When it comes to Christian marriage beliefs, the terms “complementarian” and “egalitarian” are problematic. They’re unclear, and they’ve become politicized.

Let’s be clear—let’s use “Jesus-centric marriage” or “husband-centric marriage.”
In a husband-centric marriage, a wife submits to her husband & follows him. She lets him make the final decisions, even if she disagrees with him or feels that God is telling her something else. She seeks 1st to please her husband, & she allows him to set the tone for the house.
She believes God calls wives to follow a husband’s will, & doing so means doing God’s will.

She believes that loving her husband is how she serves God. As she loves her husband and serves her husband, she shows her obedience to God, since her focus should be her husband.
However, that subordinates God’s will to a husband’s will. If a wife doing a husband’s will automatically=God’s will, then God is surrendering His will to the husband, which He would never do.

We are to pray "Thy will be done", not "husband's will be done."
In a Jesus-centric marriage, though, a wife pursues Jesus first, & loves & serves her husband through that lens. She believes she must listen to the Holy Spirit’s voice, and believes that she and her husband must obey God, not anyone else.
She endeavours to act as Jesus does, believing that loving her husband well means loving mercy, acting justly, and walking humbly before God, not just doing what her husband wants. She pursues her husband’s BEST, not necessarily her husband’s WANTS.
She is GOOD, not necessarily NICE, aiming to please God in all. She believes that her first calling is to listen to God and follow Him, and does not see her husband as her mediator between herself and God.

She knows that as she loves Jesus, she will also love her husband well.
We would do much better, and speak much more clearly, if we dropped the “academic” sounding labels and got to the point.

Should the wife follow the husband first and foremost, or Jesus?

Husband's will or God's will? Husband-centric or Jesus-centric?

The answer matters.

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More from @sheilagregoire

Oct 24
Instead of spouting about something he knows nothing about and showing his ignorance to everyone how about I answer this one based on our data from surveys of almost 40,000 evangelical couples?
About 50% of married evangelical men currently use porn in some way, even if it's just intermittently. They are four times more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation.

They also have wives who don't reach orgasm as often.
They don't prioritize their wives' pleasure as much as men who don't watch porn, and they don't do as much foreplay. They're also more likely to be dissatisfied with their wife's level of adventure in bed.

But more importantly:
Read 9 tweets
Oct 23
You know that new book about Toxic Empathy that argues that empathy needs to have limits?

And how so many on the conservative side have endorsed it, like leaders of SBC seminaries?

This is the same crew that argues that wives must give husbands unconditional respect.
A 🧵
In this vein, respect for those in "spiritual authority" over us must be unconditional, but love in action for the least of these must have limits.
As a reminder, in Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, he argues that women must respect husbands who are "drinking or straying", or who have recently been jailed for domestic violence, or who rage so much that she wants to go hide.
Read 6 tweets
Oct 19
We talk a lot about how complementarianism--the belief that God wants husbands in authority over wives--hurts women.

But it hurts men too.

It allows men with major emotional wounds to hide their shame & feel validated without having to become emotionally healthy.

A 🧵
It allows men to coast and take shortcuts rather than pushing them towards growth and even sanctification.

In most evangelical sex & marriage best-sellers, women are told that men need sex, and women must provide it (ideally at least every 72 hours).
They must provide this even if the husband isn't emotionally connecting with them, or even if they've just had a baby.

Otherwise women are "withholding" & "depriving", and that's a sin.
Read 10 tweets
Oct 7
Where can I find a good counselor if the church is toxic?

I recently had a reader ask me this question. It's one that I get asked fairly often. It's a great question to ask!

So let's talk about it. 🧵

1/7
It's unwise to assume that all counselors are safe and good.

And before you invest money, time, and become very vulnerable with someone, you have to make sure they’re safe and a good fit.

Usually when we see counsellors we’re seeing one of two different types:

2/7
One type of therapist we might see is:

A licensed counsellor who has received at least two years of professional training at a government accredited university, has undergone an internship, and has a professional license.

3/7
Read 7 tweets
Sep 27
In this Billy Graham Rule discussion, many men are talking about how temptation is just everywhere, and it's better to avoid it. You don't want to sin.

Could it be that a lot of men are feeling guilty for something which isn't sin? And that's causing shame?

A 🧵
Jesus said that whoever "looks at a woman with lust in his heart" has committed adultery.

That's a deliberate action--"looking"--combined with a deliberate mindset--"lusting"--which involves objectification & dehumanization.
Jesus did not say, "whoever notices a woman has a nice figure" has committed lust. He did not say "whoever finds someone attractive" has committed lust.

Noticing is not lusting. Staring is bad (and creepy). Lingering is problematic.

Noticing is outside of your control.
Read 8 tweets
Sep 26
Does saying that men must never be alone with women because they may have an affair (because men are so prone to "falling") actually REDUCE affairs and harassment.

Nope. It increases it. 🧵
We asked 7000 women about their experiences as teens in church. Twenty percent reported being sexually harassed/assaulted in church as teens.

This was far more likely to happen in churches that taught that the modesty message and/or taught that all men struggle with lust.
Our team is working on a peer reviewed paper with our data, but basically when you teach both men and women that girls are stumbling blocks and must cover up; and that all men struggle with lust; you normalize predatory behaviour.
Read 5 tweets

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