He suffers from a rare cardiomyopathy, and has been hospitalized for weeks.
He awaits a transplant.
His heart is failing.
He’s 23.
I am a resident on the heart failure service. It’s known as “the rock garden” because of how chronically ill and complex the patients are. 1/
He awaits a transplant.
His heart is failing.
He’s 23.
I am a resident on the heart failure service. It’s known as “the rock garden” because of how chronically ill and complex the patients are. 1/
He has been admitted for inotropic therapy, medications that help the heart pump more effectively.
The hospital is a miserable place to be in general.
Doubly so when you’re young.
The wi-fi reception is lousy here, so his PlayStation is useless for online gaming. 2/
The hospital is a miserable place to be in general.
Doubly so when you’re young.
The wi-fi reception is lousy here, so his PlayStation is useless for online gaming. 2/
We forge an unlikely friendship, primarily because he loves video games and so do I.
After finishing rounds I join him for two player games, since the internet won’t let him play against online players.
He has everything hooked up to the TV in his room.
We game hard. 3/
After finishing rounds I join him for two player games, since the internet won’t let him play against online players.
He has everything hooked up to the TV in his room.
We game hard. 3/
Competing against someone is an interesting means to get to know them.
In a strange way, rivals often have a more intimate understanding and appreciation of each other than friends do.
We compete against each other almost every day.
He usually wins. Easily. 4/
In a strange way, rivals often have a more intimate understanding and appreciation of each other than friends do.
We compete against each other almost every day.
He usually wins. Easily. 4/
“Come on doc,” he grins, “I’m trying to make you better. Learn from me!”
“I don’t think gaming is what I’m supposed to be learning from you,” is my frustrated reply, as I lose yet again.
He seems genuinely happy when he wins, and I have to smile.
I want to help him, badly. 5/
“I don’t think gaming is what I’m supposed to be learning from you,” is my frustrated reply, as I lose yet again.
He seems genuinely happy when he wins, and I have to smile.
I want to help him, badly. 5/
As we game, we talk about everything.
He tells me about his dreams of going into advertising, specifically for Snickers. He has a killer idea for a jingle.
I didn’t know “Snickers” could rhyme with so many words...
I tell him I used to write for a gaming magazine. 6/
He tells me about his dreams of going into advertising, specifically for Snickers. He has a killer idea for a jingle.
I didn’t know “Snickers” could rhyme with so many words...
I tell him I used to write for a gaming magazine. 6/
He pulls a dirty trick on me one day.
I’m actually winning the game for once, and he suddenly clutches his chest and yells “Doc!”
All the color drains from my face as I whip around to face him, “What?! Are you okay?!”
He laughs, and defeats me easily.
I sigh, relieved. 7/
I’m actually winning the game for once, and he suddenly clutches his chest and yells “Doc!”
All the color drains from my face as I whip around to face him, “What?! Are you okay?!”
He laughs, and defeats me easily.
I sigh, relieved. 7/
A moment comes to pass one day when, for the first time, he becomes vulnerable in front of me.
I’m watching him play the game by himself, and he turns to look at me.
“Do you really think I’ll ever get this transplant?”
He’s a big guy, but in that moment, he seems so small. 8/
I’m watching him play the game by himself, and he turns to look at me.
“Do you really think I’ll ever get this transplant?”
He’s a big guy, but in that moment, he seems so small. 8/
It’s easy for me to forget how young he is. And he’s always so confident and cocky when he’s gaming. His momentary vulnerability catches me off guard.
I do something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
I brush off his fear.
“Pfffst. Now win this game, it’s so close!” 9/
I do something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
I brush off his fear.
“Pfffst. Now win this game, it’s so close!” 9/
I can see him almost visibly flinch, and retreat back into his shell. Just like that we are back to being gaming buddies.
But we were never just buddies, were we?
I am his doctor. He is my patient.
And he tried to talk to me about genuine fears, and I brushed them aside. 10/
But we were never just buddies, were we?
I am his doctor. He is my patient.
And he tried to talk to me about genuine fears, and I brushed them aside. 10/
One morning I pick up my sign out from the night float, and she seems sad.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes are bloodshot, tired.
Something about a code blue.
Something about a death.
I can’t hear her. My heart is in my throat.
I make my way up to his room.
It’s empty. 11/
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes are bloodshot, tired.
Something about a code blue.
Something about a death.
I can’t hear her. My heart is in my throat.
I make my way up to his room.
It’s empty. 11/
This doesn’t make any sense.
I was just laughing with him about Snickers rhyming with knickers. We just gamed together.
He was going to get transplanted.
He was doing so well.
This doesn’t make any sense.
The empty room. The blank space on my census list. None of it. 12/
I was just laughing with him about Snickers rhyming with knickers. We just gamed together.
He was going to get transplanted.
He was doing so well.
This doesn’t make any sense.
The empty room. The blank space on my census list. None of it. 12/
The rest of the day is a blur.
I am numb to everything. I can’t summon any feelings, except disbelief.
Nothing makes sense.
On the train ride home that night, I find myself resenting the other passengers and their healthy cardiac output.
How dare they take it for granted. 13/
I am numb to everything. I can’t summon any feelings, except disbelief.
Nothing makes sense.
On the train ride home that night, I find myself resenting the other passengers and their healthy cardiac output.
How dare they take it for granted. 13/
When I get home, I collapse on my couch, not bothering to change out of my scrubs or take off my shoes.
I fall asleep like that, without moving.
My alarm wakes me up at 5AM, and I steel myself to go back to the hospital, and the new patient in his room. 14/
I fall asleep like that, without moving.
My alarm wakes me up at 5AM, and I steel myself to go back to the hospital, and the new patient in his room. 14/
I don’t cry until many weeks later.
Something innocuous sets it off. A Snickers bar in a gas station, of all the places. I buy every last one they have, bags full.
Then I sit in my car and grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white, and cry. And cry. And cry. 15/
Something innocuous sets it off. A Snickers bar in a gas station, of all the places. I buy every last one they have, bags full.
Then I sit in my car and grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white, and cry. And cry. And cry. 15/
“I’m trying to make you better. Learn from me!”
I know you were talking about a video game.
But I also know your words will never leave me.
I am so deeply sorry.
I hope someday I’ll see you again, in a place where the wi-fi is always great, and all hearts beat strongly.
I know you were talking about a video game.
But I also know your words will never leave me.
I am so deeply sorry.
I hope someday I’ll see you again, in a place where the wi-fi is always great, and all hearts beat strongly.
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