If you’re not Catholic, you might not know how dramatic the Catholic Mass is, how theatrical, how just plain spectacular it is (like, SPECTACLE). The Easter Vigil is like the operatic, histrionic form of all of that, the most insane thing I do all year. Here’s why. (a thread: 1/)
We start the night with an actual bonfire. Which we chant over. Then we take this MASSIVE, HUGE, UNNECESSARILY LARGE candle with the date carved into it and pierce it, chant over it, anoint it, and then solemnly light its unlit wick for the first time. (2/)
Please note: This all happens in like the first FIVE minutes. This is the OVERTURE to this insane night. Wagner didn’t even include fire until at least the fourth act. Catholics break it out FIRST THING. That’s how you know this evening is going to get weird, fast. (3/)
We process that giant candle through the gathered crowd, who are all sitting in total darkness, everyone lighting a personal, smaller candle from its holy flame. I’m not kidding. You hold that candle, lit, for like, 20 minutes and try not to light your hair on fire. (4/)
While you’re carefully not committing accidental arson a cantor gets up and starts chanting about light and darkness and Heaven and Hell and BEES (Bees are mentioned more than once). Then the priest explains that we’re sitting vigil waiting for the resurrection of Jesus. (5/)
Just picture it: dozens of people wearing pastels, none of them with an open flame permit, sitting together with only the light from $0.50 tapers to just wait for some guy to come back from the dead. For like two or three hours on a Saturday night. Philip Glass is drooling. (6/)
And while we wait, IN THE DARK, there are S E V E N readings from the Old Testament. Seven. Starting with the creation of the world, going through the entire history of how it was foretold that this guy we are waiting on is actually gonna come back to life in like an hour. (7/)
Bc when we’re waiting, might as well be entertained with some people bragging how they talked directly to God and He drowned their enemies or how He told you to kill your son and then was like “jk do NOT do that plz.” Talk about a deus ex machina. Also, blow out your candle. (8/)
Each story followed by a short song that’s ~sort of~ about the themes and motifs of the story you just heard and then the priest offers a short prayer about the story you all read together and then you move to the next one. There will be a quiz. Pay attention. (9/)
Then, unexpectedly, we turn the lights on and light MORE candles. Why? BECAUSE ITS TIME TO SING A SONG YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ALLOWED TO SING FOR TWO MONTHS. And now you can see just how much money we spent this year on flowers. Hint: it was a lot. (10/)
(Savvy readers will know the aforementioned song we sing at this point the Gloria (though you technically sing it earlier in the week, technicality, we won’t get into that) but you might think “The Alleluia, right?” WRONG. NOT YET. ANOTHER STORY FIRST.) (11/)
You sing the Gloria, talking about how cool God is, then you listen to a reading from Paul’s letter to the Romans, which is read anytime there is a baptism (And oh-ho there will be. We’ll get there.) This reading is a little bit of a spoiler because we learn Jesus is alive. (12/)
Now the Alleluia, which we also haven’t sung in Lent and we’ve all forgotten the words even though it’s just “Alleluia.” Then you hear the story about how Jesus, who you’ve been waiting for, has disappeared from his tomb. WHAT. HOW. WE’VE BEEN WAITING. I WANTED TO SEE THAT. (13/)
But oh well, He’s Risen, let’s go home, right? Oh nay nay. You’ve got like three more acts. The doors are locked for your safety. Strap in. (14/)
Then you have to listen to the priest talk about how cool it is that Jesus didn’t die. Which is true, but doesn’t include any, like, cool infographics or a behind-the-scenes tour or anything to explain how Jesus did it. (15/)
Now. After the homily, everyone gets to participate in the Litany of Saints. What is the Litany of Saints? It’s a long list of people that, in our opinion, are probably friends with God and we ask them very nicely to put in a good word for us. This takes about 2.5 years. (16/)
We asked the Saints to shill for us and now we turn our attention to the baptismal font. We have to turn this regular ole water feature in the Church into a WELL OF HOLINESS. How? Basically, same stuff you’ve seen before. Chanting. Raised hands. Asking very nicely. (17/)
Then the priest scoops up some of that now-holy water onto some yard clippings and does a victory lap around the church, hitting everyone in the face with as much water he can throw. How fun! Now we are all so holy! Can we go home now? (18/)
No. There are a handful of people here who are new. They have been spending the last several months studying their lines and learning the choreography and they are ready to join us all. They get dunked in water doused in oil, and given a candle so they’ll get nicely crispy. (19/)
This part takes about the length of one MLB game, and when it’s done we ALL have to basically renew our contracts as Catholics in front of everyone else, which we all do, and includes really metal lines like “Do you reject Satan? And all his works? And all his empty shows?” (20/)
Then, there some more secret initiation rituals we don’t disclose to the public, and we get back into the normal Mass. You know, the part where we pray over some snacks until GOD MAGIC turns them into the actual Body and Blood of Jesus, which we then willingly eat. (21/)
(Please note, I’m not here to debate transubstantiation today, just disagree with me and all Catholics and move on, it’s just too exhausting to try to explain or defend right now, I’m just trying to tell a joke) (22/)
THEN we go home. Some of us get up at dawn to come BACK for MORE church. Some go to 7-11 for ice cream because we gave it up for Lent and we’re gonna eat it tomorrow before we go to Grandma’s to hunt for eggs which doesn’t even sound weird to us after the night we just had. (23/)
Honestly, as funny as it is and as much teasing as I just did, I love the Vigil and I actually think it’s beautiful. It’s my favorite Mass of the year. I was so sad to not go in person this year and, honestly, streaming’s not the same. #HappyEaster
