Dear Twitter,
Probably not the best time to trouble you.
But after many months of fear and shame, I'm just going to come out with it.
This is the story of my battle with epilepsy and mental health.
My message? Whoever you are- don't let illness define you.
A thread.
Probably not the best time to trouble you.
But after many months of fear and shame, I'm just going to come out with it.
This is the story of my battle with epilepsy and mental health.
My message? Whoever you are- don't let illness define you.
A thread.
1. My mental health crisis started in 2018, when I was diagnosed with epilepsy a month before my A-Level exams. I suffered a spate of uncontrollable seizures, and was forced to miss sitting the exams that I had spent two years preparing for.
2. This was a massive psychological setback for me- I felt as though I had failed everyone. Honestly, when you are unable to control your own body from failing you, it reduces you and made me feel that giving up would be the easiest option.
3. The rest of 2018 was spent waking up on the floor, confused and injured with paramedics at my side telling me I'd had a seizure and that I'd being going to hospital.
4. If you've never had a seizure or suffer from epilepsy- it's terrifying. Whenever I get the warning sign, I begin to feel as though I am slowly losing consciousness. As I hit the floor the last thing I see is darkness. And I never know if I am going to wake up.
5. With epilepsy there is something called Sudden Unexplained Death. This is where you can simply die during a seizure, if it goes on for too long. For me, the last thought that would go through my head as I collapsed was whether I would ever wake to live another day.
6. Many hours spent in hospital wards and corridors I would never be told what caused me to begin suffering epilepsy. And to this day, I still have no explanation as to why the condition just suddenly 'developed'.
7. Being told that I had epilepsy reduced me to a shadow of my former self. The prospect of having this condition sparked immense psychological trauma. I feared leaving the house in case I had a seizure on my own with no one to get help.
8. Not only this, but I spent well over a year suffering the side effects of medication which often made me feel worse and even brought on seizures themselves.
9. In 2018/19, I went back to college and tried to resume a normal life. But it was then that I began to suffer from my mental health struggle.
10. Where once upon a time I was perfectly healthy- I was now someone struggling to tolerate the cocktail of medication and generally failing miserably to accept the fact that I had contracted a condition that I would have for life.
11. As I became engrossed in the exam season for the second time, I began to suffer chronic memory loss- I would forget things I had done the day before, or forget conversations I'd had- which when revising for exams proved an insurmountable challenge.
12. I soon found, frustrated I couldn't revise and still suffering seizures, that I entered a terribly dark place. I woke every day feeling worthless; a failure; and could not see myself ever escaping my own turmoil.
13. It was this experience that led to the thoughts of suicide. I would question why I was here and the purpose of my life on earth and often thought about the benefits of ending life as opposed to living it.
14. Each day - I felt - was a another day that would be better dead than alive. I was no use, I felt. I could not do any of the things I used to. I would collapse and fit and wake up feeling worse. To me it was an inescapable cycle of doom.
15. Now - in the present - let me assure you that things are far less serious than once before. I've managed to achieve some great things, and am happily embarking on a career in journalism.
16. What I've found is that there is still a stigma about mental health. In my own experience, people view you as perhaps less credible and normal if you've suffered mental instability.
17. Before my illness occurred, I liked to think of myself as "normal". But being struck down with illness, I began to question what "normal is".
18. What is "normal"? Well we assume it is someone who is physically and mentally sound. Someone free of any "problems". Today, that is such an outdated phrase, I feel. Nobody is truly normal or indeed perfect.
19. Indeed, mental health is pervasive. It has and will affect us all. Its invisibility is dangerous, as we all assume that on the surface, individuals are "OK", "normal".
20. I and many others have opened up, but there are those who still live in fear. My advice, be true to yourself and speak out. The ability to confront your issue makes you a better human being. One that is vindicated rather than trapped as a prisoner inside their mind.
21. I used to fear that, if I told anyone about my mental health struggles, that I would be treated differently; that I would not have the same opoortunities and even be overlooked as a mere inconvenience; someone who isn't quite 'right
22. So. Whoever you are. Please don't be afraid. Don't worry about speaking out. Prove to yourself and others that you can confront the elephant in the room. Mental health can be fought, but only when we talk
End.
