Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue is here! Profile picture
Christian Marriage & Sex Blogger & Author; host of Bare Marriage podcast. Changing the Christian convo about sex with The Great Sex Rescue!
Takiyah Turner Profile picture 2 added to My Authors
6 May
Best-selling evangelical books instruct women to give their husbands sex to deal with their husbands’ porn addictions.

If any reporters are working on stories about Josh Duggar, I’d love to give background on how wives in these communities are told his porn use is their fault.
We just conducted the largest survey ever done of evangelical women’s marital & sexual satisfaction for our new book The Great Sex Rescue. One of the things we were looking at was the teaching, “women should have frequent sex with their husbands to keep them from watching porn."
In November 2019, Focus on the Family, in their broadcast, said the reason men watch porn is that women aren’t having enough sex. Every Man’s Battle (the book series sold 4,000,000 copies) told women they were like a “merciful vial of methadone” for him when he’s quitting porn.
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6 May
Can we talk COMPLEMENTARIANISM? What happens to marriage when couples act out the commonly taught doctrine that husbands make the final decision in marriage?

After surveying 20,000 women, we now know!

A thread with fun stats stuff:
Let's start with beliefs: 62.2% of Christian wives believe that a wife submitting to a husband's leadership is a way that she can love him. And 39.4% of wives believe that the husband should have decision-making power in the marriage.
And you know what? When women believe this, it doesn't affect their marriage. It's neutral--not good or bad.

UNLESS--and this is a big unless--they actually act it out.

You see, most people who believe this do not practice it.
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8 Apr
So @markgungor said yesterday: "At it’s core, marriage is a sexual contract. Refusing sex to your partner is a violation of the contract."

In our recent survey of 20,000 Christian women, we found that his take on sexless marriages is completely off base. Here's how.
When women (1) have high marital satisfaction; (2) frequently orgasm during intercourse; and (3) have husbands who don't use porn, marriages almost NEVER become sexless. Sexlessness is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem. Women don't suddenly up and decide to give up on sex one day.
Now there are many reasons why a marriage might become sexless. In this thread, I'm only going to address the most common scenario: She never orgasms; she feels distant from her husband; and she's one of the 16% of women who say their primary emotion after sex is "feeling used."
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8 Apr
Along with this—

Many comps say to me, “Ah, but you do need someone in marriage to be a tie breaker!”, as if that’s a winning argument.

I’ve been married for 29 years. We don’t use a tie breaker.
We pray about it, talk it through, ask for advice for mentors, and don’t move ahead until we agree. It actually works well.

If people think “you need a tie-breaker” is a winning argument, I wonder if they don’t know what it’s like to do the real work of coming to agreement?
Like, if they can’t picture a marriage where it’s possible to work things out together, then perhaps that says something about their marriages?

We’ve had big decisions—including whether to let a child pass away or try one more surgery that wouldn’t likely work. It’s not easy.
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17 Mar
It's time for the evangelical church to realize that the way we talk about sex and lust and porn poses a danger to women, as the Atlanta shooting all too horrifically showed us--and 8 people, including 7 women, died for it.
Apparently the shooter has said he had a "sex addiction" and the spas were "a temptation ... that he wanted to eliminate." This language sounds a lot like how Every Man's Battle describes the temptation to lust.
Defeating lust involves "bouncing your eyes" away from women. The 1st step is to "make a list of your greatest enemies." Among your potential enemies? Female joggers, or a "female co-worker who tends to dress a little suggestively." Or women at the beach.…
Read 13 tweets
14 Feb
Here’s an example of man pushing back against my thread. I’d like to respond to some of his points:

Re 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and why it should not be used to tell women they need to have sex on demand:
Biblically, sex is INTIMATE, MUTUAL, and PLEASURABLE. The whole point of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is mutuality. And sex is about intimacy; God describes His relationship with us in sexual terms.
Therefore, any interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 that says to women, “You need to allow your husband to use your body on demand, no matter what you are feeling,” is completely unscriptural and taking that out of context to weaponize it.
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13 Feb
We're all bemoaning the celebrity Christian culture that led to the Ravi Zacharias & Carl Lentz (& so many more) sex & sexual abuse scandals.

But what if the problem is not just--or even mostly--celebrity culture?

What if it's the evangelical view of sex?

