R: Democrats need to learn their history! Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats founded the KKK
NYT: The #1619Project aims to tell the true history of slavery like never before
R: HOW DARE YOU
R: We’re just concerned that the New York Times will distort American history to flatter their audience
TRUMP: THE SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY REALLY SHOULD READ “NO FREELOADERS”
R: (nodding sagely) It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted
R: I just don’t see what the New York Times has to gain by dredging up old stories about slavery; this will only divide us futher
TRUMP: KING ELIJAH HATES THE BORDER PATROL! BALTIMORE IS A FAILURE! THE SQUAD SHOULD GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
R: Did somebody say something
R: When we say, “learn your history”, we are referring exclusively to isolated factoids that deflect blame onto Democrats & therefore absolve modern Republicans of all accusations of racism
D: Who on Earth would subscribe to such a narrow perspective of history
D’SOUZA: Hello
R: The New York Times is clearly dwelling on past racism expecting Americans to draw parallels to what’s happening now
TRUMP: THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! GOOGLE CHANGED 16 MILLION VOTES!
D: Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ve long since given up on anyone learning anything
TEN THINGS FOX NEWS MIGHT POSSIBLY SAY ON THE BLESSED DAY WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS
10. As shocking and horrifying as it may sound, we have heard reports that Muslims are definitely celebrating in the streets of New Jersey
9. We have been assured that Melania Trump is wearing a red dress because red was her husband’s favorite color
8. Frankly, we’ve never seen so many Irish wakes spontaneously break out in our lives
7. This economic consequences of this tragic story are swift and immediate, as you can see from the empty shelves where most grocery stores would stock champagne
6. Is the Biden Crime Family responsible? We certainly cannot rule it out
GOP, 2016: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar
GOP, 2018: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin
GOP, 2020: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic
GOP, 2022: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic and tried to overthrow the 2020 election
I don’t know if the fabled flight logs to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island will ever revealed to the public.
But there one thing I can tell you: if Donald Trump’s name is on it, Republicans will be fine with it.
If more sordid details emerge, and it is revealed that Donald Trump did in fact have sex with underage girls while on Epstein’s private island, I absolutely guarantee that Republicans will be fine with it.
Does anybody seriously expect this to play out any differently?