R: Democrats need to learn their history! Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats founded the KKK
NYT: The #1619Project aims to tell the true history of slavery like never before
R: HOW DARE YOU
R: We’re just concerned that the New York Times will distort American history to flatter their audience
TRUMP: THE SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY REALLY SHOULD READ “NO FREELOADERS”
R: (nodding sagely) It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted
R: I just don’t see what the New York Times has to gain by dredging up old stories about slavery; this will only divide us futher
TRUMP: KING ELIJAH HATES THE BORDER PATROL! BALTIMORE IS A FAILURE! THE SQUAD SHOULD GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
R: Did somebody say something
R: When we say, “learn your history”, we are referring exclusively to isolated factoids that deflect blame onto Democrats & therefore absolve modern Republicans of all accusations of racism
D: Who on Earth would subscribe to such a narrow perspective of history
D’SOUZA: Hello
R: The New York Times is clearly dwelling on past racism expecting Americans to draw parallels to what’s happening now
TRUMP: THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! GOOGLE CHANGED 16 MILLION VOTES!
D: Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ve long since given up on anyone learning anything
1. Donald Trump will order multiple air strikes on fishing boats leaving Venezuela, insisting without evidence that the people he just killed were dangerous drug traffickers
While vessels of that size are far likelier to include migrants and refugees, the official GOP party line will be that any such people are equally deserving of swift and immediate death
TEN THINGS FOX NEWS MIGHT POSSIBLY SAY ON THE BLESSED DAY WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS
10. As shocking and horrifying as it may sound, we have heard reports that Muslims are definitely celebrating in the streets of New Jersey
9. We have been assured that Melania Trump is wearing a red dress because red was her husband’s favorite color
8. Frankly, we’ve never seen so many Irish wakes spontaneously break out in our lives
7. This economic consequences of this tragic story are swift and immediate, as you can see from the empty shelves where most grocery stores would stock champagne
6. Is the Biden Crime Family responsible? We certainly cannot rule it out
GOP, 2016: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar
GOP, 2018: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin
GOP, 2020: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic
GOP, 2022: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic and tried to overthrow the 2020 election