R: Democrats need to learn their history! Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats founded the KKK
NYT: The #1619Project aims to tell the true history of slavery like never before
R: HOW DARE YOU
R: We’re just concerned that the New York Times will distort American history to flatter their audience
TRUMP: THE SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY REALLY SHOULD READ “NO FREELOADERS”
R: (nodding sagely) It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted
R: I just don’t see what the New York Times has to gain by dredging up old stories about slavery; this will only divide us futher
TRUMP: KING ELIJAH HATES THE BORDER PATROL! BALTIMORE IS A FAILURE! THE SQUAD SHOULD GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
R: Did somebody say something
R: When we say, “learn your history”, we are referring exclusively to isolated factoids that deflect blame onto Democrats & therefore absolve modern Republicans of all accusations of racism
D: Who on Earth would subscribe to such a narrow perspective of history
D’SOUZA: Hello
R: The New York Times is clearly dwelling on past racism expecting Americans to draw parallels to what’s happening now
TRUMP: THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! GOOGLE CHANGED 16 MILLION VOTES!
D: Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ve long since given up on anyone learning anything
🔵: Apprending migrants at will and deporting them without a trial, attacking the press, thumbing your nose at the judiciary and ignoring the Constitution
🔴: Pandemic-related emergency measures such as shutdowns and vaccinations
2. Killing 50,000 Palestinians in response to a single terrorist attack is
🔵: unconscionable and possibly genocidal
🔴: obvious self-defense
3. Dropping bombs on other counties before they can attack Israel is:
TEN LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FAILURE OF DONALD TRUMP’S BIRTHDAY PARADE
10. This is what happens when you purge the Armed Forces of LGBT people
9. Threatening authoritarian control over multiple U.S. cities is probably not the most effective way to win friends
8. When organizing a parade of this magnitude, make sure that there are no other events competing for the public’s attention such as nationwide protests from the millions of Americans who hate your guts
7. If you’re going to demand a military parade in your honor, make sure you don’t accidentally forget that you dodged the draft sixty years earlier
TEN THINGS DEMOCRATS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SAY TO TRUMP VOTERS WHO ARE GRAPPLING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DECISION
10. Well, who could have predicted that handing the country over to a pathological liar incapable of admitting he’s ever wrong could have led to such a shitshow
9. If the Democrats really thought all of those tariffs were such a bad idea, I’m sure they would have said something about it before the election
8. Look, splitting hairs over the precise definition of “insurrection” is well within the boundaries of political debate
7. I’ll bet a lot of people who completely ignored the Mueller Report were blindsided by Trump’s apparent support of Vladimir Putin against Ukraine and most of our other European allies
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY TRUMP CALLED FOR A 90-DAY PAUSE ON SOME OF HIS TARIFFS
10. Belatedly realized how much cooler it would be if “Liberation Day” synced up with “Independence Day”
9. They caused so much winning that America was actually getting sick of it
8. There were concerns that they might make the border wall too expensive
7. Trump was hoping to return to the days when he was only the second-most deeply-loathed member of his administration
6. It was the result of a complicated mathematical formula involving an exhaustive history of international trade agreements and also the conveniently-timed occurrence of Opposite Day