A thread.
Yes, celebrity culture gave these men (and so many others) more access to victims, and it gave them cover for what they were doing.

But it was not celebrity culture that taught these men to objectify women. Our evangelical culture did that all on its own.
Take the Every Man's Battle series of books: Every Heart Restored says: "Because of male hardwiring, men don't naturally have that Christian view of sex."

EMB says: "We find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally--simply by being male."
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11 Feb
Here’s my problem with the #TheWisdomPyramid : He says that books are higher than online resources.

But in our survey of bestselling evangelical resources for our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, it was the books that called women methadone for their husbands’ sex addictions.
It was books that said about sex, “if your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have,” denying women’s sexuality (Love & Respect).

That book also said sex was about a husband’s “physical release”, rather than also about deep intimacy and knowing.
It was books that said that women had to give husbands oral sex & hand jobs during their periods & postpartum phase, because it was a difficult time “for him” (Sheet Music).

It was a book that called a rapist “equally unhappy” to his wife, his rape victim. (Act of Marriage).
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17 Jan
One reason I find Ken Ham from Answers in Genesis so dangerous to our children:

In this age when too many Christians are believing conspiracy theories, Ham marinates kids in conspiracies from the very beginning when teaching young earth creationism.
He teaches kids: You cannot believe scientists or teachers or leaders. They are all trying to lead you astray. Only we, who aren’t actually scientists, know the real science.

(When kids grow up and learn science, they feel they have to abandon God).
From very young ages, then, our schooling of kids is predicated on conspiracy theories.

Think how much the church does this! Even with biblical counselling—you can’t believe anyone secular or medical. They are trying to lead you astray. You can only believe the Bible.
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29 Oct 20
Apparently Every Man's Battle has a new edition out this year--a 20th anniversary edition that they have revised.

Here's what I hope they took out (a thread):
I hope they repented of calling women "methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising"--

Women are not methadone.

Women are people. Whole people. We are not sexual receptacles, as we are called in the accompanying book Every Heart Restored.
I hope they repented of the pornographic description of the jogger in the intro--"As she approached on my left, two tiny triangles of tie-dyed fabric struggled to contain her ample bosom. My eyes feasted on this banquet of glistening flesh..."
Read 14 tweets
28 Oct 20
Can I we talk about orgasms, and the numbers 48 and 33?

A thread.
In our survey of 20,000 married (predominantly Christian) women, we found that 48% of women almost always or always reach orgasm during sex, while 33% never do, rarely do, or do so intermittently.

(for numbers geeks who are bugged right now, the other 19% reach climax often).
I'd like to say two things to that 33%.

First, you are not alone. So many women struggle with this! Orgasm is complex. There's a mental component & a physical component, and sometimes things don't line up well.

You are not broken. You aren't missing a "pleasure gene".
Read 7 tweets
9 Sep 20
Yesterday a guy broke the internet by asking when a man is in his rights to call in the elders if his wife is denying him sex.

My replies dotted the comments, and I've been asked to put them in a thread.

So here it is--& grab tea! It's going to be long.
In our survey of 20,000 women, we found that sexless marriages weren’t caused by women just deciding not to have sex. They generally had other factors, including: husband’s porn use; sex feeling terrible (never orgasming); sexual pain; relationship issues.
Our results will be out in our book The Great Sex Rescue (Baker, March 2021), but in a nutshell, sexless marriages generally are not the problem; they are a SYMPTOM of another problem. Figure out that other problem.
Read 22 tweets
21 Jul 20
When I started writing on marriage, I did it largely from my own perspective + my university studies. I had nothing else.

Over the years, here are some of the things I’ve changed my mind/perspective about (and what I regret teaching earlier):
High drive husband/low drive wife is only the norm in 60% of marriages. In other marriages, SHE is the higher drive or they report the same libidos. To treat sex like it's something only he wants stigmatizes high drive wives and leads to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Often the reason women don't want sex is because they've never experienced pleasure. In our survey of 20,000 women, only 48% of women reliably reached orgasm.

When women don't want sex, it's not always selfishness/lack of priority. It could just be lack of foreplay!
Read 11 tweets
3 Mar 20
After my thread on Every Man’s Battle, thought I’d start one on Every Heart Restored, that I’ve turned to now.

The book to help women deal with their husband’s sexual sin.

