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Mr. Newberger Profile picture
@jeremynewberger
Aug 24, 2019 • 4 tweets • 2 min read • Read on X
@realDonaldTrump ‘Case closed!’ would be Trump’s catch phrase if he was the judge in a TV court procedural called ‘GAVEL HAPPY’ about a judge with early onset dementia who keeps blurting out crazy things in court.
@realDonaldTrump Tonight on GAVEL HAPPY...

DA: Your Honor, I request a side bar.
JUDGE TRUMP: Case Closed!
DA: But Your Honor, we didn’t make closing arguments?
JUDGE TRUMP: I said Case Closed! I hereby order the defendant to see the maximum penalty, life in prison!
DA: For a parking violation?
@realDonaldTrump Tonight on GAVEL HAPPY...

BAILIFF: (whispers) Your Honor, you gotta put clothing on under your robes. The whole court can see your business.
JUDGE TRUMP: Counsel, approach the bench.
LAWYER:Your Honor, do I have to? Your sack is out!
JUDGE TRUMP: Case Closed! Case Closed!
@realDonaldTrump Tonight on GAVEL HAPPY...

JUDGE TRUMP: I decree that the defendants must kiss right now. With some tongue.
DA: Objection!
JUDGE TRUMP: Overruled!
DA: Your Honor, my clients are not kissing for your pleasure.
JUDGE TRUMP: Then Case Closed! I rule in favor of the other guy.

• • •

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More from @jeremynewberger

Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Dec 24, 2023
Jingle bells,
Donald #TrumpSmells
Rudy has to beg.
Fed appeals, Hitler shpiels
Help Donald get away.

Oh,
Jingle bells, Donald Trump Smells
Ronna, to the Feds
Nikki's polls, Donald's scolds,
Prez again? No way.
J-6 nuts posting on X all the time
Jack Smith ripping up their votes
Fools side with Donald being under fire
And folks dressed up like Q bozos
(1)
Everybody knows he’s guilty and hid missile notes
Helped incite his treason fight
Whiny Don with all his MAGA dopes
Will find it hard to win tonight
(2)
Read 14 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Aug 23, 2023
John Eastman put on a suit and tie and they still managed to make his mugshot look like the High School Science teacher caught with his ding-a-ling stuck in a beaker. Image
Scott Hall looks like he drunkenly drove his Mazda Miata into a Friendly's and then shat on the counter claiming he was personally making his own Hunka Chunka Peanut Butter Fudge Lava Cake. Image
David Shafer looks like a guy who got handsy with a waitress at a casino bar who wouldn't serve him food as he played KINO, as the kitchen had already closed. Image
Read 10 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Dec 4, 2022
NICK ADAMS: I just walked into a Victoria's Secret at the Mall and asked out a perfect 10 in her underwear. The liberal store manager was not happy, telling me to leave her expensive mannequins alone. I told her that an Alpha Male spares no expense when it comes to women.
NICK ADAMS: I just told the girl behind the counter at Auntie Anne's that she should stop making what I imagine are obscene vulva shaped pretzels, as there are kids at the mall and that she should stick to nuggets or rods. She apologized and is changing the pretzel shapes now.
NICK ADAMS: Just walked into a Spencer Gifts and there's not a single sexy Trump poster anywhere. Instead they got woke sex toys and mugs with anti Christian quips, like 'I'm horny.' I told the groomed teen working there to get mugs with bible quotes for Alpha males like me.
Read 5 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Dec 3, 2022
If i had seen Hunter Biden's penis I might not have voted for Joe Biden. For Democracy to work I have to like the look of the President's son's penis. Take President Van Buren's son Abraham for example. There was a President's son with a strong shaft, and plentiful balls.
Now President Hayes' son Sardis Birchard Austin, too veiny and with a weird mole at the base. Not befitting of the son of the leader of the free world. Old Rutherford would decidedly not have had my vote.
And then there was President Grover Cleveland, who's son Oscar Folsom Cleveland, although born illegitimate, was very legitimate down in his nether regions. One look at that impressive display and I would have voted Grover for a 2nd term too.
Read 4 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Sep 4, 2022
TRUMP: I want every calendar changed. Anyone who doesn’t change it doesn’t get my endorsement in November. I’m serious. I want last week to be my 2019 meeting with Zuckerberg on everyone’s calendar. Get my sharpie. I’m changing this desk blotter. Let me know when it’s done. Now!
LINDSEY GRAHAM: (on Fox) Mr. Trump says it is October 2019 right now and I'm inclined to believe him. If y'all don't, expect riots in the streets. I'm getting my Halloween basket right now. Y'all had better too.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: Answer me this, why is Joe Biden afraid to acknowledge it was October 2019 last week. Maybe it is because he is Hitler?
Read 22 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Aug 12, 2022
Mar-a-Lago Tour
TOUR GUIDE: On your right is the Trump SCIF, that's where Mr. Trump keeps his most top secret super duper documents. Let me pull one out and show you how secretive they are. Oh look, it's Trump's dear friend Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov. Hi Serge. Back again?
TOUR GUIDE: This padlock, let me get it off the ground, was a gift from one of Trump's favorite kids. You know her as Ivanka! Used to be on her diary when Mr. Trump started dating First Lady Melania. The combo is 0420 which happens to be a celebrity birthday? Y'all know Hitler?
TOUR GUIDE: Trump used to use this room for ketchup storage. Did you know you could fit 8653 bottles of ketchup in here? That translates to about 30 boxes of top secret Nuclear documents. Y'all smell that musky vinegar smell? That's Steve Bannon's cologne. He's a regular in here.
Read 5 tweets

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