R: Democrats need to learn their history! Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats founded the KKK
NYT: The #1619Project aims to tell the true history of slavery like never before
R: HOW DARE YOU
R: We’re just concerned that the New York Times will distort American history to flatter their audience
TRUMP: THE SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY REALLY SHOULD READ “NO FREELOADERS”
R: (nodding sagely) It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted
R: I just don’t see what the New York Times has to gain by dredging up old stories about slavery; this will only divide us futher
TRUMP: KING ELIJAH HATES THE BORDER PATROL! BALTIMORE IS A FAILURE! THE SQUAD SHOULD GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
R: Did somebody say something
R: When we say, “learn your history”, we are referring exclusively to isolated factoids that deflect blame onto Democrats & therefore absolve modern Republicans of all accusations of racism
D: Who on Earth would subscribe to such a narrow perspective of history
D’SOUZA: Hello
R: The New York Times is clearly dwelling on past racism expecting Americans to draw parallels to what’s happening now
TRUMP: THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! GOOGLE CHANGED 16 MILLION VOTES!
D: Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ve long since given up on anyone learning anything
👷🏻♂️: I am a desperate construction worker who was recently laid off from my job. So I’m sure you can all understand why I voted for the gloating vindictive high-school bully who truly hates immigrants
👩🏻🦰: I am a suburban homemaker with three children who is struggling with high grocery bills. Therefore, it made the most sense to go back to the racist conspiracy theorist who demands credit for everything good and never accepts responsibility for anything bad
👨🏼🏭: I am deeply concerned about the economy, so I had no choice but to vote for the pathological liar who was indicted for 88 felonies and convicted of 34 of them
👨💼: I am a loan officer whose wife left me after 13 years. For this, I blame the uppity feminists like Kamala Harris
TEN MORE WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Express relief that they were able to safely arrive at Thanksgiving dinner without being attacked by lawless migrants terrorizing the suburbs
9. Ask them to explain in their own words how raising tariffs on virtually all imported goods will lower prices and help the economy
8. Find out if they’re still pretending Trump isn’t going to use Project 2025 or if they’ve moved on to gloating about it
7. Ask them who they think will be the first member of the new administration to be thrown under the bus when our economy and international reputation land squarely in the toilet
TEN WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Ask them which appallingly offensive and insultingly unqualified member of Trump’s cabinet is their favorite
9. Try and get a sense of how they of all people thought they were more informed and intelligent than the scientists at the CDC
8. Ask them if there any downsides to being a callous and willfully ignorant person who glibly lies to themselves every day
7. While you’re watching the game, ask them whether they’d support an NFL player taking a knee during the national anthem to protest the unconscionable murder of Ashli Babbitt by Capitol police
TEN POTENTIAL SILVER LININGS OF A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
10. Come January, the President of the United States will have nothing but great things to say about our economy
9. No more endless media speculation about whether Biden is too old or incoherent to lead the country
8. Police presence required to arrest & deport illegal immigrants may keep them too busy to attack nonviolent protesters
7. Several dozen of our most objectively terrible Republicans will no longer be our governors or Congressmen
6. It will be a gift to Americans who actively hoped to listen to Trump’s gravelly, self-satisfied and aggressively condescending vocal cadence for four more years
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS PEOPLE MAY NOT WISH TO SOCIALIZE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP
10. They stubbornly choose to disregard the other allegedly admirable characterstics of people who also chose to inflict an incoherent authoritarian quasi-fascist on the rest of us
9. Clearly they are sheltered snowflakes who can’t handle simple differences of opinion as to whether roving gangs of Haitian migrants are eating house pets or whether women are choosing to slaughter babies after they are born
8. They doubtlessly have a vested interest in prisoners having gender-transition surgery on the taxpayer’s dime and are furious that Trump will put a stop to it
7. As surprising as it may sound, some people do not have an infinite tolerance for Whataboutism