Read it 10 years ago and hated it; I’ll see what I think now.
First thing I’m noticing: They treat women & men’s sexuality as completely different. In reality, many women are visually stimulated, too.

Also, they talk about how young men masturbate, and this is because they’re boys.
Actually, while close to 75% of teen boys masturbate, so have 50% of teen girls.

They get female sexuality completely wrong.…
Read 26 tweets
3 Mar 20
Working through Every Man’s Battle today to get quotes for our upcoming book.

Prelim thoughts: the advice to men isn’t terrible. The advice to women IS.

I’m glad they take a firm stance to men, but they don’t understand women’s libido or sexuality at all.
All of that is not to say that their advice to men is perfect (I have MAJOR problems with the “bouncing the eyes” advice). Just that they do take a hard line that lust is your fault—at least to the guys.

To women? Not so much.
Oh, dear. Just hit chapter 6. I think it’s about to go downhill.
Read 15 tweets
22 Nov 19
It’s #FocusFriday, when we highlight bad teaching in the Christian world about marriage.

Today: Focus on the Family (@Focusfamily) blames the wife for the husband's porn use, showing they do not understand the dynamics of porn and marriage.…
In this show, at the 16:21 mark, the host, commenting on porn affecting 47% of marriages, says: “I think one of the reasons men are getting into trouble in this area is that that need [for sex] is not being met.” FOTF says men turn to porn when wives reject sex.
This is a myth which research does not support.

For couples married less than 25 years, the majority of porn use PREDATES the marriage. Men used porn to deal with sexual frustration, stress, rejection, and boredom before they were married. Porn became their coping mechanism.
Read 15 tweets
18 Oct 19
A thread (with video) showing how, in sermons given at @HoustonsFirst (Houston First Baptist) on Oct 6, Emerson Eggerichs joked about abuse, downplayed abuse, and implied that if a woman accused a man of being abusive, she's wrong. She's misunderstanding his honorable intentions.
In this clip, Eggerichs gives reasons women protest about his "respect" message (giving husbands unconditional respect), including having a narcissistic husband or being emotionally abused. He uses abuse & NPD as the butt of jokes, and insinuates that women are making up excuses.
This clip starts out fine but goes downhill. He implies that women may THINK their husband is controlling, but really he's a good guy, just fearful and vulnerable, and she's actually the problem.
Read 18 tweets
22 Aug 19
When it comes to Christian marriage beliefs, the terms “complementarian” and “egalitarian” are problematic. They’re unclear, and they’ve become politicized.

Let’s be clear—let’s use “Jesus-centric marriage” or “husband-centric marriage.”
In a husband-centric marriage, a wife submits to her husband & follows him. She lets him make the final decisions, even if she disagrees with him or feels that God is telling her something else. She seeks 1st to please her husband, & she allows him to set the tone for the house.
She believes God calls wives to follow a husband’s will, & doing so means doing God’s will.

She believes that loving her husband is how she serves God. As she loves her husband and serves her husband, she shows her obedience to God, since her focus should be her husband.
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10 Aug 18

A 21-year-old woman made an awesome video combatting legalism & telling girls that God values them.

In response, an army of middle aged men attacked her, calling her a sl@t, wh@re, & Jezebel all in the name of Jesus, often quoting Bible verses. This is that story.
My daughter made a video against the “men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos.”

She was saying God loves us despite our pasts, and if people made mistakes (or, even worse, if they’re a sexual assault survivor), they should not be labelled unloveable.
Her tribe of young, female fans loved it. In the comments section, many shared personal stories of redemption and coming to know Jesus better. So many shared about shame they have carried that they are trying to surrender to God. So many also shared stories of sexual abuse.
Read 23 tweets
27 May 18
I remember feeling like I had to tolerate a church that didn’t consider women fully in the image of God, because other local churches didn’t believe the Bible. I was wrong. Many denominations don’t tolerate sexism & still preach John 14:6. You have a choice!

#sbc18 #churchdv
At that church, while leading worship, I once said between songs, "whatever is on your heart today as you enter here, give it to Jesus. Let it go, and spend this time looking on Him." That was very contentious, because I might have been "preaching".
Their deacons' board spent a year debating whether I could pray or speak from the music stand. I was to debrief with the pastor every week to ensure I didn't step over the line. I kept going because I believed I had no choice. All Bible believing churches ignore women's gifts.
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