Best-selling evangelical books instruct women to give their husbands sex to deal with their husbands’ porn addictions.
If any reporters are working on stories about Josh Duggar, I’d love to give background on how wives in these communities are told his porn use is their fault.
We just conducted the largest survey ever done of evangelical women’s marital & sexual satisfaction for our new book The Great Sex Rescue. One of the things we were looking at was the teaching, “women should have frequent sex with their husbands to keep them from watching porn."
In November 2019, Focus on the Family, in their broadcast, said the reason men watch porn is that women aren’t having enough sex. Every Man’s Battle (the book series sold 4,000,000 copies) told women they were like a “merciful vial of methadone” for him when he’s quitting porn.
Can we talk COMPLEMENTARIANISM? What happens to marriage when couples act out the commonly taught doctrine that husbands make the final decision in marriage?
After surveying 20,000 women, we now know!
A thread with fun stats stuff:
Let's start with beliefs: 62.2% of Christian wives believe that a wife submitting to a husband's leadership is a way that she can love him. And 39.4% of wives believe that the husband should have decision-making power in the marriage.
And you know what? When women believe this, it doesn't affect their marriage. It's neutral--not good or bad.
UNLESS--and this is a big unless--they actually act it out.
You see, most people who believe this do not practice it.
So @markgungor said yesterday: "At it’s core, marriage is a sexual contract. Refusing sex to your partner is a violation of the contract."
In our recent survey of 20,000 Christian women, we found that his take on sexless marriages is completely off base. Here's how.
When women (1) have high marital satisfaction; (2) frequently orgasm during intercourse; and (3) have husbands who don't use porn, marriages almost NEVER become sexless. Sexlessness is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem. Women don't suddenly up and decide to give up on sex one day.
Now there are many reasons why a marriage might become sexless. In this thread, I'm only going to address the most common scenario: She never orgasms; she feels distant from her husband; and she's one of the 16% of women who say their primary emotion after sex is "feeling used."
It's time for the evangelical church to realize that the way we talk about sex and lust and porn poses a danger to women, as the Atlanta shooting all too horrifically showed us--and 8 people, including 7 women, died for it.
Apparently the shooter has said he had a "sex addiction" and the spas were "a temptation ... that he wanted to eliminate." This language sounds a lot like how Every Man's Battle describes the temptation to lust.
Defeating lust involves "bouncing your eyes" away from women. The 1st step is to "make a list of your greatest enemies." Among your potential enemies? Female joggers, or a "female co-worker who tends to dress a little suggestively." Or women at the beach.
Biblically, sex is INTIMATE, MUTUAL, and PLEASURABLE. The whole point of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is mutuality. And sex is about intimacy; God describes His relationship with us in sexual terms.
Therefore, any interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 that says to women, “You need to allow your husband to use your body on demand, no matter what you are feeling,” is completely unscriptural and taking that out of context to weaponize it.
Apparently Every Man's Battle has a new edition out this year--a 20th anniversary edition that they have revised.
Here's what I hope they took out (a thread):
I hope they repented of calling women "methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising"--
Women are not methadone.
Women are people. Whole people. We are not sexual receptacles, as we are called in the accompanying book Every Heart Restored.
I hope they repented of the pornographic description of the jogger in the intro--"As she approached on my left, two tiny triangles of tie-dyed fabric struggled to contain her ample bosom. My eyes feasted on this banquet of glistening flesh..."
In our survey of 20,000 women, we found that sexless marriages weren’t caused by women just deciding not to have sex. They generally had other factors, including: husband’s porn use; sex feeling terrible (never orgasming); sexual pain; relationship issues.
Our results will be out in our book The Great Sex Rescue (Baker, March 2021), but in a nutshell, sexless marriages generally are not the problem; they are a SYMPTOM of another problem. Figure out that other problem.
When I started writing on marriage, I did it largely from my own perspective + my university studies. I had nothing else.
