would subscribe to such a narrow perspective of history
D’SOUZA: Hello
R: The New York Times is clearly dwelling on past racism expecting Americans to draw parallels to what’s happening now
TRUMP: THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! GOOGLE CHANGED 16 MILLION VOTES!
D: Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ve long since given up on anyone learning anything
When Trump dies, it’s gonna be like Henry Kissinger, or maybe Rush Limbaugh. The headlines will read WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE DIES. Sober-minded journalists will struggle to think of anything positive to say about the man while the masses rejoice and celebrate.
JURY SELECTION AT THE TRIAL OF THE WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE
LAWYER: Do you have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole?
🔵: How could I not have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole
LAWYER: Thank you for your time
LAWYER: Do you have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole?
🔴: How could I POSSIBLY have any preconceptions about the World’s Biggest Asshole?
LAWYER: You seem promising, although the flamboyant fluttering of your eyelashes was probably unnecessary
GOP: Time to pick a SCOTUS judge who will rule against abortion
HERITAGE FOUNDATION: Please select any of our fine candidates
GOP: We’ll take that one
HF: OK
(Senate Hearing)
DEMS: Can you tell us how you feel about abortion
GOP: HOW DARE YOU IMPOSE IDEOLOGICAL LITMUS TESTS
D: The GOP is trying to make abortion illegal
R: SILLY DEMOCRATS! 😂 The Supreme Court only overturned Roe v. Wade to allow the states the freedom to decide for themselves
D: But you are describing the “freedom” to prevent other people from having them
R: That’s the best kind!
D: If ending Roe v. Wade was so reasonable, why didn’t Barrett, Gorsuch or Kavanaugh admit it at their confirmation hearings
R: It is unreasonable to expect judges to honestly answer questions from activist Senators who were clearly trying to stop abortion from becoming illegal
RNC: In keeping with Republican campaigns of yore, we have worked tirelessly to court our conservative base! Now that the nomination is all wrapped up, it is time for our customary Pivot to the Center to demonstrate that we are a Party for all Americans…
TRUMP: The China Virus was a nothingburger that the Democrats amplified to make me look bad and masks were tyranny and Fauci is an idiot
RNC: Trump was instrumental in Operation Warp Speed, a government initiative to develop vaccines faster
TRUMP: I’m proud that I appointed the Supreme Court Justices who overturned Roe v. Wade
RNC: But really we pinky-swear that we’re not going to send women to jail for abortion or anything