Over the years, here are some of the things I’ve changed my mind/perspective about (and what I regret teaching earlier):
High drive husband/low drive wife is only the norm in 60% of marriages. In other marriages, SHE is the higher drive or they report the same libidos. To treat sex like it's something only he wants stigmatizes high drive wives and leads to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Often the reason women don't want sex is because they've never experienced pleasure. In our survey of 20,000 women, only 48% of women reliably reached orgasm.
When women don't want sex, it's not always selfishness/lack of priority. It could just be lack of foreplay!
Working through Every Man’s Battle today to get quotes for our upcoming book.
Prelim thoughts: the advice to men isn’t terrible. The advice to women IS.
I’m glad they take a firm stance to men, but they don’t understand women’s libido or sexuality at all.
All of that is not to say that their advice to men is perfect (I have MAJOR problems with the “bouncing the eyes” advice). Just that they do take a hard line that lust is your fault—at least to the guys.
To women? Not so much.
Oh, dear. Just hit chapter 6. I think it’s about to go downhill.
In this show, at the 16:21 mark, the host, commenting on porn affecting 47% of marriages, says: “I think one of the reasons men are getting into trouble in this area is that that need [for sex] is not being met.” FOTF says men turn to porn when wives reject sex.
This is a myth which research does not support.
For couples married less than 25 years, the majority of porn use PREDATES the marriage. Men used porn to deal with sexual frustration, stress, rejection, and boredom before they were married. Porn became their coping mechanism.
A thread (with video) showing how, in sermons given at @HoustonsFirst (Houston First Baptist) on Oct 6, Emerson Eggerichs joked about abuse, downplayed abuse, and implied that if a woman accused a man of being abusive, she's wrong. She's misunderstanding his honorable intentions.
In this clip, Eggerichs gives reasons women protest about his "respect" message (giving husbands unconditional respect), including having a narcissistic husband or being emotionally abused. He uses abuse & NPD as the butt of jokes, and insinuates that women are making up excuses.
This clip starts out fine but goes downhill. He implies that women may THINK their husband is controlling, but really he's a good guy, just fearful and vulnerable, and she's actually the problem.
When it comes to Christian marriage beliefs, the terms “complementarian” and “egalitarian” are problematic. They’re unclear, and they’ve become politicized.
Let’s be clear—let’s use “Jesus-centric marriage” or “husband-centric marriage.”
In a husband-centric marriage, a wife submits to her husband & follows him. She lets him make the final decisions, even if she disagrees with him or feels that God is telling her something else. She seeks 1st to please her husband, & she allows him to set the tone for the house.
She believes God calls wives to follow a husband’s will, & doing so means doing God’s will.
She believes that loving her husband is how she serves God. As she loves her husband and serves her husband, she shows her obedience to God, since her focus should be her husband.
A 21-year-old woman made an awesome video combatting legalism & telling girls that God values them.
In response, an army of middle aged men attacked her, calling her a sl@t, wh@re, & Jezebel all in the name of Jesus, often quoting Bible verses. This is that story.
My daughter made a video against the “men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos.”
She was saying God loves us despite our pasts, and if people made mistakes (or, even worse, if they’re a sexual assault survivor), they should not be labelled unloveable.
Her tribe of young, female fans loved it. In the comments section, many shared personal stories of redemption and coming to know Jesus better. So many shared about shame they have carried that they are trying to surrender to God. So many also shared stories of sexual abuse.
I remember feeling like I had to tolerate a church that didn’t consider women fully in the image of God, because other local churches didn’t believe the Bible. I was wrong. Many denominations don’t tolerate sexism & still preach John 14:6. You have a choice!
At that church, while leading worship, I once said between songs, "whatever is on your heart today as you enter here, give it to Jesus. Let it go, and spend this time looking on Him." That was very contentious, because I might have been "preaching".
Their deacons' board spent a year debating whether I could pray or speak from the music stand. I was to debrief with the pastor every week to ensure I didn't step over the line. I kept going because I believed I had no choice. All Bible believing churches ignore women's gifts.